How I Say I Love You

I woke up at 4am the other day and realized that if Eric were to die, I would still want to have another baby at some point. And not just any baby, but a baby with him. Even if I were to marry again, I would only want to have Eric's children. I adore the way our DNA mixes, and I would want for my children to have more full siblings if at all possible.

It took me a long time to find his double helix, and I'm not going to take any chances....Lord knows there's a lot of bargain brand DNA out there, and that's one place where I refuse to skimp.

So I woke him up and told him that we need to freeze his sperm, in case of his death.

He looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted a third eye.

Now in my mind, I had just made a huge declaration of love and loyalty. I might as well have just said to him "My darling, I will love you until eternity passes away. Our love is like an eternal flame, the likes of which has never been seen".

For some reason, he didn't hear it that way.

I think what he heard was "I've decided to become a vegan, tightrope-walking, Buddhist practicing nudist , and I'd like you to join me".

At any rate, he got too caught up in wondering about the science behind freezing sperm to give me a response, and then we fell back to sleep....

Willy Nilly Silly Old Bear

If I hear one more celebrity talk about the dying polar bears, I'm going to scream. They're not even talking about global warming at this point, they're talking specifically about the dying polar bears. (I mean, if they really believe the earth is heating up so fast, why bother with the polar bears? That's like the proverbial thimble on the Titanic.)

Here's my take on the polar bear crisis:

If you believe in the theory of evolution, why isn't polar bears dying out part of that evolving? Evolution hasn't just stopped, right? Maybe the polar bears are supposed to die, so that a certain species of fish can flourish, and by flourishing, will eventually evolve into some new amazing half fish/half land mammal creature?

If you were alive when the dinosaurs started facing extinction, would you have tried to save them? Would we have seen celebrities on TV asking everyone to donate money to save the poor dinosaurs? Noooo, we're very happy about the possible climate change that brought the extinction of the dinosaurs.

What is the big deal about polar bears anyway? If they were to all die out, how would your life be different?

How often do you sit around and say "Man, I miss those dodo birds...". "Life sure hasn't been the same since the Falkland Islands Wolf...".

How many psychiatrists do you think get patients who say "Doc, I just can't sleep knowing that there are no more Japanese Sea Lions! I can't take it anymore!"

Why are people in such a tizzy over losing the polar bear? Is it Coke's fault? Is it just because polar bears are more well-known animals? Is it because they're cute and furry? Or is it because Americans are easily swayed by people like Al Gore?

Do you even know how many species of animals are on this planet??? We can afford to lose a few.


In the words of the naturalist, It's the circle of life, people..................

My Dance Card Is Full....of Venn Diagrams

As an INTJ, I am a scientist. I live to know the "why" of things.

A good example of this can be found in my dancing. I am a competitive couples dancer, and have been for about 13 years now.

When I dance, I am not happy with just being able to execute a move. I don't feel like I truly can dance until I understand WHY the moves work. If I don't feel like I can give a 30 minute lecture on the body mechanics of that particular move, I feel like a phony. Only when I fully understand what is going on, can I let go and express myself. For me, expression requires understanding.

Which probably makes me quite different from most of the dancers out there, who tend to be the SP types. They, like Nike, JUST DO IT! Who cares why? My dance partner is an ISTP. He puts up with my scientific approach to a certain point, and then he says "Yeah, at some point, you have to stop talking and JUST DANCE."

Pronunciation Pontifications, Part Tres

This one makes me wild...

Contractions. They are two words put together, where an apostrophe represents letters that have been removed from the second word.

Should've = Should HAVE
Could've = Could HAVE
Would've = Would HAVE

NOT:
Should of
Could of
Would of

Again, if you just hear someone pronounce "should've", you might think they are saying should OF. If you then say "should of", most likely no one will know that you are saying the wrong word. They'll think you're using the contraction "should've". But when you go to write "should of", your jig is up.

Have you ever seen the word written as "should'f"????



Oh that's right....you don't read.

Owners Of Pine Trees, Beware

Eric was playing football with the boys in the front yard on Sunday afternoon. I was up in my bedroom, and I opened the window that faces the front yard to watch them. Now, that window has a tree in front of it. When I looked out through the tree branches, I saw the most horrifying thing.

I guess I've never seen pinecones growing. It could be the freakiest thing ever. The tree was covered with them, and they were standing straight up, with sap trickling down the sides. They looked like some sort of alien life-growing pods. I started getting all of these X-Files visions in my head.

And so many of them, standing at attention...waiting for their master to send them some sort of alien signal to hatch.


Then the Roombas will burst out of the pods and lay siege upon my house

Funnier Than The Pink Cat

Ava drew the funniest characters at school on Thursday. Not for anything in particular, just doodling. The guy's chest muscles cracked me up, along with his sleepy bedroom eyes.

Her artwork reminds me of her Uncle Andrew's......

New Kid On The Block

Me: Zachary, should we have another baby, so you can be a big brother?

Zach: Sure!

Me: How will I get another baby?

Zach: Go make yourself one with Cole's legos.

An Ode To Teddy

There once was a dog named Teddy
who was scared to eat, so instead, he
took food from your hand
as long as you didn't stand,
but not 'til he was good and ready.

He ate dogs from a china plate,

loved sneaking out of the gate.
baby blankets he'd hump,
at the answering machine he'd grump,
for post-poop butt wiping he'd wait.

Chasing tennis balls made him so frantic,
If they got stuck in a corner he'd panic.
When a stranger he'd see,
a pit bull he would be,
which was such a ridiculous antic.


He needed a stepstool to climb
into my parents' bed, past his prime.
He slept like a rock,
never chewed on your socks
And was always to the groomer on time.



Now his time here is over.
He's sleeping under the clover.
We shall never forget
my Mom's spoiled pet,
The dog whose name wasn't Rover.

Night Of The Living Dead

I am nothing without blush and eyebrow darkener.

If you were to speak with me before I put on blush and darkened my brows, you would think you were the little boy from The Sixth Sense.

I knew about the blush, but when Melissa told me, about 4 years ago, that I should NEVER leave my house without darkening my eyebrows, she wasn't lying. You should all thank her. She paid her debt to society that day.

More Pronunciation Pontifications

Folks, it's "for all INTENTS AND PURPOSES"....not "for all intensive purposes".

This is what happens when people don't read, and only repeat what they hear other people say. If you had ever SEEN "for all intents and purposes" written, you would never read it as "for all intensive purposes". But when you hear so-and-so say the phrase in his sloppy English, and then repeat it the way you heard it, you're showing your tail, as my mother would say.

Don't be parrots, and never listen to So And So. He's an idiot.

The Ran Is Goon!

(Story and illustration by Colson Mosley)

I'd Like To Use My Phone-A-Friend

I have three children, one NF (intuitive feeling), and two NT's (intuitive thinking). I, as you know, am also an NT.

Because of these temperament combos, a funny thing happens...My two NT's, Ava and Zachary, have no issues with me having the right answers. When I give Ava or Zach an answer that they prove to be "right", they are genuinely happy and grateful, and I usually get a "Oh wow, thanks Mom!". They just enjoy having the right answer, and the fact that someone else came up with it has no effect on their self-worth.

On the other hand Colson, my NF (ENFP, just like EMo), has such a hard time when I am right. When a situation with Colson arises that proves that I had the right answer, he doesn't want me to say ANYTHING about it, he doesn't want to acknowledge it, he has to huff and puff and furrow his brows....and then he tries to quickly come up with some explanation as to why I was right and he was wrong.

It's so funny....it makes me laugh every time it happens...



Of course, it's not so funny when it's Eric huffing and puffing at me....!! ;o)

Spontaneous Order

I love this recent episode of 20/20.

There's a great moment when Stossel tries to make legislators fill out their own forms...


Interesting fact about Stossel:
John Stossel was born in Chicago Heights, Illinois, the second of two boys and graduated from New Trier High School in Winnetka, Illinois. He overcame a stuttering problem so he could become a reporter, and is now a supporter and advocate for The Stuttering Foundation.


Maybe that's why I feel like we're kindred spirits????

Check Expedia.com For A Great Deal On This One

Sometimes one of my siblings will say something that reminds me I was born into the right family, and this is where I belong...


Eric Lewis: I just LOVE Google Earth...I could vacation in it.

Vote For Your Favorite

I'm having analysis paralysis....Ava is entering an art contest, and I can't decide which of her pictures to enter. So vote for your favorite. Deadline is 5pm on October 20th.
#1 Ava at the beach
#2 A Cat
#3 Portrait of Sarah eating ice cream
#4 2 kids scared of a bear
#5 Girl walking a dog

Explore the Book, Ezra/Nehemiah/Esther

Ezra, Nehemiah, Esther from Explore The Book with Bob Lewis.

Good News?

For the love of Joseph and all the saints....

Cole brought home a flyer yesterday, from school. Public school. It was advertising the "Good News Club", sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship, which is held after school, once a week, for a month.

Let me tell you why this burns my britches. Last year, when I requested that Cole be tested for giftedness, I was treated as if I were an alien from Uranus who was requesting a platter of kidneys from healthy teenaged girls. I had to push and push and push to get them to agree to test Cole. And all the while they tested him, they kept telling me how, even if he tested as gifted, there was NOTHING THEY COULD DO for him.

And yet they'll host a Good News Club??? Certainly that is more controversial than a gifted program for kindergartners....

Who knew that there would come a day when asking for your public school to teach your child about Jesus would get you more results than asking for your public school to give your child more advanced academic work...

I've got the Good News covered. Please spend your time figuring out how to teach actual academics to my son.

Ming-Ming For President!

From a conversation with Melissa...

Friend says: I just can't wrap my brain around how the Republican party can be against killing babies, but FOR killing animals!

Melissa says: Um, but you CAN wrap your brain around how your party can be against killing animals, but FOR killing babies??? If you have to pick one group to "save", you're going to pick animals???



For the love of Beyonce Knowles....it's like people want America to be run by the Wonder Pets.

I Love You, Man........

I know that people reading through my posts must think that I hate people. This is not true. People deplete me. People can irritate me. But I don't hate people.

People are great. People are interesting. I love figuring people out. I love finding out what people have to offer me, and what I have to offer people. I love figuring out how to make relationships work with people.

The purpose of this blog is purely for gathering information. I would like for people who know me to know what goes on in my mind.

My temperament allows me to think about myself, and others, objectively. I can find certain things about you highly irritating, and still realize that you have something valuable to bring to the table. There are very few people in the world, to me, whose negative side of the scale is higher than the positive side.

I do tend to focus more on the negative sides of people, especially strangers, because my temperament leans that way (my J function). Also, because the negative side of people is usually much more entertaining than the positive side..........!!!!!!!!!!

So lest everyone be led astray, remember. I love people.



They're delicious.....


;o)

Pronunciation Pontifications

I cannot stand it when people pronounce the word "already" as "ardy"....

The girl at the McDonalds drive through window, "I ardy rang it in".

Overheard at Walmart, "Did you ardy pick it up?".

Girl yelling at her mother, "I ardy know that, you don't have to tell me again!".



People, there is an "L" in the word; it's not French, the L is not silent. And it has three syllables. Please pronounce them all. I can't take it much longer...

Let Me Hear Your Body Talk

Eric: I'm feeling a little bit better today, but not 100%...maybe 60%. Do you think I should go in to work? I can't decide.

Me: (giving my standard I'm not really listening answer...) Sure, just don't exert yourself while you're there.

Eric: Um, I don't know what it is you think I do at work...Do you think I'm doing the Riverdance while I'm coding? "Woohoo! It compiled! I will now become the Lord of the Dance!" (at this point, he did a little jig that I will forever regret not getting on video) Do you think we're like "Hey Bob! Race you to the conference room!" Yeah, I pretty much sit on my ass all day anyway...


He's funny....

Future PETA President?

Storytime at the library, librarian was reading stories about bats.

Librarian: "Who knows some other animals that only come out at night?"

Kid #1: "Owls!"

Kid #2: "Lightning bugs!"

Kid #3: "Skunks!"

Kid #4: "Deer!"

Kid #5: "Oh yeah, deer! And my dad gets his big gun and goes out and shoots the deer and brings them home dead!!"



I love Kid #5.................

Master Bakers

Extreme displays of emotion in public are the same as masturbating in public.

Both acts are self-indulgent, and both acts belong behind closed doors.

Here are some examples: speaking in tongues and falling to the ground in church. (Maybe you are having an extreme emotional moment, but even if so, it doesn't belong in public.) Lashing out at your significant other in a restaurant, calling him or her evil names and gnashing your teeth. Screaming bloody murder at your dumb kid in a public playground over some random mishap. Rambling on and on to the closest warm body, in a fit of anger over how the world has done you wrong.

All of these types of public emotional outbursts are extremely self-indulgent. They make you feel good. They are impulsive. They are you rolling around in a mud pit of your emotions. They are masturbation.

You wouldn't pull your pants down and physically masturbate at McDonalds. At least most of you wouldn't. (Who knows what sort of internet freaks read this blog...). So why would you emotionally masturbate in front of people?

Now I realize that my emotions are the equivalent of a frigid virgin spinster wearing a chastity belt. I know that I need to raise my emotional skirts a little bit, show a little bit more emotional ankle....I know that I have to give my emotions a stiff shot once in a while, and encourage them to get up on a table do a little flirtatious dance.

But if I have to do all that, you extroverts need to at least stop emotionally jerking off in public, for the love of Beyonce Knowles.

So next time you extroverts are about to plop a load of emotions on the floor in public, stop and think about the impression you're giving me. Then pull your pants back up, and put your hands on the table where I can see them. At that point your emotions can do something a little more appropriate, like hold my hand or give me a little kiss on the cheek.

Keep your emotions in your pants, folks, where they belong.

Them Bones, Them Bones, Them Dry Bones

"If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance."

- George Bernard Shaw


Thanks to my mother for that one. I adore it.....

Nightmare On Ridge Way

I was yelling at Zachary for something the other day, right before his nap.

He got into bed and I tucked him in, still acting highly irritated at him.

As I walked out, he said in his pretending-to-be-sad-so-that-it-pushes-your-sympathy-button voice..."Mom, I will go to sleep, and when I sleep I will have a dream about you not being mad at me anymore..."

Surgery For Dummies

I have always been inclined to take care of personal medical issues on my own.

I used to think that it was because I didn't have medical insurance. Now that I have medical insurance, I realize it must just be a personality thing.

I once had an ingrown toenail for 4 months, when I lived in Nashville. It had gotten so infected, it would bleed like crazy if anyone or anything got within 6 inches of it. I had halfheartedly tried to find the offending piece of nail, off and on over the 4 months, without any luck.

One night I decided, after bleeding all over a local club's dance floor, that it was time to get down to business and perform surgery. I drove to a drug store, and bought every tool I could find that looked useful. I got a good pair of tweezers, one of those nail scissors that have the long pointy tips, and some of those wooden cuticle pusher-backers with the slanty end. (I'm selling Do-It-Yourself Ingrown Toenail Kits for $29.99)

I went into my bathroom and laid out my tools. I started out by putting a washcloth into my mouth, because from my previous attempts, I knew I was in for some extreme pain. I sat on the toilet lid, and went to town. I knew I had no choice but to find the nail. It took me a good 20 minutes to find it. I came close to passing out at one point. I just kept pulling the skin back with the tweezers, and using the pointy tip scissors to dig around in there.

When I finally pulled out the piece of nail, the relief was IMMEDIATE. I almost cried with joy, and I felt such personal triumph.

When I lived in DC, I decided one night that it was time to do something about the growth on the inside of my lower lip. It had gotten bigger over the previous few years, and it was getting bothersome, as I'd bite it sometimes when I was eating, and it would bleed.

I knew that as long as I didn't cut into my actual lip, I'd be fine. And I also knew it would bleed a lot, being that it was in my mouth. I thought toenail clippers would be a good option, as they would be big enough to get around the growth, and I could just squeeze and cut it off in one fell swoop. So I sterilized my toenail clippers with a match.

I tried to numb my lip first, with ice cubes. Then I took a deep breath and used the clippers to squeeze off a big piece.

When I say that it bled for 2 hours, I'm not exaggerating. And that is with a dishtowel pressed hard against it non-stop. The pain of actually cutting it off was minute, but the throbbing pain over the next week was a bit annoying. Ibuprofen helped.

Now that I'm one of the insured, I do go to the doctor a little more frequently. But I still have the urge to just do things myself.

Not long after we were married, Eric came home to find me with duct tape wrapped around my foot. I had cut my foot, and we were out of bandaids. Paper towels and duct tape worked just fine.

I think he started having second thoughts that day.............

A Blog Post About Nothing

Get a bunch of Lewises together and random hilarity ensues...some of my favorite moments from this past Saturday's wedding dress shopping event:

Mom: "Grampa was having a hard time yesterday, he was trying to come up with a way to connect two thoughts properly, and couldn't think of anything"
Bonnie: "Wait, thoughts are supposed to go together???"



Joe, who was lost on his way to the restaurant, on the phone with Bonnie:
"I don't think it would be appropriate for me to kill your sister, and then break bread with you. It just doesn't seem right"



Me: "This Dutch potato soup has no flavor, it's very plain"
Bonnie: "That's what makes it Dutch!"
Me: "That's true...first it's salt and pepper, next thing you know it's sex, drugs and rock and roll"



Mom: "How's Jamie dealing with his poison ivy?"
Bonnie: "He says he'd rather be a parapalegic than have poison ivy."



Bonnie: "I love it when people get lost with my children....."



Bethany: "My butt is on the New York Times Bestseller list"
Me: "As it should be..."



Bethany and I singing La Cucaracha and doing the Mexican Hat Dance everytime Brooke came out in a quinceanera dress....

My Carnivore

There is a house around the corner from us, on Wasser Road, where East Greenville's version of the Clampetts live. Driving past, you always have to wait for a plethora of chickens, or geese, or an occasional peacock to pass by. The other day, the kids noticed the chickens as we passed by...


Colson: "Awww, look at all those cute chickens crossing the road!!"

Ava: "You mean YUMMY chickens!"

The Huddled Masses Yearning To Breathe Free

The holiday was the 4th of July, 3 years ago (I think). My mother had offered to host the family party at her new house, which a majority of the family hadn't seen yet. She usually doesn't host the parties anymore, since the group is so big, but for some reason I couldn't do it, and she decided to take it on.

If you know my mother, you know that hoopla isn't her thing. Her home is meticulously decorated, as is she, and she can get a bit on edge if the meticulousness is threatened. My mother is known for keeping her cool, but there are a few recipes for disaster, and the following story contains one of them.

We all started arriving at her house, in dribs and drabs. The day was very muggy; a thunderstorm was brewing, so it was extremely humid. She was in the kitchen cooking (baked beans, I think), while wearing the perfect hostess outfit. A large crowd was gathered in and around the kitchen, chatting with her. Some of the nieces and nephews had brought boyfriends/girlfriends, so there were a few newcomers to the group. Again, if you know my mother, you know she was in her glory. Wearing a cute outfit, in her cute house, cooking some cute baked beans, with an audience to entertain.

My oldest niece Bonnie was there, with her husband and her 3 boys. Eric, (ELew, my oldest brother, not to be confused with EMo, my husband), had taken the kids outside.

Now, let me take a moment to describe a subset of ELew's personality, for those of you who don't know him well....ELew enjoys stirring a pot. It's a hobby. But the way he stirs a pot can be very subtle. All of a sudden the pot has been stirred, everything in it flailing around, and he will be standing quietly in a corner, twirling the end of his moustache between his thumb and forefinger and chuckling.

So when he was outside with the kids, he came upon a rabbit hole in the ground. One of Bonnie's boys, Thomas, reached his hand in and pulled out a baby rabbit. He was so excited, and ELew encouraged him to take it upstairs to show Gramma.

Thomas carried the baby bunny upstairs into the kitchen, where Mom was holding court. Thomas walks through the crowd of people, and over to the stove where Mom was standing. He holds out his hands and opens them..."Look Gramma!".

.........Did I mention that my mother has a miniature poodle? A poodle who is very protective of her? A poodle who growls at my Dad when he hugs Mom? (Although, in my opinion, a dog who gets his ass wiped with a tissue when he comes in from taking a dump has no right to be growling at anybody for any reason...).

Anyway, Teddy decided that this helpless baby bunny was probably going to attack my mother. So he came charging into the kitchen, grabbed that rabbit out of Thomas's hands, and started shaking it violently in his mouth.

Baby bunny blood went spewing everywhere. Thomas started screaming. The entire audience of people was shrieking with laughter.

At this point, everyone present that day saw a most unusual sight. It was like seeing the Abominable Snowman, or Bigfoot. We all saw Jan Lewis lose her cool. I will explain it to you, so that if you ever get the chance to see it, you'll recognize it early enough to grab your camera.

First, she quietly retreated to her bedroom. At which point a deadly hush descended over the partygoers. We all just stood around looking at each other, wondering who was going to make the first move. Slowly everyone started going about their business, someone took over the beans, someone else started cleaning up the baby bunny blood, and everyone started talking again in whispers.....

"....do you think she's freaking out in there?" ".....should someone go in there?....." ".....I'm not going in there, somebody else needs to do it" ".......Send Jamie (Bonnie's then-new-husband), he's new, make him do it!!" ".....send Andrew, no one ever gets mad at Andrew!!" ".....man, Teddy really went to town on that bunny didn't he!!!!?!" "............who knew baby bunnies had so much blood?" "...........do you think she's ever going to come out?"

Meanwhile, Ava was having Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and had retreated to a corner of the upstairs office, sitting on the floor with her face to the wall. Thomas, her ever faithful comrade, was sitting next to her, patiently waiting it out.

Finally, about 30 minutes later, Mom's bedroom door opened. Everyone froze in their spots, afraid to look. We all just looked at each other with dumb smiles on our faces, pretending to be continuing our casual conversations, all the while checking to see if Mom was holding a gun.

This is the part of the story where every woman needs to sit up and pay close attention. If you want to know how to wreak revenge in a classy manner, take note:

Mom walked out of her bedroom door, and very calmly started walking around the house opening windows. We were all thinking "oh no, she's lost her mind". After she finished opening all the windows, she went back to her bedroom. On the way to her bedroom, she passed by the thermostat...................

Remember when I mentioned how unbearably muggy it was that day?

Well, as she passed the thermostat, she very casually reached over and flipped the air conditioning to OFF.


For the next 2 hours, the house was a tropical rain forest. Comments like "she's trying to smoke us out!!!" and "Gramma wants to kill us all!" were heard.

Finally, Amy and I realized that it was up to us to go in to Mom's room. Everyone else was scared shitless.

We went and knocked on her door, and walked in.

There she was, lounging on her bed in a lovely floral dressing gown, toy poodle curled up by her side, with a stack of fashion magazines.....windows all closed, and the ceiling fan on high. Her room was as cool as an arctic breeze. She looked up from her magazine and said "Hey, how's it going out there?", as if she hadn't a care in the world, and didn't notice that Amy's and my mascara was running down our cheeks and our blouses were stuck to our chests.


The moral of this story? Don't try to mess with a Southern Belle when she's entertaining. She'll get you back, and the horse you rode in on, and you won't even know you been gotten.......

I Am A Muse(d)

Zach's first non-scribble picture...


Zach: "Mom! This is you with a big fat head!"

Habla Espanol?

Would someone please explain this to me?

Studies show that the sooner you start learning a second language, the better. Very young children pick up a new language with great ease. This is something that is widely known and agreed upon.

And yet American public schools do not start offering a foreign language until middle school or later.

Make sense to you?

The Language Of Love

Eric didn't watch Mad Men on Sunday night when I was gone, so that we could watch it together On Demand when I got back....



Now THAT'S love.