My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 11

I believe there are some criminals that cannot be understood or helped by regular Toms, Dicks, or Bobs. Even if those Toms, Dicks, and Bobs are counselors. Understanding the mind of a pedophile and knowing how best to deal with one is a specialty all its own. No church is equipped to counsel a pedophile and keep the congregation's children safe from such perversion. 

A pedophile's mind is incomprehensible to the everyday Tom, Dick, and Bob. Tom, Dick, and Bob have NEVER entertained touching a 12 year old girl, or an 8 year old boy, or a 2 year old baby, sexually. That thought COULDN'T enter their minds. So without extensive training by professionals on how to understand pedophilia, how can they even begin to properly monitor and counsel a child molester...

It's narcissistic and self-important to think YOU have to ability to counsel a pedophile. 

And let's remember in my case, there was NO plan put into place to deal with my abuser. No counseling, no monitoring, no weekly discussions, NOTHING.  He had to step down from the board of deacons at church the next week, for vague reasons of sexual impropriety. That's it. 

I received stronger punishments for not cleaning my room once a week.

(originally posted February 3, 2012)

Do you think it's possible to handle a child molester without getting the police involved?

At the time my abuser, my ex-brother-in-law, was found out, my father was against State involvement. He believed everything should be taken care of within the church family. I'm not one to ever say there is only ONE way to handle anything, but I certainly think a child molester needs more of a plan than just, "Confess, repent, we forgive you, and it's over".

Would it ever be an option, if the church is going to handle a child molester on their own, of putting a plan into place that includes:

• long term counseling for both the offender and the victim
• removal from any position of authority
• pressure put on the offender to remove himself from any position that places the offender around children, with threats of police intervention if that doesn't happen
• long term counseling for the spouse, the children, the extended family
• full disclosure to the other families in the church
• if the offender leaves that church, the police should be called, thereby forcing the offender to stay in a place where he's watched and held accountable

What do you think? It is possible that a plan like that could have some effect? My husband and I have been attending Christ's Church of the Valley for a few years now. Being a megachurch with a bazillion members, the feeling there might be a little different than at a 200 member traditional Baptist church in the late 80s, but I'd be curious to know. For those of you involved in leadership at a church, what would your plan of action be? Would you immediately call the police? Or would you try to handle it within the body of believers?

ORIGINAL COMMENTS

Pamela H, Feb 3 11:10am: Police always. Following your thread from the other post, that we would call the police if it was a murder. It would follow to always call the police if a child is molested. I know that teachers have a mandatory reporting "rule" if they hear of abuse. Did it not apply to clergy in the 80"s?

Nicole, Feb 3 1:00pm: Police. There is no question. Is this because I'm a mother? I don't know. I am not fanatical about any organization (church, school, football team, whatever) enough to protect it by keeping silent or hesitating once the truth is known. There is no allegiance that trumps a crime of that magnitude. I think you've shown a tremendous amount of grace and restraint in your posts. You obviously love your family very much. Let no one tell you otherwise.

Iya H, Feb 3 5:16pm: I have to agree. I know for a fact (from first hand experience), that any paid staff member of a church is a recognized "required reporter" by the state, for at least the last 15 years, and volunteers are encouraged to report even a suspicion of abuse. In a Utopia, perhaps accountability, reconciliation and healing could be managed by individuals in a group, but that is not reality. Humanity is broken, civilization requires laws and authorities for that very reason. Thank you, Suzanne, for allowing us to be a part of this journey, will continue to pray it brings you the healing you seek.

Anonymous, Feb 3 7:53pm: I don't think that any church is capable of providing careful and thorough counseling in most situations. I know that pastors can't fully evaluate whether or not they are ABLE to provide that counseling, so that leaves the weaker party in a difficult position of being unprotected, uncounseled and possibly not nurtured. Sounds like that is what happened despite good intentions. I know that it is what happened to me with abuse in a marriage. I trusted church leadership too much and pastors over the years were not able to diagnose the imbalance in the home, the abuse and my skewed view of submission.

Police, yes with child abuse. Even with a little church in a small town, how can monitoring be total? Too risky for other children. And most of all, very detrimental to the victim who NEEDS professional counseling.

Anonymous, Feb 4 12:16am: I am not so sure that the police are the best course of action for rehabilitation for your ex-brother-in-law, if I can focus on the here and now for a second. Would the police be best for punishment? Sure. Absolutely. There is really no better (legal and ethical) way for him to be punished than to have the law do its work, from public trials to public incarceration for his terribly shameful acts.

But this brings up another question - would YOU be more satisfied if he were to punished in that manner versus being sent through a rehabilitation program? I know if some dude messed with me as kid (and I'm a dude) I would want to hunt his sorry butt down and make him pay dearly in a shawshank kind of way. But the Christian me would know that I need to forgive too. Wow. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through now Suzanne. I'm praying for you.

Anonymous, Feb 4 9:40am: I agree with 2/3, 9:16pm Anonymous, but I see the priorities as: 1. Healing for Suzanne 2. Stopping this from happening ever again by perpetrator 3. Help for her ex-brother-in-law to not do again. #2 comes before #3 in my mind. And #1, at this late date, is paramount.

Anonymous, Feb 5 9:06am: I think not involving the police in handling sex abuse cases is how the Catholic Church got into such a mess with its own sexual abuse situation.

Anonymous, Feb 5 2:34pm: God instituted government in Gen 9:6 to administer the death penalty in the preservation of the dignity of man as an image bearer of God. Paul also identifies the human government is a God given instrument to maintaining righteous, healthy community order. So, the government is God's instrument for maintaining good and righteous order in society. It should be called in play its rightful role in maintaining safe, righteous and healthy society.