Well folks, after a long break, I've decided to come back to Being Suzanne Mosley. For my big return, you get the first installment of Andrew's Lewis Family Challenge newsletter. That's right, it's
fantasy football time again, and this year's family league is bigger than ever. Before I give you the newsletter, here's a list of who each team belongs to. The newsletter won't make much sense if you don't know who The Commish is talking about.
Hamilton Haulers - Andrew (@HamiltonHaulers)
The middle Lewis son, my brother. 40-some years old. Generously hosts this extremely high-maintenance family's football league every year. Compassionate to a fault (or so says Ed).
Mosley Dolphins - Eric Mosley (
@ericmoze)
My husband, who is also The Commish of his office's fantasy league. Excessively cute and wickedly smart. That's how he earned his way into this family to begin with.
Sauteed Mules - Suzanne (
@shmoozanne74)
Me, dancer extraordinaire, Master of all I see.
RoopDogs - Amy (
@lazymom05)
My sister, mother of Nathan, Victoria, Alex and Allyson (also Ashley, who isn't in the league), engaged to Ed. Supplies the amazing trailer park where we hold our draft every Labor Day. And by "supplies", I mean she lives there.
SpecialEd - Ed (
@captmongo)
Engaged to my sister Amy, always engaged in lively heated but friendly football related spats with Andrew and EMo. Hater of compassion. This may be why I like him.
A Team Grown In Brooklyn - Bethany (
@bethanyglewis)
My niece, ELew's 2nd daughter. Lives in NYC, works at Hearst Publishing, very hip, smart and sarcastic. This is her first year in the league. She joined specifically for the newsletters, so you know they must be good.
Keeping Five Alive - Bonnie (
@bonita82)
Elew's oldest daughter, my oldest niece. Mother of 5 cute rugrats, surprisingly relaxed and funny. Turned out to be a major contender in last year's league! Who knew??
Golden Knights - Alex (? is he on twitter?)
Amy's younger son. Jack of all trades, master in his own mind. My son Zach's favorite cousin, "You know Mom, I like that one that works at Chili's..." Falsely accused of getting fired from his job for smelling bad. Sometimes flakes out on setting his lineup due to
the pot liquor having way more important things to do. ALLEGEDLY!
Emmaus Smytherines - Jeff (@smythie86)
Brooke's husband. EMo's co-worker. Linux lover...if I were 5 I'd accuse him of wanting to marry Linux. Sounds like a wild animal when puking.
DaDogg Pound - Nathan (
@NateRupp)
Amy's oldest son, following in her bartending footsteps in NYC. Provided the family with arguably the best story of all time. Wearer of natty outfits. Is looking up the meaning of the word "natty" right now.
No Punt Intended - Brooke (@schnookers715)
Bonnie and Bethany's younger sister. Married to Jeff. Has been called Mary Poppins on many occasions. Pretends to be nice to old men for pay. Could probably do more push ups than you.
Team Jacob - Victoria (
@vrupple)
Amy's middle daughter. Has been known to hire male escorts for family functions. Is in the process of faking her way through college. Sings a mean version of Hallelujah. Is a self-taught hair braiding expert.
Middletown All Stars - Christopher (way too young for Twitter! ;)
Bonnie's oldest son, this is his first year in the league. As a baseball All-Star, he knows a bit about how to win games. We all need to look out for this underage GM.
Little Rupp - Allyson (way too high school for Twitter! ;)
Amy's youngest daughter, Victoria's sister. With her assets, you wonder why she doesn't do better in a fantasy league. Is trying to take over her brother's status as Zach's favorite Chili's cousin.
And there you have it. The list of the Lewis Family fantasy football teams. Now the newsletters might make a tad more sense. If you need clarification, just ask. Refer back to this post if needed for future newsletters.
Following is the first installment of the newsletter, the Week 1 Preview:
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Thus ... we give you ... the brand spankin' new ... LFC 2010 Week 1 PREVIEW:
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LEWIS FAMILY CHALLENGEGAME OF THE WEEK:"Dolphins @ SpecialEd"* Both of these teams feature the game's smartest general managers, proven winners that keep their franchises in championship form year in and year out. Except for 2009. The Dolphins and Special Ed both suffered uncharacteristic losing streaks to close out last season. The memory of those losses will still be fresh in their minds as they take the field this weekend. The Dolphins feature some of the game's most exciting offensive players, in Brady, Owens, Sims-Walker, Driver, Clark - but they're nursing camp dings and bruises ... Meanwhile Special Ed's starting lineup is primed and ready for the season to kickoff - Jackson, Forte, Knox, and Schaub will all feature prominently in this team's scoring.
PREDICTION: SpecialEd by 12ptsGAMES TO KEEP AN EYE ON:Haulers @ Sauteed Mules* These two teams were at the top of the standings all season long and there is no reason to think we won't see more of the same in 2010. This is definitely a statement game for these two franchises - who will start off this new season with a resounding victory over a playoff contender?
Smytherines @ DaDogg Pound* The Pounders were the league's checkout counter for wins/points last season as teams cued up for a chance at a free win and an opportunity to run up the scoreboard. "Those days are over," says our source from the DaDogg offices. If that's true, they got heck of a game to prove it - as they line up against one of last season's toughest teams, the Smytherines - recently moved from the Virginia mountains to the Pennsylvania foothills of the Lehigh Valley. The Pounders have placed their 2010 hopes on RB Chris Johnson (the league's #1 overall pick). You can bet they're praying the injury plinko disk doesn't land on him.
BEST OF THE REST:roop dogs @ a team grows in brooklyn* The BK horticulturists are one of the league's new franchises - and their first match is a tough one, a perennial playoff contender in the roop dogs. This will be a great test for the tree-huggers.
Keeping Five Alive @ Golden Knights* GM of the Year, Bonnie Johnson, has assembled an impressive starting roster and kicks off her 2010 season against one of last season's floormats, the Golden Knights. The vortex that was the 2009 season put down not only the Pounders, but also the once mighty Knights. Its a new season and with their high draft picks, the Knights have a chance to prove last season was a fluke.
No Punt Intended @ team jacob
* "Its a cat fight!" - The feline hairballs will be flying in this matchup - between the trans-formative jacobites and the newly declawed Intenders. The jacobians are another one of the league's new franchises for 2010 and they've been served a nice manageable portion for their first venture into this realm we call "The Challenge".
All Stars @ littlerupp* The AllStars are the last of our newest teams and they get a cakewalk for their first game in the league. The littlerupp is a franchise in disarray, although their management insists they've spent the off-season in team-building exercises, sensitivity focus re-entrenchment contiguous disciplines, and creative macrame. All with the goal of doubling their win total from last season.
My own mother earns this title because, well, she's MY mother. Any woman who says, in regards to Angelina Jolie, "If God had wanted me to adopt African babies, He wouldn't have put that big ocean between me and them" is going to be the mother I love best. Even the most olive complected mothers pale in comparison.
Talk about a life changing year. My sister Amy had to face every mother's fear when her daughter Ashley, who has some learning challenges, got pregnant. Amy navigated those rough waters with a grace and dignity that some might not expect from my sister. But I never expected anything less. Her love for her daughter, as well as for her childless brother, gave her the strength to choreograph the most beautiful of endings. And while most will never know the great toll it took on her, a few of us do, and we bow down in awe. 
My sister-in-law Sue has the unwanted distinction of being the mother with the sickest kids of the past year. But if anyone can handle that title, she can. No one can attend to and mend a sick child like Sue. From ear infections to lifelong diseases, she can manage them all with ease. She definitely missed her calling as a nurse. If my kids ever get very ill, I'm sending them to her house! 
Though this mother's baby looks oddly like an unsalted peanut at the moment, my niece Brooke will no doubt be putting the rest of us mothers to shame come December. She will be changing diapers and making bottles and folding onesies and powdering bottoms and tickling toes, all with both hands tied behind her back. I know I'm looking forward to meeting this perfect mothers' baby, who will surely have the fattest cheeks in all of Christendom!
This toughest of nuts was forever cracked when her baby Landon was born. From the minute my niece Brianne laid eyes on that baby, she fell head over heels and turned into a big bowl of mush! That boy will never go a minute without knowing his mama thinks he's the smartest, most handsome, funniest, kindest, most talented, best dressed, fastest, most creative, best hairstyle, cleanest eater, best sleeper, ....you get the point. Landon's got his mama's full attention, and we all love seeing her soft and gushy side!
She may not now be or ever have been a Lewis, but my best friend Melissa has earned her place in this family's yearbook. While some mothers make decisions for their kids on a whim, Melissa analyzes to a gnat's eyebrow each and every decision regarding her children. Whether it be as simple as what outfit they should wear to a party or what the best course of treatment is for their learning disability, she will spend hours upon hours researching each and every possibility to find the perfect one. Her children can sleep deeper at night in the knowledge that what their mother has done for them has been exactly what they needed. 
Nothing ruffles this mother's feathers. My oldest niece Bonnie has 5 children under 13, and you never see her lose her cool. And why would she? She was born to be a mother. She's seen her kids safely through rough times with her relaxed, positive manner. There's not a week that goes by that either Melissa or I don't say to each other, "I really wish I could be more like Bonnie right now...why can't I just relax about this??!" No grey hairs in this mother's future, that's for sure!
I am so lucky to be part of a family full of strong maternal influences. The Lewis family as a whole would fall by the wayside if not for the perseverance and tough-mindedness of all of these women. 
While the rest of us spent the last year ranting and raving like plucked chickens about our petty issues, my niece Ashley was quietly proving herself to be the most real mother of us all. She had the intelligence to realize that she wasn't ready for the challenges of motherhood and the courage to allow her child to be raised by people who were ready for those challenges. We should all hope that in the face of tough decisions, we would be as practical and as brave as Ashley has been. (Not to mention she gave her Aunt Kathy the chance to stop hating Mother's Day!)
This is a fun one, from 2003. The homemade jug lamp. Bethany opened this white elephant, and it was a major hit. In fact, I believe someone stole it from her.
Ah, Solomon...no sous chef ever made prep work look so good.
Oh, the giant sized underwear. Richard, of course, had to model them.....
Eric got a little loopy this particular year......
My sister Amy, at home in front of her homemade bar area.
While in my mind this picture needs no explanation, I'm sure some will demand one...I was making fun of my niece Bethany, whose Facebook/MySpace photo albums proved that she was in her "When someone takes my picture, I will either be drinking, giving them the finger, dancing crazily, or touching people inappropriately, preferably all four" stage of life.
Someone who didn't understand the rules brought a brand new bottle of alcohol. That one got stolen many times...
Woot, the singing Bing Crosby! While Eric's dad opened this one, I believe the Tabassos took Bing home that year.
Ah, no cocktail party white elephant game is complete without a body part gift. In 2004, it was the boob mug.
Mark Rogers, showing initiative by offering to dispose of the trash on his first year at the party. THIS is how you get invited back!!
And lastly, Michael T. demonstrates the position that most Mosley cocktail party first-timers end up in. Poor guy...
Tonight is our annual Christmas cocktail party. My sister Amy, a professional bartender, mixes the drinks, and they are always fantastical. I'm not a drinker, in fact I'm famous for ordering drinks and taking maybe 3 sips before I can't drink any more. But Amy's drinks are so smooth that not only can I finish one, but I can drink a second.
The birthday girl
Brianne and Victoria
Brianne, Allyson, and random Ashley friend
How much do I hate post-baby pictures of myself...
Alex and Amy (and random Ashley friend again)
Victoria
