Shows That I Love: New Girl

Shows that I love. We're starting with New Girl, obviously. The premise: a dorky teacher moves in with three single guys. Nick, a poor bartender. Winston, a small-time basketball star who played on a European team but since his return to the US is having a hard time finding work, and Schmidt, a womanizer with OCD. She quickly earns her way into their hearts with her lovably nerdy ways, and the four of them become best friends.

New episodes air on Fox on Tuesday nights, so normally my Wednesdays are ripe with emails, IM's, and Facebook wall posts from Melissa, Richard, Solomon and Mark R., that consists of random funny New Girl one-liners.

For instance, Melissa will email me and just say, "Why is she dressed like a woman's studies major?"  Or Mark R. will post on my Facebook wall, "I'm sorry, but that's how the electoral college works."  Or Solomon will IM me from work saying, "I'm going to have to reinstitute my ban on high-waisted shorts."

So to whet your appetites and tempt you to watch the whole season, here are some fun clips, and the lines from them that were left on my voicemail, worked into conversations, and mumbled during dance rehearsal arguments to lighten the mood (always works, by the way). Most of our favorite scenes are not available anywhere easily accessible on the INternet, so you'll have to watch on fox.com or OnDemand, or purchase the first season on amazon.com or iTunes. Or you can do what I do sometimes be a really evil selfish person and download free torrents.



"You want me to do a voice?"
"You look ravishing in your netting contraption.."


"Who washes a towel? The towel washes me!"


"I can taste my spine"


 "This is the saddest song....in the woooorrrld.."
 "cause the ice in the glass represents the tears from my eyes, dawg"


"I'm like a Dominican teenager playing Little League. It's just not fair for anyone else."
 "I'm feeling pretty twirly..."


"What if I had a croissant blog???"

 
"TWO MOONS HAVE PASSED!!"
 "Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?"


"The downstairs neighbor put a password on their wi-fi..."
"I thought he was going to try to sell us something."


"Bees are dying. Don't pretend to know my pain..."


"It's like you're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga."

We're Not Worthy

I've been watching Wilson Phillips: Still Holding On on the TV Guide Network. It's a big ol' bag of crazy and I LOVE IT. Wendy Wilson is fairly normal, but Chynna and Carnie are absolutely cuckoo!!!! 

In episode three, Carnie is recovering from her 23rd stomach stapling/lap band surgery. Chynna feels like Carnie is exaggerating her pain, so she decides to move in and help Carnie get up and around. Chynna makes her vegetable juice, has Carnie repeat affirmations all day, and does breathing exercises with her. 

At one point, Chynna puts her finger over Carnie's left nostril and the following exchange occurs:

Chynna: (in a very serious and breathy yoga voice) Breathe in deeply through that nostril.

Carnie: I can't, my sinuses are clogged.

Chynna: When your sinuses are clogged, it just means you're afraid to breathe. That somewhere deep inside you're afraid of breath; that you don't feel like you're worthy of breath.

Bigotry Is Born When We Add Modifiers

"Or as I like to call it, Friday...."

Pianist

The New Girl, on Fox. I love it. This scene where one of her roommates is trying to get Jess to say the word penis made me laugh out loud more than once. She had accidentally seen him naked and wanted him to have a mature conversation about it.

And The Emmy Goes To....

Came across the show "In the Bedroom" with Laura Berman on the OWN network. Laura Berman is one of Oprah's protegees, and she is a sexual/relationship therapist. She works with couples who have trouble in the bedroom. A husband having issues with premature ejaculation, a woman having trouble climaxing, etc, etc, etc.

Hey, here's a good idea! Talk about your sexual dysfunction on a national television show! That will solve it! Your husband will feel SO much better about himself once the world knows that he can't get it up that he'll be able to go all night! Your wife won't care that 20 million people know about her body image issues that made her frigid in bed, don't be crazy!!

I don't get it....But I'd really love to talk Eric into making up some issues and going on the show with me. The "homework" she gives the couples is so funny. Doing yoga while looking deeply into each other's eyes. Breathing slowly together while holding hands and closing your eyes. Eric and I doing that homework would win us an Emmy for best comedy special.

(love when she sits a couple down and says "Let's get to the bottom of this erectile dysfunction!"....Personally, I'd rather get to the top of erectile dysfunction.)

:)

Quote Of The Day

(say the following in a cockney accent in your head, sounds even better)

Sometimes in life you meet people who inspire you, sometimes in life you meet people YOU want to inspire, and sometimes you just want to fuckin' stab yourself. - Jamie Oliver

Don't miss Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution on abc. Best show on television. Find season 1 online and watch it as well.

Who Wants To Marry A Polygamist?

I reaaaaaally want a television producer to come up with a Bachelor/Sister Wives mashup. Instead of giving out "the final rose", the Bachelor would give out "the final roses". The bachelorettes would compete to see which ones could get along with each other the best. They'd have hair braiding challenges. Contests to see who could dress most modestly.

Then at the end, when the Bachelor chose all of his sister wives, they'd all be sealed on television.

I would watch that show all day long.

The New Billy Mays

As I've mentioned before, my Zachary always has his eye out for the latest and greatest tools to improve efficiency. He informed me of the Instyler and the Kangaroo Keeper, and last night as I was cutting a pan of brownies he says, "Mom, don't you know there's a better way to cut those? I saw it on TV. It's this thing that cuts them all at once, and then you can, like, pull the bottom out!"

Perfect Brownie Bake Pan

The Big C

If you haven't seen "The Big C" on Showtime, I highly recommend that you rethink that decision. Laura Linney plays a middle aged wife and mother who finds out she has Stage 4 cancer. She chooses not to tell anyone, but begins to live her life very differently. She kicks her lazy husband out of the house and starts making up for lost time with her son.

She gets tired of her son not flushing the toilet, so one night she grabs him by the shirt and slams him against the wall and says:

Someday I am going to be dead, and as a courtesy to the world I don't want to leave them the guy who doesn't know how to get his shit to flush. And let me be clear, your dad isn't living here because I only wanted to raise one kid and I chose you. And from now on, I'm going to raise you so hard your head's going to spin.

She then hands him a plunger, throws him into the bathroom with a toilet full of chili, and locks him in.

How bad can a show be that starts off that way??

Assistant TO The Regional Manager

My favorite line from last week's episode of "The Office":

Backstory: the secretary is inviting everyone in the office to her boyfriend's house for a Glee watching party. Angela walks over to Dwight Schrute and asks, "Are you going to the Glee party?". He replies with disgust:

Ugh, of all the feelings to base a show around.(snidely)...Glee.......

...Thirst...now that's a show I'd watch.

*smile*

Slightly More Gleeful

Finally, I laughed out loud at Glee this week. Last week's episode provided a glimmer of hope when they showcased Heather Morris, who is in my opinion probably the most talented of the bunch. Her dancing is amazing, and her portrayal of her character's particularities is genius. She proved that the real Britney is replaceable, as are all of those semi-talented pretty pop stars.

Any episode that eliminates Lea Michele is a good episode, as her affects make me want to slice my skull open with a chainsaw and scrub my memory clean with a Brillo pad. So this week's episode had that going for it. Even though Lea Michele destroyed the most heart-wrenching Barbara song that ever existed, she wasn't on camera as much. If they killed her character off, the show might have more to offer....

As we all know, Jane Lynch saves the show. And in this week's episode, when Sue and Will were arguing over whether students should be allowed to express their faith in public school and Sue said, "If your students want to express their faith they can enroll at Sweet Holy Mother Of God Academy on I Love Jesus Street", I did laugh out loud.

Ninja Dreams

My kids' favorite new show, Ninja Warrior. You can watch it on G4tv channel. It's a Japanese obstacle course challenge, and these contestants train hardcore for their chance to beat the courses and become Ninja Warriors.

My Studio, Studio

This was one of the funniest auditions so far this year on America's Got Talent. The contestant's name alone had me rolling on the floor in tears.

Baby I Got It

Another commercial that makes me laugh out loud. The first time I saw it I was so shocked to see Aretha Franklin in a car with 3 pothead dweebs that my introverted, never show a reaction in front of anyone self said out loud, "Whoa, why is Aretha in a car with 3 pothead dweebs??". Any commercial that can do that deserves respect.

If You Don't Behave I'll Trade You In For A Plastic Cup

Eric watched his first episode of A&E's Hoarders with me the other day. He was absolutely horrified. If you've never seen the show, you've got to watch at least one episode. It will blow your mind. You know, lots of people go through a "messy" stage in their life, I certainly had a long one (my husband would say I'm still in it, but he has no idea...). Depression can certainly cause someone to stop cleaning for awhile. And some people can live with more clutter than others, but these hoarders go above and beyond anything you've ever seen.

We watched an episode where a couple had lost their two young children because of the woman's hoarding. A neighbor had taken pictures of the interior of the house, and CPS came and removed the children, placing them in the grandparents' home until the house was cleaned. When the "hoarding interventionist" and the cleaning crew came to help this woman, it was unreal how difficult it was for her to throw things away. She freaked out when some of the cleaning crew threw some bags of trash away into the dumpster without her approval, and jumped into the back of the truck and started digging through the bags. She pulled out a used plastic slurpee cup, and held it in her hands as if it were the family jewels, trying to decide if she could part with it. After all, she "might need it in the future".



Eric was yelling at the screen at this point. "Look lady, do you want an old plastic cup, or YOUR DAUGHTER?? How is this hard???" Meanwhile I just wanted to jump through the screen and punch this woman in the face. Yes, I realize that hoarding is a mental disorder. But when someone is trying to decide between an old popsicle stick and their child, it's a little maddening...

(And oh yes, she ended up choosing the slurpee cup. She just couldn't throw it away. It went into the KEEP pile.)


After the show was over, Eric said, "I get upset when I see a little ink on the couch...can you imagine if I lived with a hoarder? Instead of yelling "Why is there ink on the couch!!!!!",I'd be yelling, "Why is there an old tractor trailer on the couch!!!??""

In the future, when he yells about ink on the couch, I'm going to remind Eric that slurpee cups don't ever draw on furniture. These hoarders might be on to something....

MST3000

My brother Andrew sent me a link to a bunch of old MST3000 episodes on YouTube. Remember Mystery Science Theater 3000? Such a great show...A guy and two robots sit in a theater watching old sci-fi flicks, making sarcastic comments about what's going on. I think Andrew and I gravitated towards the show because, well, it was a show about what we did (d0) in real life.

Here they are.

Don't Be Tardy For The Party!

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta are back. You know you love 'em...Nene...Sheree...Kim. Those nutbags are always good for a huge laugh. (They could totally hold their own in an insult match with Henry Louis Gates, Jr, too.)

In case you missed the season 2 premiere, here it is.