I Thank The Bank For The Money, Thank God For You

(The title? Come on y'all, vintage Sawyer Brown!)


While I'm most grateful for this cute bunch today, I'd like to take a minute to be grateful for my friends. Oh yes, I have a few of them, don't look so shocked...

First, the original and still the best, Melissa. She's the devil on my left AND the angel on my right. How else would she be able to stick around so long...


While changing their dirty diapers, I never thought that my 4 oldest nieces would grow up to be 4 of my best friends, but here we are.

the one I'd go on a field trip with any day of the week, Bonnie May

the one I love getting late night calls from, Brianne Elizabeth

the one who knows what I look like doing "Superman! BANANA!", Brooke Suzanne

and the one who feels my sweat pain, Bethany Gates.

My dance partner Richard, who became one of my best friends our first Christmas as partners when he looked at me and said, "So...I like you, you like me, we don't have to get gifts for each other, right?" And then solidified our friendship when he later said, "Um, my dead gramma in her casket can spin faster than you." And his partner Solomon, who is wickedly intelligent but still treats me like a goddess. Bizarre, I know.

Hold on, I'm going to go so far as to add two more, who over the past year have become peas to my carrots. Everyone's Sugar Daddy, John Burns, who makes this list not just because his grammar is as good as mine, but because he gets me even though he doesn't like to admit it. (I'd add his wife Karen to this list but she's prettier than I, so screw that idea...)

..and the beautiful Antoinette Santoro, who makes me laugh for real, not the fake laugh that I usually use around most of you. Her sense of humor is so much larger than her chest, thank goodness, which is basically just average....

There! See? I have friends!

(Now, to hope that none of these people comment on this post with, "What? Who are you? Do I know you??")

Bethany Has Arrived

Maybe it's too soon, but even propriety can't hold funny back...a conversation from last week, between EMo, myself and Bethany:

Me: I had a light lunch today so I could pig out today.

EMo: Ugh, not me. I had a huge lunch. I went to this burger joint and had this amazing burger called a "Penn State" burger. Do you want to know what it had on it?

Me: Um, young boys?

EMo: Ha ha very funny, no.

(At this point I iMessaged Bethany, a Penn State grad, into our conversation. I repeated the previous exchange to her, asking her if it was too soon. She replied:)

Beth: Bah. And I do still want to know what was on the burger.

Me: Ok, to start with, 2 hamburger patties. DIPPED IN BATTER AND DEEP FRIED.

Beth: Ugh, gross. So the Penn State connection is what? The shame you feel after?

EMo and I erupted in laughter. EMo, from whom a compliment, especially one that is richly deserved, is never given, said, "She's funny!" (I think that was the most commas I've ever put into one sentence.)

Hurricane Stand-Up

I'm not ashamed to say that my niece Bethany was making me pee a little bit in my pants yesterday during our hurricane instant message conversation:

Beth: Parts of NYC are being evacuated now. i'm a full two blocks from the evacuation zone, so i'm set

Me: That seems close

Beth: It is. the only thing i'd worry about at my place are the window, but we have a huge basement we can hang in.

Me: Cole is obsessed with the hurricane. he watched the weather channel for 6 hours straight, updating me. telling me "we have to be on HIGH ALERT, mom".

Beth: Can he prepare my "go bag" that Bloomberg keeps mentioning?

Me: Andrew used to have plenty of go bags.

Beth: bahahahah

Beth: The bag i currently have on me has flat sandals (i'm wearing the platforms), duct tape, sealant foam, gum, and an apple. i'm set, right??

Me: LOL. add water and you're good.

Beth: Magazines! I knew I forgot something...

Me: Cole is agonizing over which of our 3 cars will have to stay outside for the duration of the storm.

Beth: Sophie's choice......(at which point I snorted my Diet Pepsi out my nose)

Me: We have a split tree in our backyard that Eric's worried about. He asked me to get Gpa to come duct tape it.

Beth: You wanna know the real tragedy in all this? I straightened my hair last night. How long is that going to last??!?!

I hope Beth doesn't die when Irene floods NYC, because I like her.

That's Life

I'm a dancer. My niece Bethany works in magazines. But my mother did both. At the same time. With both hands stuck inside a cardboard box. (that's her on the right, her high school friend Delores on the left.)

Back Away From The NTJ

Bethany and Mom, my fellow female NTJ'ers. We're no joke, so take heed.

I Don't Wanna Be It!

Lewis babies all growed up....but while the rest of you see 6 drop dead gorgeous young adults with tons of amazing hair, jawbones to knock you dead, boobs enough to feed all the starving children in Africa, skin to put airbrushed pageant babies to shame, I see 6 chubby kids with cute dirty faces waiting to play Kick The Can with me and Melissa.

STRETCHY PANTS CHRISTMAS EVE!

Today is the 1st Annual Stretchy Pants Christmas Eve! Shady Maple smorgasbord is the destination. A few days ago it was just a little idea floating around in my head, but at the slightest mention of "football field length Amish buffet", people in my family started foaming at the mouths. I'll forever laugh at how quickly Bethany changed her train schedule so she'd arrive in town in time to join us. She must have lunged for her smartphone in less time than it takes to split your pants at Shady Maple. Even Miss Fancy Pants City Girl can't resist an all-you-can-eat Lancaster County Christmas....

What's That On Your Head?

Cole's Thanksgiving party trick. He wanted to get everyone with the helmet on, but only got about halfway around the table before something distracted him.

What Might Have Been

Here's a fun little post: I came across the pictures from the day Brooke first tried on wedding dresses. Of course, when you throw Me, Mom, Brooke, Bethany, Bonnie and Brianne together in a David's Bridal, you get nothing less than pure comedy (I recall Bonnie making me wet my pants at lunch that day, making fun of the soup). But we did get some work done that day, as you'll see in the following photos:

This one killed me dead. An amazing combination of vintage and red carpet. But probably more me than Brookeedee.

I mean really, with a figure like that, it's a miracle Brooke escaped the pregnancy bug before the big day...just sayin'...

I loved her in this one. A Grecian goddess, Athena with Snow White curls...

This one started a string of quinceanera dresses that had Bethany and I singing and dancing the Mexican Hat dance through the rows of rainbow colored bridesmaids dresses

The va-va-voom Marilyn Monroe dress

Ava was not a fan of monkeying around in David's Bridal

Of course, Brooke ended up with the perfect dress, and looked like heavenly perfection on her big day.

Week 7 Preview From The Commish

2010 LFC Week SEVEN PREVIEW
==============================================

What the heck happened? Just because I take a week off and the league turns upside down - all the teams headed for the post-season lose to the bottom dwellers ... and now those basement rats are runnin' the show!

Congrats to teamjacob, DoggPound, & littlerupp for giving this league a much needed boost of realism and takin the top teams down a few pegs ....

As per usual ... view the league's top scorers of the week - and of the season at:
http://lewisfamily.league.fantasy.nfl.com/league/56914/players/leaders

Now - since I've been slow on the updates ... and week seven is just days away, instead of a review, I give you ... the Week Seven PREVIEW!

================

LEWIS FAMILY CHALLENGE GAME OF THE WEEK:

5-1 FiveAlive @ 4-2 DoggPound

* Back when the season was only a couple weeks old, this matchup appeared to be a yawner - flash forward four weeks, DoggPound found a way to put up 150pts a week and the StayAlive crew has knocked off several playoff contenders - and both of these teams are riding a four game winning streak ... lo and behold, do we have our first championship preview? For week7, it appears the Pounders have the edge, as their starters have some juicy matchups this weekend that should bring in points by the dozen - meanwhile the Johnson Five will need some luck to reach 100pts. But don't count them out, as the Pound have three starters that haven't practiced yet this week, nursing injuries that could hinder their production this weekend and make this game come down to a Monday nite affair - which by the way, the Johnsonistas will be enjoying their Cowboy Duumvirate of Romo & Jones.

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Next Best Game of the Week:
3-3 Smytherines @ 2-4 teamjacob

* There's a caveat to this being a high-rated game - that being, as long as the management team over at teamjacob burns the midnight oil and gets their starting lineup into shape for this weekend's game, we just might see a decent game ... as they have a total of five players sitting out on a bye this weekend. Sound drafting decisions there. Else, the Smytherines could be looking at a possible +75 point differential in the outcome. Brutal. It would be a shame, as teamjacob has been scary recently, putting up numbers big enough to scare the teams waiting to play them in future weeks. You can bet the folks running the Smytherines are exhaling a big sigh of relief when they saw how many jacobians are taking the week off - not often you can notch a win before the game is even played.

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4-2 Haulers @ 4-2 AllStars

*A Tale of Two Teams - One going up, the other going down. Midway through the 2010 LFC Player draft the Haulers were the talk of the draft war rooms - not for anything positive - but for their implausible decision to go several rounds before drafting any RBs. You know, runningbacks - the guys that get to touch the ball more times than the ballboys? The guys that get to carry the ball anytime the team wants to score points? Yea, those guys. Instead, the Haulers decided to go the pauper route. Choosing instead to sit outside the stadium gate in their worst sackclothes and lament the sufferings of a modern day fantasy football lineup, crying out to their higher power, "Why O HigherPower, hast Thouest foresakenth uste?" Oh - and they stink, too. Meanwhile, the Allstars are quietly moving up the standings and they have a shot to win three straight in the coming weeks.

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2-4 SauteedMules @ 2-4 BrooklynTrees

* If either of these two teams wanna shot to make a playoff run, this is the week to turn things around. The Toothpicks have an easier schedule than the ButteredMules from here on out - and could make a decent showing for an expansion club. Both teams are at full strength and this matchup could wind up being the most closely fought game of the weekend. Either the game will end with the Asses relieving themselves on the windward side of the Shrubs ... or we'll all be asking ourselves, "If a tree falls on a Mule in an empty stadium, will the home team surrender %45 of the local ad revenue?"

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2-4 roopdogs @ 4-2 SpecialEd

* As I was bouncing my boy on my lap last night, telling him stories of the early days of the 2010 LFC season, back when SpecialEd was the talk of the league: "You could barely get through a sentence without a mention of how great SpecialEd's lineup was," I waxed eloquently, "GMs were jealous of his highlighter prowess and his ability to draft all the right RBs." And this too shall pass ... a great goateed jogger once said, as he tumbled into the grass while the Harley flipped across the pavement with verse cards flying like chocolate rain. This league is all about the Pound and the high-steppin' moves of the Johnson Five. SpecialEd is so September. This Week Seven Edition of Edward's Most Exceptional is hemorrhaging talent, victims of the Bye Plague that is rampant nowadays. The floundering roopdogs couldn't ask for a better opportunity to gain control of the highly coveted Trailer Bowl trophy.

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2-4 Dolphins @ 3-3 GoldenKnights

* Any other season, this matchup would be the focus of the week. Journalists from all corners of the globe would be covering the pregame personnel moves - as the two GMs vie for just the right starting unit to gain the most points. But this is the 2010 version of the LFC - the version that allows teenyboppers to humiliate self-professed experts of football in front of seemingly two or three people. Sure either one of these two teams could right the ship and go on a winning streak and be a playoff threat - but that's a few weeks from now. But right now, week seven - this is Dolphins/GoldenKnights. And TNT will be showing the 2004 version of Walking Tall, starring The Rock on Sunday afternoon - and I just gotta find out what he's cooking up for security guards at the new casino in his hometown. We're talking the People's Elbow, people!

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2-4 NoPunts @ 3-3 littlerupp

* Complainers & whiners get no love from the editors of this preview - so a brotha needs a week or two to get his head straight - to find himself - to see if there's any chance to keep a sense of himself in the middle of all these dirty diapers - can I still host my weekly dice game on the balcony on the nights when I'm on baby duty - are there any onomatopoeias that are palindromes? You know, the real questions of life .... but yea, I'll stop all that and toss ya'll a preview ... I got your preview ... right here ... a 2-4 team is playing a 3-3 team. One will win, one will lose. One won't be watching.

Week 4 Review From The Commish

2010 LFC Week FOUR REVIEW
==============================================

Here's your top scorers of the week! Only starting players get credit for being an LFC Top Scorer ... you can view all the league's top scorers of the week - and of the season at:
http://lewisfamily.league.fantasy.nfl.com/league/56914/players/leaders

littlerupp QB DET Shaun Hill: 26.54pts
SpecialEd RB HOU Arian Foster: 39.70pts
Dolphins WR CIN Terrell Owens: 39.20pts
DaDoggPound TE SD Antonio Gates 30.40pts
NoPuntIntended K SD Nate Kaeding: 12.00pts
roopdogs SD Chargers Defense 31.00pts

Look out folks - here is comes ... the LFC 2010 Week 4 REVIEW!

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LEWIS FAMILY CHALLENGE GAME OF THE WEEK:

2-2 Smytherines 108.64
1-3 Dolphins 109.22

* Well look who finally righted the ship and found the way to beuluh-land. Both teams were dealing with byes from contributing starters as well as low output from the starters who played. The Dolphins won by a little more than a half a point, thanks to the monster outing by CIN WR Terrell Owens (38.2pts in Cleveland). Both teams left points on the bench, but just about every scenario would give the beached Mosleys their first win of the 2010 season. Congrats to the Dolphins for not just their first win, but versus one of the league's toughest teams!

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3-1 SpecialEd 91.22
1-3 team jacob 109.44

* You just knew there was something in the air when team jacob took a huge early lead over Special Ed in the 1pm games on Sunday - this was UpsetWeekend in LFC - all the major teams succumbed to teams itching to get above .500. While all the other upsets are admirable, team jacob pulled off the win of the season - taking down the league's #1 team despite not even starting three RBs. Special Ed got a great game from HOU HB A. Foster (39.70pts) but his ace-in-the-hole, CHI RB Matt Forte could only offer 3.30pts for the day. It simply wasn't enough to keep their undefeated record alive - as jacob enjoyed outings from IND RB Joseph Addai (20.20pts), DET WR C. JOhnson (20.80pts), and NYJ HB L. Tomlinson (31.50pts). Hopefully this win will turn things around for team jacob as they join the chase for a playoff spot - but if that doesn't happen - they'll always have Sunday October 3rd, 2010 - the day they showed Special Ed who the real team is.

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2-2 Intended 100.78
2-2 roopdogs 109.58

* Special teams, special teams - the LFC is known far and wide for allowing special teams to play a significant role in scoring. The roopdogs took full advantage of those rules, as they came from behind midway through Monday night's football game in Miami, as New England's WR Brandon Tate returned a kickoff 103yds for a touchdown - giving the roopies the lead and the win - bringing their W/L record to a even .500 for the season.

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2-2 in brooklyn 97.90
2-2 littlerupp 120.24

* If team jacob could do it and the Mosley Dolphins found a way - surely littlerupp could produce the same result? Ah, right - the Vegas oddsmakers were piled heavy on the growth spurts, as littlerupp couldn't even find the time to assemble a starting unit with players that were, uhm, actually playing football this weekend. The littleupp started two guys who were on vacation - and started one guy who watched the game from the bench. You could say the bars in Brooklyn were knockin' em back eager to watch the scoreboard light up in their favor - but alas, that would have happened any other Sunday - but not on Upset Sunday. That's right - the guys who did contributed points to the littlerupp cause put up Davidian-vs-Phillistine like numbers. It didn't matter that the rupp deck was half stacked and they had the New England Patriots Defense on MOnday Night Football, who contributed two TDs, four INTs, one TD return, and 2 sacks.

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3-1 allstars 68.30
1-3 Sauteed Mules 55.92

* A rough outing for both of these playoff contenders as neither team came close to reaching the century mark. This was a brutal game to follow as the points were trickling in at a snail's pace. The AllStars won on the arm of NO QB Drew Brees and the back of SD HB Mike Tolbert. Bye weeks can kill even the best teams - and Upset Sunday was all about who managed their byes. The Mules could have won this game - if they hadn't of left 40pts on the bench. Live and learn.

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3-1 Haulers 64.16
3-1 Five Alive 108.14

* This game was over by twenty minutes after 1pm on Sunday - as the Haulers lost the services of their starting QB, PHI Michael Vick. And things didn't get any better when their #1 WR, HOU Andre JOhnson, called out sick at 4:15pm. The Five Alive didn't ease up on the walking wounded - they shifted into overdrive and tapped the nOS button, boom goes the dynamite, folks.

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2-2 Pound 111.16
1-3 Knights 74.54

* Civil War IV: Pounders vs Knights ... this is a battle that has been waging since long before LFC was founded. The entire season rests upon the outcome of this game. And it was a hallmark game - that is, until SD TE Antonio Gates hauled in his 500th career catch on his way to a 30.40pt effort - enough to distance the Pound from the Golden Knights. Two weeks ago the Pounders were sifting sand at the bottom of the standings - now they're a game behind the front runners. Only in the LFC.

Week 3 Review From The Commish

2010 LFC Week Three REVIEW
==============================================

First up - a new feature ... top scorers of the week! Only starting players get credit for being an LFC Top Scorer ... you can view all the league's top scorers of the week - and of the season at:
http://lewisfamily.league.fantasy.nfl.com/league/56914/players/leaders

Haulers QB PHI Michael Vick: 39.64pts
littlerupp RB MIN Adrian Peterson 40.00pts
roopdogs WR BAL Anquan Boldin 35.96pts
FiveAlive TE ATL Tony Gonzalez 21.00pts
SpecialEd K TEN Rob Bironas 9.00pts
DaDoggPound PHI Eagles Defense 18.00pts

Look out folks - here is comes ... the LFC 2010 Week 3 REVIEW!

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LEWIS FAMILY CHALLENGE GAME OF THE WEEK:

2-0 No Punt Intended @ 1-1 a team grows in brooklyn

DevaCurl Bowl I gave the fans their money's worth - as the Intenders mounted a marvelous comeback during the Monday Night Football game between the Chicago Bears and the Green Bay Packers, a game which by the way, featured prominently in a number of LFC's outcomes this weekend. The Intenders had the Pack D and CHI TE Olsen to pull out a victory for them, while the team huggers had to rely on CHI K Gould to leg out the win. While the outcome was glorious for the brookworms, the game should have never been that close, as Ochocinco and Berrian gave sub-par efforts for the No Punts Left Behind, while their backups Evans/Jones could have squeaked out a win for them. Although the local press will have their digicams pressed up against DET's Best - his 3.9pt orchestration seemed somewhat lacking after last week's Herculean posting against the TinKnights. All in all, it was still a great game to watch down to the final gun late Monday evening. This should be a promising matchup to follow in the coming seasons - and who knows, perhaps these two will face each other again later this fall?


2-1 Intended 104.00
(up next -> 1-2 roopdogs)
2-1 in brooklyn 105.54
(up next -> 1-2 littlerupp)

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1-1 middletown allstars @ 2-0 Special Ed

After two weeks of non-stop coverage of the personnel on Special Ed's all-star roster and how many seats will they require for the head table at the LFC Championship banquet - they had to get back to the real work of churning out victories - and this week, they had to go up against the real allstars, of the middletown variety. The Middlers have taken LFC by storm, dominating littlerupp and DaDogg in the season's first two weeks - and now they got to face the league's best team. And until halftime of MNF, it appeared the upstarts were going to shock the world - the allstars took an early lead in the 1pm games and began to distance themselves from Special Ed, but once again, PHI WR DeSean Jackson brought the Specials back into contention with a 61yd TD haul just 10min into his game in Jacksonville. When CHI WR Knox caught a 31yd pass with a little over a minute to go in the first half, Special Ed took the lead and it was lights out for the allstars' moment in the limelight. Don't fret little towners of middle, you've got the goods for a post-season seed.

1-1 allstars 109.80
(up next -> 1-2 Sauteed Mules)
1-1 alEd 119.74
(up next -> 0-3 team jacob)

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1-1 Sauteed Mules @ 2-0 Emmaus Smytherines

If Special Ed wasn't hoggin' all the press coverage, these two teams would be the talk of the league - as they are both clearly built for a deep fall run into the schedule. This game could have easily been a matchup between two undefeateds, had the Mules' Naanee pulled in just one more TD in week one - but those are days past. And the LFC is all about how many points can you score today. This matchup was closely contested during the early games, but by Sunday night, Emmaus had this one locked. SD QB Rivers threw for nearly half-thousand yards in upstate Washington - if he continues to produce like that, move over Special Ed.

2-1 Mules 84.84
(up next -> 1-2 allstars)
2-1 Smytherines 114.10 pts
(up next -> 0-3 Dolphins)
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1-1 roopdogs @ 1-1 Keeping Five Alive

Ugh, you gotta feel for the roopdogs - if you told them at 12:59PM ET on Sunday that they'd have the league's third highest score for the weekend, it'd be drinks for everyone. Alas, the FiveAlive scored the second highest for the weekend. These two teams were over the century mark before the 1PM games had ended - you just knew this one was gonna be close. When the 4pm games ended, the Fiver's score was set - and the roopdogs just needed a huge game from CHI QB Cutler on MNF to bring home the win. But his 14.54pt effort couldn't get the job done and Mother Johnson got her second win of the season.

1-2 roopdogs 127.70
(up next -> 2-1 Intended)
2-1 Five Alive 143.06
(up next -> 3-0 Haulers)

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2-0 Hamilton Haulers @ 0-2 Mosley Dolphins

Absolutely no one, and we do mean no one, ever expected the Mosley Dolphins to start out the season 0-2, let alone 0-3. Especially when they got to play a RB-less team like the Haulers in week three - surely this would be the week the 'Phins would get up off the beach and head for the deep waters where the pros swim. Up until midway through the 4PM games, the Dolphins were looking at a possible champagne post-game celebration - then PHI QB Michael Vick began to settle down and play like a prototypical NFL QB, throwing for nearly 300yds and 3TDs - the scoring in this matchup swung dramatically toward the Haulers. And the Haulers even mistakenly benched a 23.90pt player in ARI RB Stephens-Howling. Destiny was cast - the Dolphins were meant to be winless heading into week four.

3-0 Haulers 99.04
(up next -> 2-1 Five Alive)
0-3 Dolphins 82.88
(up next -> 2-1 Smytherines)

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0-2 team jacob @ 0-2 DaDogg Pound

According to the LFC rules, someone had to win this game - no matter how poorly these teams could possibly play - there was going to be a victor. Sure enough, despite not even starting the required two RBs - the Pounders torched the scoreboard for 161.30pts and crushed team jacob - whose 96.24 would have been enough to win three other games this weekend - hope there's solace in that. The Pounders had four guys put up twenty-plus days - we're talking league dominating type effort here - are they for real? Where have they been? Considering who they're playing next week, the Pounders could be mid-pack going into week five and begin to make a serious run at a playoff seed in the coming weeks. Put down the soda, my friend - one week at a time, sweet cheeses.

0-3 jacob 96.24
(up next -> 3-0 SpecialEd)
1-2 Pound 161.30
(up next -> 1-2 Knights)
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1-1 little rupp @ 0-2 Golden Knights

Credit the NYJ WR Braylon Edwards and GB TE Jermichael Finley for the Golden Knights' first victory of the season. While the little rupps' featured a zen-like 40pt performance by the first overall pick of the LFC draft, MIN RB Adrian Peterson, there wasn't much else to get excited about for the rupps - whilst the Knights featured five players in double-digits. Not sure what to make of this golden turn-around ... next week's DaDogg/Knights game will establish which team's makeover is the real deal.

1-2 rupp 95.98
(up next -> 2-1 brooklyn)
1-2 Knights 120.18
(up next -> 1-2 Pound)

She's BAAAAAACK!

Well folks, after a long break, I've decided to come back to Being Suzanne Mosley. For my big return, you get the first installment of Andrew's Lewis Family Challenge newsletter. That's right, it's fantasy football time again, and this year's family league is bigger than ever. Before I give you the newsletter, here's a list of who each team belongs to. The newsletter won't make much sense if you don't know who The Commish is talking about.

Hamilton Haulers - Andrew (@HamiltonHaulers)
The middle Lewis son, my brother. 40-some years old. Generously hosts this extremely high-maintenance family's football league every year. Compassionate to a fault (or so says Ed).

Mosley Dolphins - Eric Mosley (@ericmoze)
My husband, who is also The Commish of his office's fantasy league. Excessively cute and wickedly smart. That's how he earned his way into this family to begin with.

Sauteed Mules - Suzanne (@shmoozanne74)
Me, dancer extraordinaire, Master of all I see.

RoopDogs - Amy (@lazymom05)
My sister, mother of Nathan, Victoria, Alex and Allyson (also Ashley, who isn't in the league), engaged to Ed. Supplies the amazing trailer park where we hold our draft every Labor Day. And by "supplies", I mean she lives there.

SpecialEd - Ed (@captmongo)
Engaged to my sister Amy, always engaged in lively heated but friendly football related spats with Andrew and EMo. Hater of compassion. This may be why I like him.

A Team Grown In Brooklyn - Bethany (@bethanyglewis)
My niece, ELew's 2nd daughter. Lives in NYC, works at Hearst Publishing, very hip, smart and sarcastic. This is her first year in the league. She joined specifically for the newsletters, so you know they must be good.

Keeping Five Alive - Bonnie (@bonita82)
Elew's oldest daughter, my oldest niece. Mother of 5 cute rugrats, surprisingly relaxed and funny. Turned out to be a major contender in last year's league! Who knew??

Golden Knights - Alex (? is he on twitter?)
Amy's younger son. Jack of all trades, master in his own mind. My son Zach's favorite cousin, "You know Mom, I like that one that works at Chili's..." Falsely accused of getting fired from his job for smelling bad. Sometimes flakes out on setting his lineup due to the pot liquor having way more important things to do. ALLEGEDLY!

Emmaus Smytherines - Jeff (@smythie86)
Brooke's husband. EMo's co-worker. Linux lover...if I were 5 I'd accuse him of wanting to marry Linux. Sounds like a wild animal when puking.

DaDogg Pound - Nathan (@NateRupp)
Amy's oldest son, following in her bartending footsteps in NYC. Provided the family with arguably the best story of all time. Wearer of natty outfits. Is looking up the meaning of the word "natty" right now.

No Punt Intended - Brooke (@schnookers715)
Bonnie and Bethany's younger sister. Married to Jeff. Has been called Mary Poppins on many occasions. Pretends to be nice to old men for pay. Could probably do more push ups than you.

Team Jacob - Victoria (@vrupple)
Amy's middle daughter. Has been known to hire male escorts for family functions. Is in the process of faking her way through college. Sings a mean version of Hallelujah. Is a self-taught hair braiding expert.

Middletown All Stars - Christopher (way too young for Twitter! ;)
Bonnie's oldest son, this is his first year in the league. As a baseball All-Star, he knows a bit about how to win games. We all need to look out for this underage GM.

Little Rupp - Allyson (way too high school for Twitter! ;)
Amy's youngest daughter, Victoria's sister. With her assets, you wonder why she doesn't do better in a fantasy league. Is trying to take over her brother's status as Zach's favorite Chili's cousin.

And there you have it. The list of the Lewis Family fantasy football teams. Now the newsletters might make a tad more sense. If you need clarification, just ask. Refer back to this post if needed for future newsletters.

Following is the first installment of the newsletter, the Week 1 Preview:
__________________________________________________________________


Thus ... we give you ... the brand spankin' new ... LFC 2010 Week 1 PREVIEW:

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LEWIS FAMILY CHALLENGE
GAME OF THE WEEK:

"Dolphins @ SpecialEd"
* Both of these teams feature the game's smartest general managers, proven winners that keep their franchises in championship form year in and year out. Except for 2009. The Dolphins and Special Ed both suffered uncharacteristic losing streaks to close out last season. The memory of those losses will still be fresh in their minds as they take the field this weekend. The Dolphins feature some of the game's most exciting offensive players, in Brady, Owens, Sims-Walker, Driver, Clark - but they're nursing camp dings and bruises ... Meanwhile Special Ed's starting lineup is primed and ready for the season to kickoff - Jackson, Forte, Knox, and Schaub will all feature prominently in this team's scoring. PREDICTION: SpecialEd by 12pts

GAMES TO KEEP AN EYE ON:

Haulers @ Sauteed Mules
* These two teams were at the top of the standings all season long and there is no reason to think we won't see more of the same in 2010. This is definitely a statement game for these two franchises - who will start off this new season with a resounding victory over a playoff contender?

Smytherines @ DaDogg Pound
* The Pounders were the league's checkout counter for wins/points last season as teams cued up for a chance at a free win and an opportunity to run up the scoreboard. "Those days are over," says our source from the DaDogg offices. If that's true, they got heck of a game to prove it - as they line up against one of last season's toughest teams, the Smytherines - recently moved from the Virginia mountains to the Pennsylvania foothills of the Lehigh Valley. The Pounders have placed their 2010 hopes on RB Chris Johnson (the league's #1 overall pick). You can bet they're praying the injury plinko disk doesn't land on him.

BEST OF THE REST:

roop dogs @ a team grows in brooklyn
* The BK horticulturists are one of the league's new franchises - and their first match is a tough one, a perennial playoff contender in the roop dogs. This will be a great test for the tree-huggers.

Keeping Five Alive @ Golden Knights
* GM of the Year, Bonnie Johnson, has assembled an impressive starting roster and kicks off her 2010 season against one of last season's floormats, the Golden Knights. The vortex that was the 2009 season put down not only the Pounders, but also the once mighty Knights. Its a new season and with their high draft picks, the Knights have a chance to prove last season was a fluke.

No Punt Intended @ team jacob
* "Its a cat fight!" - The feline hairballs will be flying in this matchup - between the trans-formative jacobites and the newly declawed Intenders. The jacobians are another one of the league's new franchises for 2010 and they've been served a nice manageable portion for their first venture into this realm we call "The Challenge".

All Stars @ littlerupp
* The AllStars are the last of our newest teams and they get a cakewalk for their first game in the league. The littlerupp is a franchise in disarray, although their management insists they've spent the off-season in team-building exercises, sensitivity focus re-entrenchment contiguous disciplines, and creative macrame. All with the goal of doubling their win total from last season.

Tough Love

This commercial adequately depicts what I and Melissa and my brother Eric and my mother and Bethany would be like if someone said to us "and that's why yellow makes me sad, I think". I am going to find a way to use the term "Jackwagon" every day from now on.

I Am Now An Untouchable

Well, that was a first. Last night, on my way home from rehearsal at NashDancenter in Randolph, NJ, I stopped for gas. After he pumped my gas (the law in NJ), Apu handed me my receipt and debit card and said "Thank you, good night". He walked over to another waiting car, and I started the truck and started driving off.

All of a sudden I hear, "ALLLALLALALLAAALLLLALAAA!!!!!!!!!". I stop, still in the parking lot of the gas station, and look behind me. I see the handle of the pump still in my gas tank, and the black rubber tubing dragging along the ground. Apu was running towards my truck with his arms spread looking for all the world like a Jihad suicide bomber preparing to meet Allah. (Bethany is dying right now...it's a joke, down girl!!! You know my song choice makes up for my politically incorrect jokes.)

Apu was very nice, he must have apologized 9 times while taking the pump out of my gas tank and screwing the gas cap back on.

Curse this pox that is upon my household....

Look Mom, Delaware!

When I saw this picture of my great-nephew Thomas, I wanted to blog about it. But Bethany, his aunt, beat me to it.

Cocktail Party, Attempt Deux

Today I am hosting the 2009 Mosley Christmas Cocktail Party. The original party was rescheduled due to a major snowstorm. In honor of the party, I give you some cocktail party memories from years past...

This is a fun one, from 2003. The homemade jug lamp. Bethany opened this white elephant, and it was a major hit. In fact, I believe someone stole it from her.

Ah, Solomon...no sous chef ever made prep work look so good.

Oh, the giant sized underwear. Richard, of course, had to model them.....

Eric got a little loopy this particular year......

My sister Amy, at home in front of her homemade bar area.

While in my mind this picture needs no explanation, I'm sure some will demand one...I was making fun of my niece Bethany, whose Facebook/MySpace photo albums proved that she was in her "When someone takes my picture, I will either be drinking, giving them the finger, dancing crazily, or touching people inappropriately, preferably all four" stage of life.

Someone who didn't understand the rules brought a brand new bottle of alcohol. That one got stolen many times...

Woot, the singing Bing Crosby! While Eric's dad opened this one, I believe the Tabassos took Bing home that year.

Ah, no cocktail party white elephant game is complete without a body part gift. In 2004, it was the boob mug.

Mark Rogers, showing initiative by offering to dispose of the trash on his first year at the party. THIS is how you get invited back!!

And lastly, Michael T. demonstrates the position that most Mosley cocktail party first-timers end up in. Poor guy...

Please Don't Leave Me For Her

I keep meaning to promote my niece Bethany's blog, and keep forgetting. Maybe it's because she's smarter and funnier than me and subconsciously I don't want the competition...

Bethepedia

The Commish Has An Announcement

EXPANSION 2010: BETHANY ANNOUNCES NEW TEAM!
... Longtime Lewis Family Member Announces Creation Of Philadelphia Challenge Expansion Team For 2010 ...
(FRI 11-27)

BETHANY GATES: "We are pleased to inform you that we've launched our plan for a new franchise for the 2010 season of the Philadelphia Challenge," said a BGL spokesperson at a pre-brunch press gathering. The franchise was long rumored to be in production and press leaks were becoming more frequent in the run-up to the annual Thanksgiving gatherings of GMs around the nation.
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Turkey Youth

On Wednesday night, while we were all cleaning the house in preparation for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday, Colson decided he wanted to make a turkey flag to hang in the dining room.



After drawing the turkey flag, he said he was going to write a pledge of allegiance to the turkey flag that we would all have to say before eating on Thanksgiving day. He wrote the pledge, and I put it in the dining room with the flag.


Before eating on Thursday, he called everyone to attention and made Andrew hold the turkey flag. Colson stood on a chair holding the pledge, while everyone gathered around the table. We were all about to recite the pledge when Colson looked at me with a funny look and whispered, "Mom, I need to talk to you for a second", and pulled me into the kitchen.

He then whispered, "Mom, is "butt" an inappropriate word? I think maybe it is...". I chuckled and said, "Well, it's just family here today, so it's fine, you can say it". He looked at me dubiously and said, "I think it's too inappropriate, so I'd like to cross it out and change it quickly".

He and I quickly changed the pledge to make it more "appropriate":


We all recited the pledge to the turkey flag, Dad prayed, and we all sat on our butts and stuffed ourselves.