Tuesday, June 10, 2014

My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 16

My family's lack of anger at my abuser will be one of the great mysteries of my life. 

The grip of guilt and shame is so unbelievably strong. People are so busy trying to stay one step ahead of the guilt that's chasing them. They never realize if they just stopped and let the guilt catch them and overwhelm them for a moment, they could stop running from it forever. 

(originally posted February 13, 2012)

Do you know what really irritates me? Besides less than 13 ice cubes in my glass of Diet Pepsi, here's what irritates me to no end:

I've accepted that there are those in my family who still can't be angry at my sister's ex-husband for molesting me. While as a child that fact made me think those people didn't love me, as an adult I realize it's because those people either have personal issues that prevent them from experiencing normal emotions or have guilty consciences because they imagine my abuser holds something over them. 

Either way it's shitty, but it is what it is. I can accept that people who were supposed to love me and protect me as a 14 year old cared more about themselves than about me. I can accept that people feel the same way about the 38 year old me. I realize it's a reflection of THEM, not of me.

But here's what I have a harder time with. My ex-brother-in-law didn't just fuck with ME. He fucked with my entire family, INCLUDING HIS OWN KIDS. My abuser made it next to impossible for his kids to have complete relationships with their family. Before his kids knew the truth, there was always this huge secret between them and the rest of us. Now that the secret is out, the pain and hurt is between them and the rest of us. 

Their father caused that. He couldn't have cared less about his kids. For two years, when he was literally jacking off on me, he was figuratively jacking off on his kids. He didn't give his kids A SECOND THOUGHT all those nights. Even when he was molesting me in the same room his kids were sleeping in, that didn't trigger any thought to stop his sick behavior. At the same time he was trying to ruin my life, he was ruining theirs, caring about none of us. My opinion? Sociopathic.

Back in those days, my nieces and nephews were my whole life. My oldest brother Eric's kids and my sister's kids, they were everything. Other young teenage girls may have been going to movies with friends or thinking about boys or shopping for new clothes, but all I wanted to do was hang out with those kids. I babysat them whenever I could, Melissa and I played with them as much as we could. They were the best things in my life.

I remember around this time, my sister's middle son was very young, still a baby. I was head over heels for that kid, all I wanted to do was make him laugh. His laugh made everything better for me. I'd lay him in my lap and tickle him until I was afraid he'd throw up, just so I could hear that giggle. 

When my sister's ex-husband would creep away after finishing his business with me at night, I'd lay there and try not to cry. It never worked. I always ended up with hot tears drenching the pillowcase, but while I cried I'd say over and over to myself, "You CAN'T tell anyone about this, because Amy will divorce her husband and those kids will grow up in a broken home and that will be YOUR FAULT. So never tell never tell never tell never tell..." until I fell asleep.

Of course, what I was afraid would happen if I told didn't happen, so I shouldn't have worried, but that's besides the point.

For the rest of my life, it's been hard to get very close to my sister's kids. It's been hard for others in my family to get very close to them. There is so much sorrow and secrecy and guilt and pain between us. And that is so unfair, because it's not their fault. They did nothing but be the sweetest kids I ever knew. 

And I know they've felt it. They've felt the strangeness surrounding their family. At least now they can put a name to it. And right now they might be mad at me for naming it, but just remember I wouldn't have HAD to name it if it had never been done in the first place. 

It makes me so angry that some people in my family can't get angry at my abuser. Really??!?! Fine, you can't get angry at my ex-brother-in-law for molesting me; for some reason I was that kid that nobody really liked, but the nieces and nephews??!? You can't get angry at him for screwing with their relationships with us? I'M ANGRY ABOUT THAT! Almost as angry as I am about his screwing up my relationship with myself. 

I hate him for doing that to my nieces and nephews. If you can't be angry at him for doing that, I don't know that I want to know you.


Sunshine, Feb 13 11:23am: I think this would be a good indicator of repentance. Had the man shown candor and acknowldgement of guilt towards his children, we could have assumed that he understood the gravity of his crimes. That he continues to belittle what happened shows that he is capable of repeating it. Also, if people really did love your ex-brother-in-law, his children included, they would be more interested in getting him help. Fear keeps us quiet, but caring about people forces us to say something. Something like "Get some therapy you sick f*ck!" I love my father very much, which is why it's important for me to challenge him when I disagree with his behavior. And my father has never molested a child.

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