Thursday, May 15, 2014

My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 8

This was one of those posts I was desperate for my family to read and to "get". As I read it back today, I still am desperate for them to "get" it. You can't imagine the damage you cause to a child's mind when you follow "He's molested you" with a BUT. 



But alas, they either never read it, or they read it and didn't get it. Because they're still following "Yes, he's a child molester" with loads of BUTS. "But he's a good father!" "But he came to all of my softball games!" "But he paid for my college education!" "But he's the father of my children!" 

And the worst BUT that a few of them have said to me was "But he only ever molested one kid!"

While all of those statements may be true, they don't negate the first. Nor do they lessen the first statement's criminality. Nor do they lessen my pain. In fact, they only ever ADDED TO my pain. 

So thanks for that, family....thanks for that.

(originally published January 31, 2012)

I have two points to make today. The first further explains why I chose to write in graphic detail about my abuse.

I got so tired of hearing from some in my family phrases that started with, "Yes, Amy's husband molested you, BUT..." and were followed by, "...he's a good father" or "...he helped me financially once" or "....he repented." Those buts started making me want to scream, and let me explain why.

For all of my life until now, I'd either heard the previous statements expressed or felt them insinuated by most in my family. As a young teenager, I figured those statements must be true so I accepted them as my own. When I tried to make friends throughout my life and the friendships would get to a point where I felt compelled to share my story, I'd use the previous statements. And that's when those friendships would end. Those statements are CRAZY to the general population, so they assume the person uttering them must be crazy too. I spent 25 years trying to explain away a child molester to everyone I met, making myself as much of a social pariah as is a child molester.

THERE CAN BE NO BUTS AFTER CERTAIN STATEMENTS.

There can be periods. There can be no buts. Let me give you an example:

If I said to you, "The sky is blue, but frog legs taste like chicken", what would you think? Would you respond, "Agreed, that makes total sense!" Or would you smile and nod your head, while backing away slowly so you could make a quick getaway when the men in the white jackets showed up?

Now, I could say, "The sky is blue" and then say, "Frog legs taste like chicken!" Two independent statements, neither has any bearing on the other. I don't seem crazy, I just seem random.

I can no longer hear anyone use a BUT after saying, "Your ex-brother-in-law molested you." Because that sounds crazy to me, and I'm no longer participating in crazy. This is what I hear when you use a but: "Your ex-brother-in-law molested you, but frog legs taste like chicken..." Crazy, right? You have to be able to say, "Your ex-brother-in-law molested you PERIOD".

And I believe that saying PERIOD is important not just for the victim but for the offender. The offender needs to know that there is NO excuse for what he did. My ex-brother-in-law has heard those BUTS for 25 years too. I believe hearing those BUTS has made him feel as if what he did was less heinous of a crime. Saying PERIOD is important for my family too, to erase all the blurriness that surrounds this whole issue.

If, after saying PERIOD, you want to say, "Your ex-brother-in-law is a good father", that's your prerogative. But you have to acknowledge what is objective, and acknowledge it followed by a period. Good is a subjective term, and everyone has their own definitions for that word. My ex-brother-in-law is a child molester. That's not a subjective statement. Now, maybe you want to argue over whether the verb in that statement should be "is" or "was"; we can certainly address that in another post.

My graphic writing has eliminated the BUTS in my mind, and maybe in some others'.

Okay, point number two. I've had a lot of conversations about child sexual abuse in the last week, and one opinion that may be out there begs some discussion. I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who considers sexual abuse of a child in the same realm as adultery, or sex with an adult?

I know what my answer is to that question, and I know what the professional answer is to that question, but I'm curious as to what YOUR answer is to that question? When you are feeling horny, when you haven't had sex in a long time, do you occasionally think about finding a 12 year old to mess around with? When your marriage isn't going so well, do you ever consider turning to a child to satisfy yourself?

I'd love to hear your comments on that topic. If any professionals are reading my posts, those in the counseling field or the law field, I'd love to hear your perspectives. Can you relate child sexual abuse and adult-to-adult sex at all?


Profile of a child molester. 
Marital status doesn’t correlate to whether a person is a sexual predator or not. KEY FACT: A man deprived of sex does not morph into a child sexual predator. Molesting children is about preferring the power position and avoiding vulnerability. The taste for sex with children is separate from a normal human adult sex drive oriented to adults.
Wikipedia definitions of child sexual abuse and offenders:
Situational offender – does not prefer children, but offend under certain conditions.Regressed  – Typically has relationships with adults, but a stressor causes them to seek children as a substitute.
The Molester's Mindset:
 Often a child abuser acts less from genuine libidinousness than from rage, impulse or a simple desire to dominate another person.

This is a great book, written by an FBI profiler for professionals who are investigating child molesters.  I read through the whole thing and found it very informative and eye opening.


Original comments from 2012 below, feel free to add your own thoughts on the subject!

9 comments:

  1. Makes me wonder if women in strict religious relationships, working to be submissive to an unhealthy extreme or non-Biblical extreme might just be running interference for children then. If domination is part of the profile, then would a relationship with a woman who doesn't fight back, argue or complain be satisfying that drive in a potential child molester?

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think it is very important to call it what it is PERIOD. To often things are sugar coated to be easier to swallow. It’s a huge problem turning a blind eye to what is really happening. To some degree this is a defense mechanism, if I am telling someone of the abuse I suffered as a child I can tell right away when that person has tuned me out, not because they want to ignore me, but because they can’t get past that another person could do that to a child. Without providing details to snap that person back into reality they continue to “protect” or “guard” themselves by placing “abuse”, “molestation” into a to package, something that is non descriptive, a box they never have to deal with because it’s just a word. It doesn’t provide a visual of the abuse and why would it most haven’t experienced these humiliating, degrading, disgusting, dominating acts……He squeezed my nipples, made me touch his fat cock, after being hit with the belt I had blood running down my forehead, white stuff shot out of him all over me, I was made to lick up dog excrement, etc. Once this kind of detail is shared it becomes REAL, it’s no longer a word, it has a face and that face belongs to a criminal.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kudos to you both for sharing your stories. SO very many are abused, so few tell the real tell, and so few can bear to listen. But it is the NOT telling that causes generations of harm. My children are effected by their father's and aunt's and uncle's childhood that was effected by his father's secret pedophile life that was very likely the result of being molested as a child by a farmhand. He never told, but his daughter sure did, in a very public way, she wrote a book, a very publicly known book. Now my kids can't google their name without running into it- the ripples of NOT TELLING are still going strong. THAT is what the molester never considers-

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you Suzanne for this blog! It has been a surprising find and such a great encouragement!

    ReplyDelete
  5. So you mean after the revelation to your family that you were sexually abused, they did nothing about it? That’s horrible! That man should be in jail! You should talk to a sexual abuse attorney to help you with this case; that is, if you still want to press charges even after 25 years. It must have been a really terrifying experience for you. Just keep writing what you’ve been keeping in your for years, and it’ll definitely help you heal and live a normal life again.

    >Vesta Duvall

    ReplyDelete
  6. As a result of last Sunday's exercise, there's at least one more "But" to add to the list. After my warning park visitors to beware of the child molester on site, some asked "what did he do?" I informed them that Floyd Rupple sexually molested my baby sister.

    Mr. Ed Rubei, my sister Amy's husband, then stopped the visitor again and said, "it's all a lie. He doesn't have a baby sister."

    So the other "But": But Suzanne Mosley doesn't exist. So now Ed is reduced to history denier. Shame on you Ed. You probably justify it as being "for the kids." But if you really cared about them, truth would be preeminent. No, this is about protecting your wife's horrible fantasy and coddling a child molester. Great legacy you're building there.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Period. Period. Period. x 10 million trillion zillion gabillion

    ReplyDelete
  8. I agree with you Suzanne... Period is period... anything that a molester does to a child is disgusting and there are no buts about it... I am sickened with what you had to deal with being molested and then having to deal with the aftermath of buts...

    ReplyDelete
  9. These are the people that make Christians look bad. There's a lot of them out there, but this is a whole new level. It's so icky. My family loves and believes in God, but church? No thanks. I'll let my children learn for themselves what it means. I don't need it wrongly interpreted for them.

    ReplyDelete