My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 8

This was one of those posts I was desperate for my family to read and to "get". As I read it back today, I still am desperate for them to "get" it. You can't imagine the damage you cause to a child's mind when you follow "He's molested you" with a BUT. 

But alas, they either never read it, or they read it and didn't get it. Because they're still following "Yes, he's a child molester" with loads of BUTS. "But he's a good father!" "But he came to all of my softball games!" "But he paid for my college education!" "But he's the father of my children!" 

And the worst BUT that a few of them have said to me was "But he only ever molested one kid!"

While all of those statements may be true, they don't negate the first. Nor do they lessen the first statement's criminality. Nor do they lessen my pain. In fact, they only ever ADDED TO my pain. 

So thanks for that, family....thanks for that.

(originally published January 31, 2012)

I have two points to make today. The first further explains why I chose to write in graphic detail about my abuse.

I got so tired of hearing from some in my family phrases that started with, "Yes, Amy's husband molested you, BUT..." and were followed by, "...he's a good father" or "...he helped me financially once" or "....he repented." Those buts started making me want to scream, and let me explain why.

For all of my life until now, I'd either heard the previous statements expressed or felt them insinuated by most in my family. As a young teenager, I figured those statements must be true so I accepted them as my own. When I tried to make friends throughout my life and the friendships would get to a point where I felt compelled to share my story, I'd use the previous statements. And that's when those friendships would end. Those statements are CRAZY to the general population, so they assume the person uttering them must be crazy too. I spent 25 years trying to explain away a child molester to everyone I met, making myself as much of a social pariah as is a child molester.

THERE CAN BE NO BUTS AFTER CERTAIN STATEMENTS.

There can be periods. There can be no buts. Let me give you an example:

If I said to you, "The sky is blue, but frog legs taste like chicken", what would you think? Would you respond, "Agreed, that makes total sense!" Or would you smile and nod your head, while backing away slowly so you could make a quick getaway when the men in the white jackets showed up?

Now, I could say, "The sky is blue" and then say, "Frog legs taste like chicken!" Two independent statements, neither has any bearing on the other. I don't seem crazy, I just seem random.

I can no longer hear anyone use a BUT after saying, "Your ex-brother-in-law molested you." Because that sounds crazy to me, and I'm no longer participating in crazy. This is what I hear when you use a but: "Your ex-brother-in-law molested you, but frog legs taste like chicken..." Crazy, right? You have to be able to say, "Your ex-brother-in-law molested you PERIOD".

And I believe that saying PERIOD is important not just for the victim but for the offender. The offender needs to know that there is NO excuse for what he did. My ex-brother-in-law has heard those BUTS for 25 years too. I believe hearing those BUTS has made him feel as if what he did was less heinous of a crime. Saying PERIOD is important for my family too, to erase all the blurriness that surrounds this whole issue.

If, after saying PERIOD, you want to say, "Your ex-brother-in-law is a good father", that's your prerogative. But you have to acknowledge what is objective, and acknowledge it followed by a period. Good is a subjective term, and everyone has their own definitions for that word. My ex-brother-in-law is a child molester. That's not a subjective statement. Now, maybe you want to argue over whether the verb in that statement should be "is" or "was"; we can certainly address that in another post.

My graphic writing has eliminated the BUTS in my mind, and maybe in some others'.

Okay, point number two. I've had a lot of conversations about child sexual abuse in the last week, and one opinion that may be out there begs some discussion. I'm wondering if there is anyone out there who considers sexual abuse of a child in the same realm as adultery, or sex with an adult?

I know what my answer is to that question, and I know what the professional answer is to that question, but I'm curious as to what YOUR answer is to that question? When you are feeling horny, when you haven't had sex in a long time, do you occasionally think about finding a 12 year old to mess around with? When your marriage isn't going so well, do you ever consider turning to a child to satisfy yourself?

I'd love to hear your comments on that topic. If any professionals are reading my posts, those in the counseling field or the law field, I'd love to hear your perspectives. Can you relate child sexual abuse and adult-to-adult sex at all?


Profile of a child molester. 

Marital status doesn’t correlate to whether a person is a sexual predator or not. KEY FACT: A man deprived of sex does not morph into a child sexual predator. Molesting children is about preferring the power position and avoiding vulnerability. The taste for sex with children is separate from a normal human adult sex drive oriented to adults.

Wikipedia definitions of child sexual abuse and offenders:

Situational offender – does not prefer children, but offend under certain conditions.Regressed  – Typically has relationships with adults, but a stressor causes them to seek children as a substitute.

The Molester's Mindset:

 Often a child abuser acts less from genuine libidinousness than from rage, impulse or a simple desire to dominate another person.

This is a great book, written by an FBI profiler for professionals who are investigating child molesters.  I read through the whole thing and found it very informative and eye opening.

Original comments from 2012 below, feel free to add your own thoughts on the subject!