My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 14

I've always left room for believing my abuser could change. But his actions as they relate to this issue have NEVER shown that he has.

If a child molester had truly taken responsibility for his crime, truly repented, truly tried to make amends and turn his life around, would he sue his victim for writing about what happened? Would he call her and her family liars? 

Does a repentant, changed man tell his children that it was true he molested his sister-in-law, and then turn around and sue that sister-in-law for telling the same story? 

Of course not. Of course he hasn't changed. He's the same conniving, sneaky, slimy guy who molested me 28 years ago.

A child molester's actions speak louder than his family's words.


(originally posted February 8, 2012)

I want to speak to an interesting comment from yesterday's post. Anonymous wrote:

I have been following your blogs and I am just curious... your friend above who goes to a church where there is a known child molester/sex offender, you mentioned a part where he served his time and now he has a chance to move on and turn his life around. Are you implying that without going to jail, your abuser can not in fact turn his life around? Because you are making it sound like because justice can not be served in the way you want it, he can not be changed or get help... And with sunshine's suggestion above.. that sounds spiteful to me. It doesnt sound like you are really concernced with him getting help which could lead to making it more safe for children around him. I feel as though you are more focused on the justice part and him being "raped in prison" (just harping on a comment you made in an earlier blog) part rather than being proactive about further instances.. Do you honestly believe that people cant/dont change after 25 years?

Great question. I have never been one to say there's only one way to skin a cat. I certainly do not think jail is the only way to turn your life around. But I do think that it takes a visible, tangible and monumental act on the part of the offender to show people there's even a chance they can turn their life around.

A lie lived over 25 years, and constructed into the foundation of the next generation, demands a confession of great architectural depth if repair is to avert demolition. - Eric Lewis

If my ex-brother-in-law hadn't been outed by a little 10 year old girl, he would have continued his felonious behavior for god only knows how long. Probably until I was old enough and ballsy enough to hide a knife under my pillow and stab him in the heart the next time he tiptoed into the room. (In essence, Melissa saved his life as well as mine.) His deviant actions over the course of those two years had only progressed, not declined. The frequency had increased, and the actual act had progressed from touching my breasts, to masturbating while touching me, to masturbating while touching me in front of his sleeping children. His boldness had increased, to the point of ripping my towels off in front of people and vaguely referencing the sexual abuse to my face in front of people. Progression in a sexual deviant is a scary thing.

Progression usually doesn't just stop, does it... Can it? Of course. People do stop things cold turkey. But cold turkey takes a LOT of willpower. My sister's ex-husband certainly hadn't displayed that he was a man of great willpower. And remember, when confronted, my abuser lied about the extent of the abuse for three years. In that three years he was living as if he had confessed and repented when, in reality, he'd pulled a fast one on my family. That doesn't bode well for long term trust.

Let's say someone quits smoking cold turkey after years of a pack-a-day habit. If they fall off the wagon for 5 minutes once in 25 years, that doesn't matter a hill o' beans. They're only killing themselves, it has no effect on anyone (secondhand smoke notwithstanding). If that smoker never tells anyone he snuck one once, no one will care. If a child molester who's quit cold turkey falls off the wagon and molests a kid once for 5 minutes in 25 years, that's a much bigger deal. If he never tells anyone he "snuck one in once", there's a much bigger consequence. Those of us with young children can't afford a child molester falling off the wagon for one second.

I believe that God can change people. I've seen it happen. I also believe in statistics. God would not have given our brains the capability of seeing patterns if He didn't want us to see patterns. Based on the exhaustive research of criminal experts, patterns show the probability that my abuser did this to another girl is high. That does not mean it's a guarantee he touched another girl. But I have to go with the statistics because he's given me no reason to do otherwise. There has been no tangible monumental act to hang my hat on. So he has to fight against those statistics, that's a price you pay when you commit a felony.

Personally, it doesn't matter to me if my ex-brother-in-law has or hasn't become a better person, changed his life, whatever. I mean, come on. "Loving my enemies" to me means not killing them. This is as loving as I can get. What matters to me is that no other child has to live through my experience because of him. 

My abuser has done nothing to show anyone that he's dealt with his sick deviant inclinations. He needs to do something to make people feel a little bit more comfortable considering him a member of society. What is that something? I touched upon the answer in an earlier post, one that Anonymous referenced in his/her comment.  I also suggested in another post that perhaps there was another option for dealing with a child molester.

I listed a few "wants" that I had in regards to my abuser, and I said that they were just that. Wants. Based on my emotions.

There are plenty of things my ex-brother-in-law could do that would encourage people to accept he may have changed. Counseling would be one. Getting an unbiased, medical opinion on the state of his deviance. Prison would have been another. Some sort of statement of apology would be a start. Manning up and telling his children himself. Even just one of these actions might be something, but when you choose NONE OF THE ABOVE, you have to accept that people are going to question the legitimacy of your claims to change.

The onus is on the sex offender to show that he/she isn't going to continue being a sex offender. And unrelated evidences can't be used to prove change. "He's been a good father", "He helped me out financially a few times", "He helped his kid get out of trouble", "He prays before every meal", "He's memorized the entire book of Philippians", "He feeds the homeless and knits socks for soldiers and ties pretty little bows around stray kittens necks"...Apples and oranges. None of those things speak to SEXUALLY DEVIANT BEHAVIORS TOWARDS CHILDREN.

If you want me to buy your car and I know the transmission is shot, you can get the exterior waxed, get the brakes changed, get a new tailpipe, polish the rims....the transmission is still broken. You won't be able to sell that car to me, nor to anyone with a modicum of good sense. You may find a handful of idiots who say, "Oooh! Pretty rims!" and hand you cash without checking to see if the car drives, but most adults will say, "Stop showing me the rims and the tailpipe, let me test drive the damn thing." You need to show me that the specific problem has been spoken to in some way. You need to either prove the transmission has been fixed by showing me paperwork from the auto shop, give me an extended warranty on that specific problem, or drop the price of the car by a huge amount so I can afford to fix it myself.

Either way, if you want to sell ME on that car, you need to work hard. Or you can just take the car elsewhere, find some schmo who doesn't know the car's history. You have the freedom to do that.

There are professionals out there who have spent their lives studying child molesters and learning how to help them. The average Joe cannot, I believe, speak to the change of a child molester. The average Joe cannot even comprehend the mind of a child molester, so how can Joe guarantee that child molester is fixed?  I'm not walking into a lion's cage unless a certified lion tamer tells me it's safe. And probably not even then. Siegfried and Roy proved that sometimes even experts get it wrong.

And how do you even test a child molester's change? Who's going to let their daughter be the guinea pig? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller...? Bueller....?  *chirp......*chirp.....

Exactly. If you have a daughter, or even a son, you're not letting your child spend time with a child molester, changed or otherwise. None of us are playing around with a fire this hot. I send my children into the world every day, knowing that they will probably come into contact with an unidentified child molester. That takes great faith, to not zip my kids up in a bubble. But to let them have contact with a KNOWN child molester, that's not faith. That's dead brain cells.

So what do you think? Do you just assume that because a long time has passed, my ex-brother-in-law has changed? Does time change all things for the better? Can you assume anything in a situation like this? Would you need to see some action to show that your child molester had dealt with his behaviors or would you be able to just accept that time had changed him?

My abuser is continuing to lie to this day. He knows that I haven't shared everything he did to me. I wonder if he'll ever be honest about it all. Someone who lies over and over and never tells the whole truth cannot be trusted by me.


But you can make your own call.

ORIGINAL COMMENTS:

Anonymous, February 8 2:49pm: From reading your thought provoking posts I can tell you are searching for answers. You don't appear to be an unreasonable person. I have three small children and I know for a fact I would never knowingly allow them to be in the presence of a known child molester. Jail, Counseling, Born again Christian, or any other voodoo to try and heal, or mend this broken individual is a waste of time. Once the darkness is allowed in the soul it is ever present. In my opinion your ex-brother-in-law will never be a fixed, or healed, or rehabilitated. He is an addict and his addiction is power over a less than individual. Once an addict always an addict. I believe these desires, needs, can be curved over time with a "10 step" type program but that feeling, that desire to be in control will never leave him.