People connected to my abuser would contact me in these first few weeks of blogging, asking me what I wanted from him. Asking me to tell them the things he could do to get me to stop blogging. They, and my abuser, couldn't get it through their heads that it wasn't about what I WANTED. Someone who is truly sorry for what they've done will know the things they could do to start earning forgiveness from their victim, and they'll do them. Without being told to do so.
I'll tell you what it is I DIDN'T want. For my abuser to sue me for defamation, saying this whole story was a lie. For my family, who knew via the horse's mouth the story was true, to support my abuser in suing me and my brother.
That's not a sign of repentance. That's not a sign of caring about the person you hurt so badly.
It's actually the exact opposite.
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(originally posted January 27, 2012)
How do I respond to a question asking, "What is it you want from your ex-brother-in-law now?"
A series of events during a five year period led me to this day. One of the first of those events occurred about four years ago. I was going through some pictures of my children as toddlers, pictures from a time before I had a digital camera. I came upon a few pictures of my beautiful daughter. She was probably 18 months old in the pictures. I was immediately overcome with the realization that in these pictures my daughter looked exactly like one of my ex-brother-in-law's daughters, one of my nieces. One of my nieces that I've always thought looked more like her dad than my sister.
I had a knee jerk reaction so severe, so unlike me, that looking back on it I can barely believe it really happened. I covered my mouth with my hand and felt nauseous, because my brain looked at that photo and processed the information as, "YOUR DAUGHTER LOOKS LIKE THE MAN WHO MOLESTED YOU". Without a second thought I jumped up, ran the pictures over to the shredder in my bedroom and shoved them in the slot, my heart beating so fast I thought it was going to explode. As I watched the pictures being destroyed my brain was saying over and over again "GetRidOfThem GetRidOfThem GetRidOfThem GetRidOfThem!!!!!!!"
Those of you who know me are probably reading that in a little bit of shock. You know me as someone who doesn't act impulsively. Someone who analyzes every word and move for eons before acting on them. So you can understand why this incident left such a lasting impression on me.
Not five seconds after the last picture was torn into hundreds of strips, it hit me. "Idiot, it's genetically impossible for your daughter to look anything like your brother-in-law. If your daughter looks like your niece, it must mean your niece looks like your SISTER! So it follows that your daughter looks like your SISTER, dumbass!!"
I hated myself so much in that moment. The realization that my daughter looked like my sister would make me nothing but proud because I love my sister, but my messed up psyche made me believe something impossible for a few seconds. Seconds that I could never get back. And I started crying. I felt stupid and embarrassed. I realized I needed to start taking care of that messed up bit of my mind that could inspire such ridiculous behavior in me.
I started seething, hating my sister's ex-husband again. Hating him so much I wanted to act on it. Hating him for implanting screwed up information in my childhood brain. Hating him for doing something so damaging to me as a child it would cause me as an adult to destroy my beautiful daughter's pictures, pictures that I could never get back.
So how do I respond to that question? I can easily respond with what I WANT from my abuser, I've thought about that most every day of my life. Sometimes I've even dreamed about what I want. My dance partner turned lifelong friend Richard (Half of Team MandM) explained in heart wrenching detail about how as an abused child he used to daydream about bad things happening to the guy who abused him. My wants are all emotion based....Do I say:
I want my daughter's pictures back?
I want the memory of your f***ing ugly face with its stupid eyes rolled back in its head and its fat mouth hanging wide open while you jerk off out my head?
I want you to perform castration upon yourself?
I want you to spend 5 years in a prison cell spending each endless day dreading nightfall because you know your big bald tattooed cellmate named Tiny is going to roll you over in your bunk and make you scream like a little girl?
I can say all of those things and they'd be true WANTS. And I can say those things and still be a Christian. I don't expect all of those things to actually happen (although I've heard rumors about Tiny). And they're not necessarily what should happen. I can separate emotional wants from practical expectations.
The point is that it shouldn't matter what I WANT from the man who molested me. What matters is what he SHOULD do, regardless of my feelings. He should apologize to me as an adult for his crime. He should apologize to my entire family for his crime, now that they all are aware of the enormity of what he did and its effects. He should preemptively turn himself in to the police as soon as possible and confess to any other criminal acts he's committed. He should get himself into some sort of treatment/rehab program to deal with whatever caused him to commit this crime in the first place. There's a lot of things he should and could do.
This isn't about making me feel better, it's about paying consequences for felonious actions. I'm assuming those consequences will make me feel just as good as some of my emotional wants would, we shall see.
(Also, I just want to make another quick point. My parents made the mistake of being too naive. While that was an egregious mistake, it was not a crime. Only one person in my story committed a crime. A felony, even. We all make mistakes as parents, even egregious ones. I have no doubt that in 30 years one of my children will be blogging about some horrifying thing I did that they had to get over. Hopefully when that happens I'll be as graceful as those in my family who've realized their mistakes and made amends for them.)
*People have been emailing me privately to ask if they can share this blog with people in their lives experiencing similar situations. By all means, pass my story along. I've gotten so many private responses, people sharing their personal stories with me, that I'm realizing sharing my story might do more than just help me through my process.*
ORIGINAL COMMENTS
Sunshine, Jan 27 8:41am: I think this blog post exemplifies why we all are so affected by the transgressions against you. I know I am not the only one who will describe you as a rock, a constant support, a grounding wire. This particular post displays that. Even in your pain and anger, you suggest that your ex-brother-in-law get help. I'm the sure the rest of us just want him neutered.
As to any mistakes that you've made parenting, we all know what Ava's tirade is going to be about: "My poor deluded mother forced us to sit through dinner at Panera Bread with an insane asylum escapee. Later, she made us eat his brownie!"
Marie, Jan 27 10:48am: Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel, myself included, but are unable to express. Thank you for your strength, courage and wisdom. I myself was molested by my mom's second husband (they are divorced now). And people just don't understand what you go through for years and years to come. Thank you for showing people that you can come out the other side stronger then you were before and able to move on if just a little. I'm still dealing with my abuse but I have come a long way. I don't see my abuser anymore. I use to think about it every day. But not anymore. It still haunts me but it is not in my daily thoughts. They call it survivor for a reason and you can survive and thrive. I'm still working on the thriving part of my life but I'm trying. Thank you again for sharing.
Heather, Jan 27 5:55pm: I am not half as strong as you (and that is NOT an attempt to fish for compliments). I keep rereading your story and your commentary on it, and realize all the more that you epitomize the balance between grace and justice. You're not a man-hating, family-blaming, vengeance-seeking victim; you are a loving and healthy woman who is demanding justice. Can I be you, please? ;)
Christopher Donohue, Jan 29 6:26am: I somehow came across your story today and it resonated (via being an INTJ) which recalled many of my childhood horrific memories which I still struggle with to this day even at 41.
I commend you for sharing your experience from your childhood. No one should suffer via the hands of another in what ever form.
I know this as I suffered from being brought up by a drug addict, turned alcoholic who inflicted abuse upon me from the age of 7 onwards (being hit with heavy items, left out in the cold in the nude, starved, made to stay awake and paint ovens (bright green or blue) and appliances in the middle of the night, made to lick up dog excrement, etc) along with suffering molestation by a scout leader and being constantly bullied at school. This along with being told I did not belong and that I came about due to the cause of rape has had a heavy burden on my life, of which I have only recognised the true impact (via by at times self destructive behaviour) in the last few years. I had spent many a year trying to run away from my childhood. To add to that having to turn off my mother's life support system and continue to raise and care for my intellectually disabled half-sister, whilst my mother's siblings continued to abandon us has been detrimental to say the least. Yet I somehow managed to become moderately successful in my career.
What partially keeps me going is knowing that many others have suffered worse than I have and we all are affected in different ways however big or small the event.
I would like to know what benefits there may be in graphically outlining your awful story, and what you think you may get from it. This may help me with my journey.
Good on you for sharing. One of the miracles of technology is the ability to link with others and share stories in the hope that we all learn and empower others.
As to any mistakes that you've made parenting, we all know what Ava's tirade is going to be about: "My poor deluded mother forced us to sit through dinner at Panera Bread with an insane asylum escapee. Later, she made us eat his brownie!"
Marie, Jan 27 10:48am: Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel, myself included, but are unable to express. Thank you for your strength, courage and wisdom. I myself was molested by my mom's second husband (they are divorced now). And people just don't understand what you go through for years and years to come. Thank you for showing people that you can come out the other side stronger then you were before and able to move on if just a little. I'm still dealing with my abuse but I have come a long way. I don't see my abuser anymore. I use to think about it every day. But not anymore. It still haunts me but it is not in my daily thoughts. They call it survivor for a reason and you can survive and thrive. I'm still working on the thriving part of my life but I'm trying. Thank you again for sharing.
Heather, Jan 27 5:55pm: I am not half as strong as you (and that is NOT an attempt to fish for compliments). I keep rereading your story and your commentary on it, and realize all the more that you epitomize the balance between grace and justice. You're not a man-hating, family-blaming, vengeance-seeking victim; you are a loving and healthy woman who is demanding justice. Can I be you, please? ;)
Christopher Donohue, Jan 29 6:26am: I somehow came across your story today and it resonated (via being an INTJ) which recalled many of my childhood horrific memories which I still struggle with to this day even at 41.
I commend you for sharing your experience from your childhood. No one should suffer via the hands of another in what ever form.
I know this as I suffered from being brought up by a drug addict, turned alcoholic who inflicted abuse upon me from the age of 7 onwards (being hit with heavy items, left out in the cold in the nude, starved, made to stay awake and paint ovens (bright green or blue) and appliances in the middle of the night, made to lick up dog excrement, etc) along with suffering molestation by a scout leader and being constantly bullied at school. This along with being told I did not belong and that I came about due to the cause of rape has had a heavy burden on my life, of which I have only recognised the true impact (via by at times self destructive behaviour) in the last few years. I had spent many a year trying to run away from my childhood. To add to that having to turn off my mother's life support system and continue to raise and care for my intellectually disabled half-sister, whilst my mother's siblings continued to abandon us has been detrimental to say the least. Yet I somehow managed to become moderately successful in my career.
What partially keeps me going is knowing that many others have suffered worse than I have and we all are affected in different ways however big or small the event.
I would like to know what benefits there may be in graphically outlining your awful story, and what you think you may get from it. This may help me with my journey.
Good on you for sharing. One of the miracles of technology is the ability to link with others and share stories in the hope that we all learn and empower others.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel, myself included, but are unable to express. Thank you for your strength, courage and wisdom. I myself was molested by my moms second husband (they are divorced now). And people just don't understand what you go through for years and years to come. Thank you for showing people that you can come out the other side stronger then you were before and able to move on if just a little. I'm still dealing with my abuse but I have come a long way. I don't see my abuser anymore/. I use to think about it every day. But not anymore. It still haunts me but it is not in my daily thoughts. They call it survivor for a reason and you can survive and thrive. I'm still working on the thriving part of my life but I'm trying.
ReplyDeleteThank you again for sharing
I am not half as strong as you (and that is NOT an attempt to fish for compliments). I keep rereading your story and your commentary on it, and realize all the more that you epitomize the balance between grace and justice. You're not a man-hating, family-blaming, vengeance-seeking victim; you are a loving and healthy woman who is demanding justice.
ReplyDeleteCan I be you, please? ;)
I somehow cam across your story today and it resonated (via being an INTJ) which recalled many of my childhood horrific memories which I still struggle with to this day even at 41.
ReplyDeleteI commend you for sharing your experience from your childhood. No one should suffer via the hands of another in what ever form.
I know this as I suffered from being brought up by a drug addict, turned alcoholic who inflicted abuse upon me from the age of 7 onwards (being hit with heavy items, left out in the cold in the nude, starved, made to stay awake and paint ovens (bright green or blue) and appliances in the middle of the night, made to lick up dog excrement, etc) along with suffering molestation by a scout leader and being constantly bullied at school. This along with being told I did not belong and that I came about due to the cause of rape has had a heavy burden on my life, of which I have only recognised the true impact (via by at times self destructive behaviour) in the last few years. I had spent many a year trying to run away from my childhood. To add to that having to turn of my mother's life support system and continue to raise and care for my intellectually disabled half sister, whilst my mother's siblings continued to abandon us has been detrimental to say the least. Yet I somehow managed to become moderately successful in my career.
What partially keeps me going is knowing that many others have suffered worse than I have and we all are affected in different ways however big or small the event.
I would like to know what benefits there maybe in graphically outlining your awful story, and what you think you may get from it. This may help me with my journey.
Good on you for sharing. One of the miracles of technology is the ability to link with others and share stories in the hope that we all learn and empower others.