My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 1

On January 23, 2012, I decided to write about my childhood sexual abuse on this blog. My goal was twofold: to release my demons the best way I knew how, through writing, and to share and commune with others out there who may have also been suffering from the lifelong effects of childhood trauma and of keeping such trauma secret.

In October of 2012, my brother Eric and I were jointly sued for defamation, by my ex-brother-in-law who molested me. I removed my posts from this blog in April of 2013, while a settlement was reached. My portion of that case was settled in the fall of 2013, and I am now free to re-post my story. My brother continues to fight for the rights of people to share their memories of abuse, even if those stories involve pillars of the community or good fathers. 

I am going to re-post my story in the way it was originally posted. One post per day, with all of the original comments. I may include updates or interesting new information at the beginning of each post. Please note that most of these posts are not suited for young children, and most likely include triggers for those of you who have been abused. Feel free to add your comments and stories to the ones people posted two years ago. (ps, some of the original comments have had to be edited; apologies to the commenters! The original comments will be typed at the bottom of each post, along with the dates and times when they were originally posted.)

This is a special day for me. Writing my story in a public forum was, to put it mildly, life changing. Having to remove the series of posts I am unbearably proud of, even for a period of time, was just shy of devastating. So today I am relieved to say the little piece of the world wide web I claimed as my group psychiatry couch is being restored. 

Before I get to it, I need to say some things about some people. I'm not saying "thanks", because that would be so ridiculously trite, but I'm naming them because they deserve all the things. All of them.

Eric Mosley, who accepted me so completely I finally felt safe enough to open the door I'd been forcing closed for 25 years. Who believed in my personal path to healing so fully he was ready to do whatever it took to protect my right to continue down that path. And who loved me so intuitively, knowing exactly when I needed him to grab me tightly so I could give up control for a minute, and when I needed him to back off so I could breathe alone in a corner and figure out exactly what it was I wanted. 

Melissa, who transcends the term "best friend" or even "sister"; who saved me from a monster 30 years ago, and walked beside me 25 years later while I saved myself from that same monster. No one knows like she does. No one.

My children, who know nothing of my story yet but who benefit the most from its telling.  

My nieces Bonnie, Brooke, and Bethany. The 2nd generation who lived this history with me but ingested less of the Kool-aid are the perfect people with which to talk it all through. It's an unexpected gift when your sibling's children grow up to be some of your best friends. 

My dance friends, who immediately if not sooner showed me that the old adage "blood is thicker than water" isn't always true. Those who shared their stories of abuse with me are never far from my mind. It's no surprise that so many of the most beautiful dancers are inspired by agony. Art in all of its forms allows us to express what is too painful to say....

My parents, who have weathered this storm with as much grace as anyone could. Admitting to parenting failures can't be much fun, as I'm SURE I will find out someday. 

Richard and Solomon. Dance partners turned best friends. Dancing me through two tumultuous years and numbing my pain with Aqua Net and rhinestones. 

And lastly, my brother Eric Lewis. You can't imagine what it's like when for so long no one in your family "gets it", and then all of a sudden someone gets it so completely they join you on the quest to understand why "it" happened and learn how to keep "it" from happening again. "It" has been another unexpected gift. 

And now we go back to the beginning. January of 2012.
With much love and even more relief,
Suzanne

(originally posted January 23, 2012)

It’s time to set the record straight. These are the facts of my childhood sexual abuse:

When I was 12, in 1986, my sister and her then husband lived in Halstead apartments in West Chester, PA. They had 2 young children at the time. One night I spent the night there. While watching television with ex-brother-in-law that evening, he started tickling me and wrestling with me. I didn’t think anything of it, I was 12 and he was my sister’s husband. That night, I slept on their brown and orange plaid couch in the family room. The apartment was two story, the rest of the family was upstairs in their bedrooms.

Late that night/early the next morning, I woke up and realized my ex-brother-in-law was sitting on the couch next to me. I was laying on my back with my knees up, leaned in towards the high back of the couch. I was wearing a pink and white checked flannel nightgown that had buttons from the neck to the waist. The buttons had all been undone and my ex-brother-in-law had his left hand inside my nightgown on my breast, rubbing it. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to still be asleep. At some point, my ex-brother-in-law removed his hand from inside my nightgown, put his hands on my knees and tried to pull my knees apart, in what I can only assume was an attempt to get to my vagina. I kept my knees pressed tightly together, and in the next moment the upstairs hallway light came on and my sister was at the top of the stairs calling down to her husband. He got up quickly and walked upstairs.

I got out of bed, remember looking at the clock on the VCR and seeing it was 2:15am. Went into the powder room hoping it didn’t really happen, but when I looked in the mirror all the buttons of my gown were undone. I can’t remember if it ever happened in this apartment again, they may have moved shortly after the incident.

The next times that my ex-brother-in-law molested me were in their Downingtown, PA townhouse. At this point I was old enough, 13 and 14 years old, to babysit for my sister. My parents would have me spend the night there when I babysat, so there were plenty of opportunities.

The times that he molested me there he progressed from just rubbing my breasts to pulling his penis out and masturbating while he touched me. While I didn’t know what ejaculating was at 12/13 years old, I remember getting the sense that there was an “end time” to him touching me, because his breathing would get heavier and he would squeeze my breasts harder, pinching my nipples, and then the molestation would stop. He would leave the room and I’d hear him go into the bathroom and turn the shower on.

It happened many times in this townhouse, but there are a few that I remember vividly:

Once he molested me while I was sleeping in the same room as his two young sons, who were around 8 and 5 years old. I remember that one vividly because I thought I was safe that night, having chosen to sleep in his sons’ bedroom.

Once I slept in his daughter’s room, because she had a door that locked. I locked the door, but he still got in. Afterwards I heard him go into the bathroom and run the shower/bath. The next morning as we all ate breakfast he made eye contact with me and said to me over the table, in front of his kids and my sister, “We don’t lock doors in this house”. I remember that time vividly because I had thought I’d be safe with the door locked, and because he had spoken of it in front of everyone.

He would also play “snatch the towel”, where he would come up behind me after I’d taken a shower and was wrapped in a towel, and snatch the towel off of me so that I was standing naked. He did that in front of my sister at least once that I can remember, because she said something to him casually about it, laughing.

To try to avoid the situation, I would try to come up with ways/places to sleep that would protect me. One night I took a bunch of blankets to the basement and wrapped myself up in each one like a burrito, with my arms plastered across my chest.

Another night I got a blanket and a pillow and slept under the dining room table, with all 8 of the chairs pulled in tightly around me.

One night at church, when I was 14, my best friend Melissa (who was 10 years old at the time) and I were hanging out with a bunch of the adults. My ex-brother-in-law and a guy named Mike started chasing Melissa and I around the church, trying to scare us. My ex-brother-in-law caught me and threw me to the ground and started ticking me. I started to get very embarrassed because Melissa and Mike were both standing there, and my ex-brother-in-law was stealthily touching me right in front of them. I was screaming at him to stop, and Mike must have gotten uncomfortable because he yelled at my ex-brother-in-law to stop.

The two men walked away and I started getting very upset and ended up telling Melissa about the abuse. I told her not to tell anyone. She kept my secret for 2 weeks, and then told her parents everything. They in turn told my parents. My father confronted my ex-brother-in-law, who ended up confessing.

This story has been for all intents and purposes a secret for 25 years. There were no consequences for him for these actions. I am no longer keeping the details of this story, nor the identity of the pedophile who molested me, a secret .  

Now what?



(Please feel free to leave comments, advice, your own memories from this time if you knew of this story back then...if you were part of FBC Newtown Square and you have memories from this time, please comment. All feedback is welcome.)

ORIGINAL COMMENTS:

Stan Wojciechowski, 8:55am Jan 23,2012:  Suzanne, I cried as I read this! This is horrible, and only reflects echos of what my family went through, when my then brother-in-law, abused his own children. There was both incidents of physical abuse by him personally and where he willing gave his children to others for sexual abuse. 

In our case, the monster was caught by the authorities. My sister was unable to handle raising the children. The eldest daughter was placed with one sister, and three daughters were placed with another.

My nephew was placed with a friend of the family, and only one niece went through the foster system.
My former brother-in-law took it upon himself to describe sex to me at an early age (in very unflattering terms) and always made sure that plenty of pornography was around his place and encouraged me to look at it.

He did his time in Graterford prison, and is now out. I shutter anytime one of my nieces want to visit their Dad, and encourage them not to. (They always come back saying that he hasn't changed). I am happy my nephew has no desire to see that monster.

I would recommend that you report this, and encourage anybody else who has reported this also come forward and speak out!

There is a reason this stuff is not tolerated in our society!

Rebecca Jones, 9:58am Jan 23, 2012: Wow!! Thank you for being so brave to share your story. Keeping everything a secret only empowers our abusers. You are a wonderful person for sharing something so personal. Thank you.

Heather Gemmen Wilson, 4:52pm Jan 23, 2012: You are my hero, Suzanne. Saying these words out loud (and a public blog is very loud) is scary because you know that you are setting yourself up for judgement (from foolish people)—even though it should be your ex-brother-in-law and others like him who should be judged. I pray and hope in confident expectation that this act will be one more step in your healing process.

Heather Gemmen Wilson, 4:58pm Jan 23, 2012: Another thing ... I'm so glad that you told Melissa, and that she told her parents. It seems impossible to outsiders that a victim wouldn't report this immediately, but children just don't have the capability for doing so—that's what makes them so vulnerable. My professor Jill Christman wrote a memoir about childhood abuse, Darkroom, and said that she didn't even know she was being abused until someone gave her the words to name the crime several years after it was over.

Anonymous, 9:19pm Jan 23, 2012: Suzanne, God bless you, you are so extraordinarily brave. May your bold decision to speak up encourage others suffering from like circumstances to do so as well. By empowering yourself to do this, you have empowered and encouraged others.

It must have been such a horrible burden for you to bear, so surreal to see his Solid Christian persona at church juxtaposed with what he was in the dark.

It’s so sad that there were no consequences brought to bear. That must have been painful for you – almost as if what you endured wasn’t that big of a deal – but it WAS.

I remember those days at FBC – my ex-husband was chair of the Board of Trustees. (He was also gay and in the closet - but after years of telling our children, church and friends that he didn't know why I left him, he appears to have finally come out – but THAT is another story!) I think your ex-brother-in-law was on the board with him too. I have a very vague memory of your ex-brother-in-law resigning abruptly from the board at some point – not sure though, it has been so long. If my memory is correct and Melissa's disclosure was the impetus, then that would make sense.

I am sad that you went through this, and hope that you have found - and continue to find - healing in the love of your husband, children, extended family, many friends, and especially in the love of God.

Blessings,
Your Fellow INTJ

"The highest courage is to dare to be yourself in the face of adversity. Choosing right over wrong, ethics over convenience, and truth over popularity...these are the choices that measure your life. Travel the path of integrity without looking back, for there is never a wrong time to do the right thing" - Anonymous

Mandy, 7:56pm Jan 25, 2012: I am so moved by your story Suzanne. I can only imagine how horrific that must have been. To come forward after all these year brings tears to my eyes. I hope you can now begin to heal and I hope that disgusting man get what he deserves. In this life and the next. Also, I am so glad that you have Melissa at your back. She loves you fiercely.

Anonymous, 7:10pm Jan 25, 2012: Don't know you but admire your courage!

Anonymous, 3:00pm July 25, 2012: OMG! He works at our company. Someone here found your post and let everyone else here know. No one can even look at him. We are all in shock. HR knows - I don't know what's going to happen. So sorry that this happened to you.

Suzanne Mosley, 4:02pm July 25, 2012: Thank you for your kind words, Anonymous from July 25th. Will keep you in my thoughts today.