The Dad Squad

Not to be outdone, the yearbook for the men in the Lewis family has come out just in time for Father's Day! Let's see who made the grades!

IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME DAD

No one wanted a baby as much as this dad, so the fact that he had to wait 20 years couldn't have been more agonizing. But that baby finally came, and it's safe to say he was worth waiting for! Andrew's proving to be the dad we all knew he would be; patient, innovative, and fun, making baby RFL a lucky baby indeed. As Melissa T. says, "I think a kid would give up anything to have Andrew as a father and get to sleep in a drawer!"

MOST FUN DAD

Brianne's husband Joe wins this title hands down. When the kids want to play for hours on end, Joe is always up for the challenge. His endless energy and enthusiasm makes him a shoe-in for this category. His son Landon will never be bored, and Landon's friends will always want to come over to his house. In my house, whenever the boys are trying a new trick that requires physical aptitude, you'll very often hear the phrase "I bet Joe could teach us!"

BEST LONG DISTANCE DAD

There are some things Dads never want to be, and I'd bet the number one thing is "not there". But Ed had to take on that challenge and in true Ed style he has made the best of it. He proves that the shortest distance between two points is a father's determination, and while he can't be there physically, he's learned to accept that the next best thing is better than nothing.

GEEKIEST DAD

This Dad of the unsalted peanut is no doubt gearing up to deck the nursery halls with homemade webcams made from old television sets hooked to peanut butter jars and light bulbs. Posters of Bill Gates with Sharpie moustaches and devil horns will line the baby clothes drawers. Little Unsalted Peanut will be spitting on my iPhone "accidentally" while Jeff rewards baby with treats behind my back. Lucky for him I love geeks!

MOST COMPLEX DAD

It's not a given that all dads will be easy to read. Sometimes we have to look deeper into a dad to see the truths that lie beneath. My brother Eric has more layers than a Napoleon, so you've got to work a little harder to get to the layer you want. But it's there. It just might take few pints of a stout ale to reach it. And let's be real, any dad can hug you, but there aren't many dads out there who can rewire your house, build you a computer, babysit all 14 of your children at once, analyze your personality, clean your grout, fly you to your destination, starch your shirts, and teach you Bible lessons all in one day. Way better.

MOST SUPPORTIVE DAD

While Bonnie certainly could have done a bang-up job on her own, she found a gem in Jamie. He stepped into the role of father like he'd been doing it his whole life, and filled a void in the lives of Bonnie's kids. A few special men out there have the ability to love children regardless of who their biological father is, and Jamie is certainly one of those.

JOB WELL DONE DAD

Eric Mosley couldn't be the father he is without my father in law Jerry having done something right. He's another one of those special men who can love a child completely, regardless of biology. Eric grew up knowing he was adopted, but never feeling like anything but Jerry Mosley's real son. Because that's what he was. Big Father's Day thanks go out to this dad.

MOST SATISFYING DAD

If you've got needs, Michael T.'s here to get them taken care of. Whether his kids need time, attention, discipline, instruction, distraction, motivation, encouragement, Michael is on the job. When a deficiency is identified, you can bet the farm it's going to be addressed posthaste.

MOST SEXY DEMONSTRATIVE DAD

I always knew Eric was going to be the best kind of father. Demonstrative to the extreme, supportive to the extreme, attentive to the extreme. And I was right. I've never wished he was any other kind of father than what he is, and I'm so glad for my children that they will grow up with a dad like him.

BEST DAD FOR ME DAD

Maybe some dads are more this or more that, but for my money I couldn't have gotten one more perfect for me. Not many dads in this world would have "gotten" me, but mine not only got me but thought highly of me as well. We've been part of our own Mutual Respect Society from day 1, and the value that he has brought to my life is immeasurable.

Yellow Stars Of David All Around!

We survived Day 1 of Holocaust Week. Not only that, but people from all over are jumping on board the Nazi Diet cattle train. And by "from all over" I mean other people in my family. Oh, and Richard. So come along and ride with us! You know you want to be a Frank too...

Michael ate fried shrimp for lunch yesterday and brought home a takeout container of leftovers. His excuse was that he hadn't read the list of Approved Holocaust Food yet. Melissa yelled at him, "DO YOU THINK ANNE FRANK ATE FRIED SHRIMP??!??!?!?!! You're a terrible Nazi..." It's off to the crematorium for Michael!

Eric survived too. He instant messaged me at 4pm asking, "Do I have to ask you if I can have a stick of gum, Herr Kommandant?" He's the Hogan to my Klink, I love it......

Dieting is fun.

Mein Salad

It's Holocaust Week! That's right, Melissa and I start a new diet today, one that we created together. It's called the Nazi Diet. Oh stop, chill out. We've called it that because we intend on being just like Nazis when it comes to food. You know, the good part of Nazis. Their dedication and their organization. Admit it, those Nazis had organization and notation down to a science. They were, well, Nazis about it. They wrote EVERYTHING down. Everything was planned to a T.

And this first week we're calling Holocaust Week because we're going extreme. We're purifying our bodies of the toxins. Getting rid of every last one. Processed waste must be eliminated! Heil Protein! We're gettin' all Anne Frank up in dis piece! If you need us, we'll be behind the hidden cupboard in the attic, writing down every last crumb that we shove into our stupid pieholes.

Come on, it's called an ANALOGY. In the words of Zachary Mosley, did you ever hear of that?? We're not making fun of the holocaust, for the love of Beyonce Knowles. It was a tragedy of epic proportion. But it happened, so you can't not talk about it. And, just like every epic tragedy in life, it's up for grabs when it comes to analogy fodder.

We could have called it the Hiroshima Diet. Pearl Harbor Week. The Trail Of Tears Month. But we chose the holocaust because, well, Melissa started it. And then I jumped right on that cattle car and rode it straight into the fiery depths of Auschwitz, because I'm like that. Get me started down an analogous road and I won't get off until my ashes are drifting down like a light snowfall....

Too much?


(I love to freak you out.........)

Ava's Fashions, Featuring Melissa

Two years ago, my annual Christmas Cocktail party was held on a blustery wintry night. Melissa's husband Michael slid his car into a ditch that night, on the way home to pick her up to come to my house. The tow truck took longer than expected, and they ended up not making it to the party. Around 9pm that night, Melissa sent me an email with this picture, saying she was trying to have a good attitude about not making it to the party, but someone needed to at least appreciate her outfit.

I was so busy that night I didn't get around to showing everyone her picture so they could ooh and aah. So today let's all give Melissa's outfit it's proper due, the ovation it never received.

It Was Great, Fuhgettaboutit!!

The amazing wedding reception at Capo's.

Roll The Dice!

Today's the day! Eric and I are off to Las Vegas. On the agenda, a dance competition and marrying off my sister! We'll throw in some gambling, some pampering, lots of eating and various show seeing. Add Melissa and Michael Tabasso into the mix, and this is going to be the funniest weekend in history!

Stay tuned next week when there will no doubt be stories galore, as well as video from the ceremony...!!

Dear Abby, From Lopsided Linda

Here's a question for my readers who are workout savvy. (Basically, that's you, Michael T.)

Like most people I'm sure, my right bicep is much stronger than my left. Also, my right bicep muscle is noticeably larger than my left. (And when I say "noticeably", I mean that my right bicep is 1/8" high, and my left is 1/12" high.) To rectify this situation, do I:

A) Lower the weight that I use for curls to only the highest weight that my left bicep can handle.

B) Use a different weight dumbell in each hand.

C) Just wait and muscle size will even out after awhile, it's not like my biceps are that big anyway that anyone would ever notice the difference.

D) Wear shirts like this all the time.

Cocktail Party, Attempt Deux

Today I am hosting the 2009 Mosley Christmas Cocktail Party. The original party was rescheduled due to a major snowstorm. In honor of the party, I give you some cocktail party memories from years past...

This is a fun one, from 2003. The homemade jug lamp. Bethany opened this white elephant, and it was a major hit. In fact, I believe someone stole it from her.

Ah, Solomon...no sous chef ever made prep work look so good.

Oh, the giant sized underwear. Richard, of course, had to model them.....

Eric got a little loopy this particular year......

My sister Amy, at home in front of her homemade bar area.

While in my mind this picture needs no explanation, I'm sure some will demand one...I was making fun of my niece Bethany, whose Facebook/MySpace photo albums proved that she was in her "When someone takes my picture, I will either be drinking, giving them the finger, dancing crazily, or touching people inappropriately, preferably all four" stage of life.

Someone who didn't understand the rules brought a brand new bottle of alcohol. That one got stolen many times...

Woot, the singing Bing Crosby! While Eric's dad opened this one, I believe the Tabassos took Bing home that year.

Ah, no cocktail party white elephant game is complete without a body part gift. In 2004, it was the boob mug.

Mark Rogers, showing initiative by offering to dispose of the trash on his first year at the party. THIS is how you get invited back!!

And lastly, Michael T. demonstrates the position that most Mosley cocktail party first-timers end up in. Poor guy...

Parcheesi Anyone?

Last Saturday night I attended a 5th wedding anniversary party for my best friend Melissa and her husband Michael. I decided to surprise them by forcing everyone who attended to play The Newlywed Game. I printed out questions from the original board game, downloaded the theme song to my iPod and packed my portable speakers, grabbed a pack of paper plates to use as answer cards, and stopped at Walmart for a pack of Sharpies and prizes. Boom, Newlywed Game!

In doing this, I had a realization. No one plays couples games anymore. For me it seems so normal. When my parents were involved in the Navigators, couples games at get-togethers was the norm. My parents brought that to First Baptist Church as well. So growing up, I always saw couples getting together and playing games. Was it just a 70's thing?

These days it seems very passe among our age group. Very uncool.

Well, I'm bringing couples games back. It's my mission. Never shall there be a get-together among friends where a game is not played. When insecurities are thrown to the wind and facades are torn down, hilarity always ensues.

Cheesy games bring us together, folks.

This Suit Needs A Manual

Picking out a bathing suit for Ava this week reminded me of a cute story.

We were in South Carolina with the Tabasso family two summers ago. One day, Melissa and I decided to go out to lunch together and leave the kids with the husbands. The guys were going to take the kids to the pool while we were gone.

After our amazing lunch, Melissa's cell phone rang. Eric was calling to ask me to give him directions over the phone on how to do up the back of Ava's bathing suit top.

If I haven't mentioned yet, little girl bathing suits kill me. I search high and low to find Ava's bathing suit each year. One of her suits from the summer of 2007 was a Frankie and Daisy skirted bikini. The back of the bikini top was a veritable maze of straps and loops.

Apparently, Eric was having a hard time figuring it out. He had even called Michael in to get his opinion, and Michael tried his hand at it. Michael got on the phone with Melissa after Eric and I were finished talking, and he tried to take directions as well, but it just wasn't happening. Now, all of this was done very casually and quietly, as both Eric and Michael are super respectful of Ava's sensitivities. Even on the phone, they both were speaking very quietly and calmly, so as not to freak Ava out with the attention.

Melissa and I spent the rest of the drive back bawling our eyes out over the image in our heads. These two big tough manly men conferring with each other on how to gently lace up little Ava's bikini top, using their big old man hands to try to get the little straps through the little loops in the proper pattern, caring so much about getting it right for her, all the while keeping in the forefront of their minds her sensitivity to attention....


Melissa and I have lucky daughters.

(We solved the problem by just telling them to get her one-piece bathing suit. We could feel their relief through the airwaves.)