My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 4

Forgiveness. Christians love to throw that word around. They certainly loved throwing it at me. Timing is usually not a Christian's strong suit. When someone is telling your their story of abuse; hurt, crying, in the midst of a major earth shattering realization, that's probably not the best time to raise your eyebrows and say, "Well you know, Jesus told us to forgive our enemies". 

Why can't Christians handle letting someone go through the steps in their own time? Why is it so imperative to them that emotional situations be tied up in a pretty little bow TODAY RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND NOT ONE SECOND LATER? "You need to say you're sorry, and you need to say you forgive him, and you don't need to talk about this ever again because I can't handle it and it makes me uncomfortable and Jesus doesn't like ambiguity and I don't like feeling this way and please don't make me feel this way ever again because this is all about me ,ok thanks, bye".

Those in my family who threw the word forgiveness in my face as it related to my abuser made me laugh inside because they had no idea THEY were the people I was working so hard to try and forgive. My abuser was so far down the priority list of those who needed my forgiveness.

(originally posted January 26, 2012)


I want to pause in my story to address the issue of forgiveness, as that's been a hot topic. But first I want to acknowledge Solomon Singer's first comment from yesterday (posting as "Sunshine"). He was right on the money with everything he said, but something in particular struck such a chord with me.

"It is because when someone treats another human being as a thing, as something less than, it paves the way for all other atrocities, and the only thing we can do to stop it, is to remove that person from positions where they can do harm."

I'd never really thought about it that way, that my sister's ex-husband treated me as a "thing", as something "less than". But that's exactly what happened. And it explains why for the next 15-20 years of my life, I thought of myself as less than. I required nothing from people in regards to how they treated me, even within my own family. I let people say horrible things to me, I said nothing when people shunned me, I let people physically assault me, and never fought back. I tried to end my life, I kept putting myself in damaging relationships, went through a period of promiscuity, I even ended up almost working at a strip club. Those are behaviors of someone who thinks of themselves as "less than". You'd never think that a girl with an IQ as high as mine would ever find herself in these situations, but it proves how being treated as a "thing" when you're a child can damage you to such a degree that even your own brainpower can't overcome it....

Anyway. I can't say I've forgiven my ex-brother-in-law. I think that some in my family have, and others haven't. I don't feel guilty that I haven't forgiven him, everyone has a different process and timeline. Maybe I'll never get there. Maybe I'll be there tomorrow.

Would it help my process if my abuser ever actually asked ME for forgiveness, and not just my father? If he were living his life in a way that showed he was truly repentant? Who knows. But it would be something I'd consider. His 30 second confession to a room full of my shocked family and my scared 14 year old self isn't an apology. It's easy to confess to people/children who don't even realize what it was you did. Much harder to apologize to someone who's realized how horrible your crime was. It's easy to confess to my father, who has a heart bigger than the Milky Way and doesn't want to believe men can commit violent acts. Much harder to apologize to the woman who is no longer the scared teenager and knows EXACTLY what you did to her and her psyche.

One of my nieces had a great comparison. When an addict goes to AA, Step 9 is making amends. The AA process realizes that not only is it important for the person hurt to hear an apology, it's important for the person who caused the hurt to say that to those they hurt, and mean it. If my ex-brother-in-law had ever come to me when I was an adult and begged for my forgiveness, acknowledging the hideous nature of his crime, showing me the steps he had taken to get help for his disorder...who knows how my process would have changed in light of that knowledge.

In my opinion, a truly repentant man would have taken it upon himself to tell his children about his crime of his own volition and not pawn off that horrible task to his wife. A truly repentant man would want to show his daughters that he believes this kind of crime is atrocious, and would turn himself in so they would see what should happen to someone who does this to a child. If my abuser turned himself in today, that might be an act I'd consider as repentant.

Will him getting arrested and serving time inspire me to forgive him? I don't know. But again, forgiveness and consequence are separate. Apples and oranges. You can be forgiven, but that doesn't negate the consequences of the crime you committed. When you drive drunk and kill someone, even if you never touch another drop of liquor again and live your life as a teetotaler, you still have to pay the consequences for killing someone when you DID drink and drive.

If I had ever received as an adult, or even received now, an apology from my ex-brother-in-law, who knows what that might inspire in me. I am a forgiving person more often than not. I've forgiven others in my family in the past and continue to do so today.

Should I be able to forgive him even if he isn't repentant? Ah, utopia. I'm not there yet. I only just realized how badly he hurt me a minute ago, comparatively speaking. You can't forgive what you don't even know. Now that I know the gravity of what he did to me, I have to start this process all over again.

But like I said yesterday, forgiveness and physical proximity are not an if-then statement. My parents could have forgiven Floyd but still moved me across the country so I'd never have to see him again. My brothers could have forgiven Floyd but then ended their personal relationship with him. My sister could have forgiven him but then divorced him. Hindsight is 20/20 of course, and some in my family are realizing this. Hopefully our hindsight will improve another family's present vision...

Again, I want to thank everyone here and on Facebook and Twitter for your comments and emails. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Some have made me laugh out loud, some have made me cry silently. Some have made me cringe and some have made me cheer. I rolled my eyes at some and did a little dance at others. But every last one has been beautiful. After 25 years of never talking about it, the discussions that are breaking out all over the place make me almost unbearably happy. So please keep them coming! They are inspiring people and challenging people left and right.

(Also, keep in mind that I'm writing my story in manageable bits and pieces. There is so much more than what you're learned so far. God has been working and continues to work in my family. I love all of them and trust that God will heal us all in His time.)

ORIGINAL COMMENTS

Mandy, Jan 26 11:35am: Suzanne. What you just said makes so much sense to me. It seems to me that you already are starting to process this. To be able to understand just how much he did take from you. You lost out on so many years. He can never give those back to you. You are such a smart, funny and incredible person. I can only imagine the things you would have accomplished had this not happened to you. What you just wrote spoke to how I have felt most of my life too. I didn't go through anything nearly so horrific, I mostly did it to myself, but what you said makes so much sense. Thank you for your wisdom and I have thouroughly enjoyed reading some of your other experiences in life. You need to write a book! You are so talented! You really should.

Sunshine, Jan 26 9:08pm: I think a book would be a great idea. Perhaps you could start by seeing what other blog entries you've written might augment this story.

Steve, Jan 27 1:04am: Suzanne, I had heard from Eric about this blog and I was moved by your strength to not only come out with this horrible secret, but also prepared to bear the repercussions for doing so. I stand up and applaud you.

I only know you from the Christmas party, but I had to show my support in what you are doing. From reading your postings I have been angry, sad, outraged and shocked at what had occurred. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing here. The truth in this case is important to be told because so much has been done to cover it up.

That just amazes me that the "church" took it upon themselves to determine the outcome of a confessing pedophile. That is a little bold in my opinion.

My thoughts are a little scattered here, so I wrote a few thoughts down as I read each section.

Keeping that horrible secret in your mind all the while knowing that your ex-brother-in-law knew he had molested you many times and had only confessed to one occurrance, THEN being forced to tell him he was forgiven. This is unspeakable and absolutely unforgivable in my opinion. This just adds to the horribly offensive crime and the psychological impact to you as a child. I just can't even imagine experiencing such a thing.

So I'm reading the 3rd part now and see that you had taken a job as a secretary with your abuser. I am numb. It just never ends. Now this guy is in your face as your boss. I'm sitting here at my computer trying to think of what to say to this and I am simply speechless. I mean, what the hell was everybody thinking?! wow...

I'm hoping I'm not stepping out of line here, but those that were guiding you and your behavior in all this just has me dumbfounded. I have a 24 year old daughter and I can tell you that should any piece of s__t walking this planet lay an unwelcome hand on her they will experience the wrath of a very loving father and not likely survive it.

You know I watch "Lockup" and other shows like it and one thing is consistent: prisoners and felons themselves have rules and one thing they don't stand for are child molesters, referred to as "Cho-Mos". They will be beaten or killed. To prey on a helpless child is inexcusable.

That Lindsay idiot, wow, Yes there is fallout from this. There are repercussions to going public like this, but that is not the fault of you, Suzanne, but the fault of your abuser. He made the decision to perform these actions, which in turn has resulted in being exposed and humiliating his children and others for it. It is in no way due to Suzanne bringing the truth forward because it was being hidden by so many that guided her. You have to ask; would it have been better that her abuser was prosecuted at the time of these offenses and changes everyones' life, and likely altered other lives? Would it be okay to be public then, by the authorities? Of course it would be okay! So why then is it not okay now? We know it to be the truth because he has confessed to these crimes. It is not "alleged".

Furthermore...Suzanne is willingly ruining her nieces and nephews lives? Uh, I'm pretty sure that was her abuser that did that. It is not the fault of the one that brought the truth to the forefront, but the one who actually performed the crime. The second crime is that it was kept a secret for so long. I can't see allowing the children to go on believing a fake image of their father. I once had a fake image of my father, but then my mother told me the truths of what he did to her and my mother is very much a God-loving christian and an example to all how to walk in God's footsteps. She did not mean harm by it, but knew that the truth had to be known, which is exactly what I prefer.

I do hope this heals you Suzanne, and I'm sure you're on the right path. It is quite a burden to bear and I'm sorry this happened to you. You ARE doing the right thing because there is that possibility you can prevent others from being hurt in this way, just like you were, from this very same individual.