I Baptise You In The Name of the Father, the Son, And Marco......Polo!

I was talking to ELew last night, and he started telling this story that began with, "I went to this baptism slash pool party last weekend..". I had to stop him there, because the thought of a baptism slash pool party was making me laugh out loud, and I had to comment on it. I mean really, of all the ludicrous events...

I had to immediately think of an analogy, to explain how ridiculous this pairing was. I mean, you're taking a ceremony that is supposed to be fairly solemn and fraught with meaning and pairing it with an event that's along the same vein, but completely frivolous and casual. The first one I could come up with quickly was a briss slash orgy.

Driving home I came up with a few more:

"I'm going to a funeral slash wax museum tour".

"I'm going to partake in communion slash grape-stomping".

"I'm headed to a breast cancer survivor ceremony slash wet t-shirt contest".

I could go on and on....feel free to add your own.

Sorry Officer, Was I Heating Up?

Talked to Eric last night. He said when he got to the airport in India, there were guys in security walking around touching a little machine to everyone's foreheads. They'd check the machine, and then let you pass. Presumably they were checking for fever, for fear of swine flu.

Looks like they might make it a permanent security requirement.

Crazy...

"Why'd that cop detain you?"

"Oh, I was doing 101.5 in a 98.6 zone..."

The Great Debaters

Driving in the car yesterday, I had a funny thought about what Judgment Day would have looked like with my family present. (Why, you ask? I have no idea, my brain moves in mysterious ways...)

No doubt everyone behind the Lewises in line would have a long wait. We'd all be debating with God regarding our lists of sins.

My mother would be trying to weasel her way out of her sins by complimenting the Lord on what a nice job He did making flamingos, that they turned out to be just the loveliest shade of salmon. And she'd be all, "I just love what you did with magnolias too, I would have made them EXACTLY the same way!"

My brother Andrew would be trying to make God laugh by agreeing with all of his sins, and telling the story of each one in his witty, self-deprecatory style, elaborating wherever he could to try to make light of the ACTUAL sin. God would be in tears at the end of each story, laughing so hard that He'd have forgotten why He was so upset with Andrew in the first place.

Amy, with her amazing memory, would just keep saying, "Oh yeah! I totally forgot about that one!"...."Really? Are you SURE I did that? What year was that? I have absolutely no recollection...". She'd be making God re-tell the stories of each one, and she'd be laughing at herself and slapping us all on the arms, "Can you believe I did that?? How funny is that?!!"

ELew would be playing Devil's Advocate with the Lord, doing his "well yeah I did that, but it's no different than (insert inane analogy that has no bearing on the situation but takes you on such a long journey you forget the original premise)". And he'd do it so well that Satan himself might pop his head up and ask God,"Yo, you wanna play a little Let's Make A Deal? I gotta have that dude on my team, he's gooooooood!" (Satan always has a Brooklyn Italian, Danny Devito-esque accent in my mind.) ELew would end with "Besides, that guy was an ESTP, so what I did had no effect on him. Is it really a sin if the person you're sinning against isn't affected by it??"

My Dad would be trying to explain what he was thinking during each of his sins, where he was on his spiritual journey at that particular point in time. He would want to help God understand why he thought the way he thought so he'd be quoting the scriptures he was studying at that time, and explain how he'd interpreted them, and God would be all, "Lewis, you do realize I WROTE that goddamned book??". (Yes, God will say goddamned. It's like how white people can't call black people niggers, but black people can call each other niggers.)

My husband would be turning each situation back around on the Lord. He'd pull out the "Well, if you think about it, you created me to sin. So in reality this is all YOUR fault!!". Then he'd use the, "You gotta admit that one was pretty creative, I have to get extra points for that...!!"

And I would be prepared with my spreadsheets full of percentages and Venn diagrams, research information and rational justifications. I'd have prepared my closing arguments during everyone else's turn, and I'd have come up with a speech full of zingers and sound bites. And at the end, I'd try to put on the too small glove, and God would have to throw up his hands in complete awe at my preparation and my eloquent and passionate delivery.

Either that, or God would have realized there was no way He could spend eternity with such a big bunch of yahoos, and changed His mind about the lot of us...

From Knee To Shining Knee

Eric is going to India for work. I asked him this question the other day:


Me: Do you know what the dress code is for the office in India? Do you know if you can wear shorts there?

Eric: I'm a goddamned American citizen, I can wear whatever I want. If they don't like seeing my knees, I'll just call Pakistan and tell them to nuke India.

Monday Mornings With Zachary

In today's interview, Zachary speaks about his emotions...we learn about his fears, his sorrows, and his joys.

The Death Of Sunday

I need a new Sunday topic. The Ungame questions are dying a slow painful death. Any ideas?

Running With Scissors

Colson at age 4, with his homemade scissors. He had come to me earlier, asking for a string for "something". He was so proud of his invention.

If The Can Fits, Then You Probably Can't Wear It

One of my favorite memories from my first date with Eric is him telling me what his favorite quote was. He seemed eager to share it with me, so I was very curious, expecting him to spout off the words of some philosophical genius or something.

But instead, he said, very seriously, "My favorite quote is from Zig Ziglar. It's "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're probably right!""

I immediately gave him a skeptical look, wondering if he was kidding. I started laughing and said, "Is that REALLY your favorite quote?" I told him his favorite quote couldn't be from Zig Ziglar. That it was like calling The Little Engine That Could the book that had the biggest impact on your life.

I spent the rest of the night making fun of it by trying to repeat it and getting it wrong on purpose.

"When you're on the can, if you THINK you can, then you can!"

"Whether you're on the can or not, you're probably going to think!"

"When you think about being on the can, you're probably right!"

"When the can is right, you never think you can't!"

"You're probably right if you think you can think on the can!"

And on and on. I couldn't stop. It was so funny to me. Eric was a very good sport (which actually made me more attracted to him), he didn't take offense to my making fun of his life quote. In fact, somehow I got a second date in spite of it.

Or maybe because of it.

I thought I could make fun of his life quote and still snag him, and I was right. Thank you, Zig Ziglar.


p.s., Every so often I have to revive the quote, and mangle it again for Eric. It's sort of an aphrodisiac...

Is This Thing On?

The other day my brother Andrew ,my sister Amy, Mom and I were group chatting in Gmail. Amy signed off, and then both Mom and I wandered off from our computers without telling Andrew that we were finished. So he decided to ramble to himself for awhile in the chat box. When I sat back down in front of the computer and read what he'd typed, I laughed so hard I almost cracked a rib. So now I will share his "I'm lonely in this chat box" rambling...


Andrew: so, no one talks to me anymore...my wife says i'm paranoid-and that I expect too much from people..."Not everyone needs to laugh all the time"

I just laugh

testing, testing...
i hear crickets.

there's cobwebs in this chat box
wow - i just clapped...no sound
amazing
i think i'm at the nexus of the universe
where you can chat forever...time doesn't exist
there used to be vestiges of chatting here..so the legends go
stories of a woman living on a flat with wheels and propane
and naked street fauns with little memory of their childhood

I feel like a street corner preacher
"THE END IS NIGH"...
"THIS CHAT WILL END SOON"
"SAVE YOURSELVES!"
(Jan left the chat)

"home honey...no one chatted back again today"
"that's nice, here's your mac and cheese"
"a woman walked out just as I pleaded for her save herself
"she ignored me...like i was nothing"
"uh huh, where's the remote"
"I'm dying here woman...this is my life"
"Shhh - Law and Order is about to come on"
"UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH...all I wanna do is chat with someone...why is God around when I wanna chat?"
"sheesh - you're so selfish, eat your dinner and shut the F up"
"aw...nevermind...I'll be in the tub"
"ok honey - you'll feel better"
"...what? i couldn't hear you, the bath water was running"
"SHHHHHH - my show is on"
"ok...ok...I'm getting in now"
"......ahhhhhhhhhhhh...."
"CRAP! - I dropped my HoHo in the water again - it's floating!!!!"

once there was a way...to chat with people
once there was a way...to read other people's chat
reading's fun...when it's someone else's words
reading your own words...is like
freaky stupid

what was that?
thought i heard someone else typing...
ugh
nope
it was my cat lickin his hand quarters...

wonder if there is a limit to how much one person can chat
before a google script fires back...
ADMIN: it appears like you have no friends...hit CTRL-ALT-BACKSPACE to receive an electric shock to stop your heart from beating, as you clearly don't need to live.

my friend Tom says...that when he chats, other people talk back to him...
I tell him he's a dreamer

Don't Be Fooled By The Bouncy Curls And Boobs

My niece Bethany posted the following on Facebook a few days ago. I am re-posting it here because even in a dumb Facebook note her writing style is smart, funny, confidently cynical and irregularly romantic, a tad bit like someone else you all know and have come to love.....?? (Also because numbers 12 and 13 made me laugh out loud.)


The formalities of the Meme: Don't take too long to think about it. Name fifteen books you've read that will always stick with you. First fifteen you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Tag 15 friends, INCLUDING ME because I'm interested in seeing what books you choose (and I'll probably want to add them to my reading list!).


1. Anna Karenina...I just love me some melancholy Russians

2. Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

3. Oh, The Places You'll Go

4. Portnoy's Complaint, my favorite Roth

5. The Bluest Eye, by Toni Morrison

6. Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri...or the Namesake...tough call.

7. Number the Stars, by Lois Lowry...I love me some persecuted Jew stories even more than I love melancholy Russians, and my grandpa got me an autographed copy when I was young. I think I had an entire shelf of Holocaust fiction.

8. The Year of Magical Thinking...a love story completely devoid of cheese, mush, or cliche.

9. Samantha, An American Girl...my favorite of the American girls.

10. I'll Love You Forever...I choke up when I see this on a table in Barnes and Noble

11. A Midsummer's Nights Dream...shut up, I know it's a play, not a book.

12. The Fountainhead...I think my Dad gave me this when I was 12. No concept of age-appropriate reading materials.

13. Are You There God? It's Me Margaret...My mom made me return this to the library, because she thought it was too trashy. I was 12, and had just finished The Fountainhead.

14. The Good Earth

15. Invisible Man


And her funniest response to a comment regarding one of her choices:

"Agreed....though I would never judge a book by its cover, I will absolutely judge a book by what the author wears on his book tour. Pulitzer winners do not wear Versace. They should revoke the award."

Leg Cramp? Lick My Glasses...

(Thomas, Zachary, Ava and Colson)

My great-nephew Thomas stayed with us for a few days last week. I took all the kids to Manderach Park in Limerick, Pa, one afternoon. The kids ate lunch before playing on the playground equipment.

I gave Thomas a banana, and somehow he got the banana out of the peel while leaving the peel intact, with just a slit down one side. He held the banana peel out and said, "Look! It's a case for your eyeglasses!"


So cute and abstract...I was so enamored with his imagination that I had to take my eyeglasses off and put them into the "case" for a minute.

Monday Mornings With Zachary

Zach's back! Today he explains how to escape from jail.

Ungame Sunday

What is your favorite movie quote?

Rapunzel She Wasn't

Ava at 11 months, when she finally started getting some hair. Until she turned one, I was afraid she'd be the only kindergartner with a combover.

How Enters, How Sees Girl...

I was checking out at Walmart today and the cashier asked to see my driver's license, since my debit card signature was rubbed off. I showed her my I.D., and she says, "Wow, you really changed your hair color!". (My driver's license is from 2005 and I hadn't gotten highlights in at least a year, so my hair was really dark blonde. It was also very greasy and slicked back that day).

I said, in my best "do NOT continue this conversation" tone, "Yes."

She then said, "How comes?".



How comes. Really?

Unless you are describing the apex of the American-Indian porn star's scene in his latest feature, you cannot say How comes. (Think about it, think about it.......now enjoy the funny!)

To continue the downward spiral of this conversation, after I answered, "Just wanted a change", she says, "You looked better as a brunette!"



Why do Walmart workers speak?

Christ's Church of the Valley VBS, Part 2

My kids are doing Christ's Church of the Valley's VBS again this week. I am going to re-post my thoughts from last year, because the same problem exists this year. When I picked my kids up (and my great-nephew Thomas, who is staying with us and attending VBS) from their first day yesterday, this was the conversation:

Me: Did you guys have fun?

Them: If we bring the most friends, we will win a Nintendo DS!

Me: Did you make any new friends?

Them: No, but can we bring all of our friends tomorrow, so we can win the DS?

Me: Did you learn anything?

Them: Yes, that if we bring the most friends we'll win a DS!

Again, CCV's VBS is poorly attended this year, with over 1000 kids on the first day. So read on, last year's thoughts are still applicable today.....



My kids recently attended VBS at Christ's Church of the Valley, where we regularly attend. My kids loved it, it's very well organized and very "whoopie".

I just have a few issues with CCV's VBS (I like typing and saying that...I say it out loud to myself every time I type it. Try it, it's fun!). The first is, CCV holds a contest among the kids for who can bring the most new people to VBS, and whoever wins gets a shiny new scooter.

Now, I realize, CCV's VBS is poorly attended. I know plenty of churches around here that get those numbers. Those numbers won't get CCV into any hall of fame, that's for sure..........

But on both Thursday and Friday morning's drive to camp, both of my older children were crying. Why? Because we had "forgotten" to bring friends to camp, thus ending their opportunity to win the shiny new scooter. For one, the sadness even turned into a twinge of anger at me, for not helping in the quest for the scooter.

Wow, fun camp! Can't wait for next year!

Putting pressure on children is more than slightly pathetic. If you absolutely can't help yourself in the quest for more more more, send a note home to the parents. Put the pressure on the people who are more equipped for it, the adults. Fight fair. You don't have to sit in the car for 35 minutes every morning with my children and talk them down from their ledge. VBS isn't supposed to make my life difficult and make my children feel stress.

My kids went to a lovely little VBS at a local Mennonite church with some friends a few weeks ago. This church had a total of 25 kids attending, in grades K-6. Gotta tell ya, there were no clowns or flashing lights or giant Moonbounces, but my kids didn't cry on the way to camp every morning....the attitude there was simply "your friends are welcome here!".

Also, CCV does tons of advertising beforehand. Tons of marketing. Which is great. Get the word out there. But once camp starts, why not focus completely on the kids who are ALREADY THERE? Why make the kids who are already there feel like it's not about them? You only win a prize around here if you bring more people.

My last issue is that it seems like CCV's VBS is just a big push to get more people coming to Sunday services. Get the parents to come back here. Do whatever it takes to get the families to come back on Sunday.

Why is so much focus on Sunday numbers? Why not just focus on the kids who come to camp? I realize that the paybacks of that focus would be much more long term than next Sunday, but shouldn't that be what a KID'S camp should be about? Planting seeds in children's minds and souls? So that in 10-20 years down the road when they get their first car, they might have a moment where they say to their mothers "hey, remember that cool VBS you took me to that one summer? Remember those Bible verses they taught me? I've been thinking about those lately, and I think I might want to go back there".

Slightly manipulative, I must say. And manipulating via children....

Hey, here's an idea...why not give out a scooter to whoever memorizes the most Bible verses?!!!!! At least that contest wouldn't be self-serving.

I can't help but feel like my kids were used as pawns in someone else's contest for THEIR shiny new scooter.....child labor is illegal, you know.

Pretty Little Fairy Tales

Ava and my mom play the story game on instant messenger all the time. Ava will make up a line of a story, and then mom will continue with another line, and so forth and so on. Here is an example of one of their stories. I love the way Ava ends this one...

Ava: once upon a time a prinsess named Emily lived in a royal palice
palis
palis

Mom: palace

Ava: oh
now you

Mom: she was very happy and had lots of dresses toys...BUT she really wanted a friend
to play with

Ava: she went to school she got a friend but.....
there
?
HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????????????

Mom: back
sorry poppa came in
her friend lived in another palace across a long bridge in the next town

Ava: they bult a tree house in the woods but one day her friend died in the woods by herself
bye, <3 you

How I Relax

Regular spas don't really do anything for me. Massages, mud baths, facials, those things are just not really worth it. I get my hair and nails done to look cute, not to relax. But I will tell you what kind of a spa WOULD do something for me.

I'd go to a spa where they'd offer a package that included a hospital bed and spinal anesthesia. They'd follow that with the catheter insertion. Then they'd put those air compression stockings on your legs, the ones that massage your calves every few minutes. To complete your experience, they'd give you a Tylenol with Codeine, and leave you alone to drift in and out of a sweaty sleep.

I'd buy that package so fast...

Just Dance

Didn't get a Zach video, since I was away this past weekend. So instead, you get a video of Richard's and my first place winning East Coast swing routine! While we took 3rd overall, we placed 1st in East Coast, 2nd in Polka and 2nd in TwoStep, which is consistent with our placements all year, showing that our lilt and speed dances are much better right now than our smooth/lyrical dances. So the placements tell us exactly what we need to work on.



And while of course I'm proud of a first place finish, I'm even more proud of our 2nd place two-step routine. We were t h i s close to taking first, the first place couple received 3 firsts and 2 seconds, and we received 2 firsts and 3 seconds. That makes me very happy, because two-step is the dance we'd like to never lose, since it's our best dance.

NonUnGame Sunday

In keeping with the Non-UnGame questions, since last week's sparked at least 2 answers, here's another random question:


If you had to, which family member would you kill off and why?

What's On My Head??

Dad entertaining baby Colson. Who knew old Tupperware bowls could provide such entertainment?

Footloose

Off to a dance competition this weekend at the Newark airport Marriott. I'll be dancing with my student Paul in the Pro-Am division, competing in Jack and Jill west coast swing (maybe J&J two-step and hustle too, haven't decided yet), and competing in Division 1 Open with Richard.

http://www.bigapplecountrydance.com/

Cleared For Takeoff

Our bedroom looks like an airport runway at night. With the little red lights on both cordless phone bases, the breathing red light of the charging Roomba, both of our cell phones charging, the blue light of my hibernating laptop and the blue light of his breathing Macbook, the red light over the power button on the TV and the green light of the cable box, the red light of my power strip, and sometimes the green light of the scanner, you'd think we were trying to direct the landing of several 747's.

I imagine this will be the death of us.

A Rightness Hovering Above All That Was Wrong

I just finished this great book, Belong To Me by Marisa de los Santos. There were a few really great sections, but this one I actually stopped and went back to read three times before I moved on:

"...What truly surprised Piper, what she would look back on years later with wonder, wasn't the fury or the defiance. Instead, it was the peace.

It seemed impossible that you could stand in a kitchen making hot chocolate and grilled-cheese sandwiches with your best friend dying in the next room, the voices of her children tangled up with the voices of your own, that you could butter bread and watch, through the window, the trees relinquishing their leaves and hear the silvery tumble of water into a kettle, and be suddenly aware that what resided at the heart of every shape and sound was peace. A rightness hovering above all that was wrong, shimmering, like heat rising from a street in summer.

It seemed impossible, but it wasn't. Piper stood inside those moments and understood, as deeply as she'd ever understood anything, that living with Elizabeth's dying was the truest thing to ever happen to her. "Right here, right now." She thought again and again, "Right here, right now."..."


Just that section alone was worth buying the book for. Beautiful...

Ladies And Gentlemen...

Cole produced, directed and starred in a spontaneous five scene play on the 4th of July. When asked afterwards, he said he was inspired by the two trees, "that looked like you could pull a curtain between them, like a stage".

Here is scene 1.

Monday Mornings With Zachary

Zach shows you around his room.





If you have questions that you'd like Zach to answer, leave them in your comments today.

NonUnGame Sunday

I'm breaking tradition here and going with a non-UnGame question. Maybe I'll get more responses.



What is usually your first thought when you wake up?

From Our Melting Pot To Yours

Happy 4th of July!

Enjoy these 4th of July memories, circa 2004.

Victoria and Ava

Eric and I

Ava and I

Eric and Alan, their Uncle Ralph and Sharon, and Uncle Don and Aunt Becky

Eric and our neighbors, the Smiths and the Pirris

Mom twirling

Eric

Mom and Dad, Eric's Uncle Ralph and Aunt Sharon, and Brianne

Dad, Brianne, Allyson and Victoria

Allyson, Amy, Mom and Eric's brother Alan

Alex, his girlfriend du jour, and Amy

Eric and Alan

Dad and Ava

Pooped from the party.

The Annals Of Andrew, Part 2

Another fun Andrew memory involves my dollhouse. I loved that dollhouse, and spent endless hours with my dollhouse family. I would get so involved while playing that I wouldn't know what was going on around me. My dollhouse was on the floor, and I'd sit or lay behind it, and couldn't see over the top of it.

One day Andrew gave me some little tiny pieces of paper. He said "these are secret papers, hide them somewhere in your dollhouse". He didn't say why, and I didn't really care, because it was a cool idea. I hid them in the toilet bowl of the upstairs bathroom, and forgot about them.

A few days later, while making the dollhouse mother rearrange the living room, I heard something. I looked around the side of the house, and saw Andrew sitting there. He had gotten my little brother Stephen's army men, and the army men were storming the house. They had thrown yarn up to the roof and were scaling the walls. Once the army men got to the top, they "came down the chimney" into the house.

At this point, the army men started yelling, in German of course, to the dollhouse family people. They grabbed the dollhouse dad and shouted "Vere are da papers??? Ve know you have da papers!!" The dollhouse dad refused to answer them, so they went on a ransacking rampage of my dollhouse, searching for the hidden papers.

I can't remember if they found them or not, but I remember not even caring that my carefully arranged dollhouse was a wreck because I was so enthralled by the heartpounding drama that had just occurred. My dollhouse family had never had so much excitement in their lives. I had never had so much excitement in my life.


Join me next time when I write about playing "hide the Jews".

Wow, We Have An Upstairs?

When Ava turned 2, I bought her this dollhouse. She put the little people on the first floor and moved them around for a moment, and then said "Mom, where are the 'tairs? How do dey get up dere?"

I had to show her the imaginary stairs, and also told her that the people could fly up to the second floor. She was satisfied and continued playing. I think she might have never put the people on the second floor without that explanation. Those Little People would have thought they lived in a rancher for their entire existence.

I don't think the designers stopped to realize that their demographic of 2 year old girls might be concerned with the impracticality of the architectural structure in this particular house....

This Post Have Been Interesting

I was watching an episode of Intervention the other day. During the intervention, the mother read her letter to her addict son. It started off like this:

"You have went from having all the opportunities to better your life, to becoming a drug addict...You have became a thief and a liar..."

She wasn't just speaking freely, she was reading what she had written. What she had done been written. What she have went and writed down.

If I had had a mother who talked like that, I'm not sure I wouldn't be shooting tar into my veins and snorting lines too.

Just sayin', is all..........