My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 3

The idea of consequences being proportionate to the grievance committed has been so monumental to me when looking back at my situation. The consequences my abuser had to pay were so minute, compared to the grievance committed. He had to confess to the family what he'd done in whatever vague fashion HE CHOSE, make some vague reference to a sexual sin of some non-criminal sort to the church congregation, say 5 Hail Marys, click his heels 3 times and call it a day. It's no surprise my 14 year old self decided what happened to her must not have been that big of a deal. When the adults' reactions are basically "meh...", the non-confrontational obedient child is going to assume that must be the proper reaction.

Something else I didn't mention in the original post, as it relates to these family meetings; something that disgusts and infuriates me to this day...in these meetings, there were tears shed. So many tears. But not by the person you'd assume. The 14 year old girl who'd spent two years living in a nightmare shed NOT ONE TEAR in these meetings. I'll give you one guess who the blubbering fool was. Take your time. 

That's right. My abuser, my ex-brother-in-law. HE sat next to my sister and in front of my parents and one or both of my brothers and their wives and cried like a big baby. Crocodile tears. Meanwhile I RE.FUSED. to let him see one drop of saline leave my body. I was a statue. Stone-faced. Thinking the whole time, "Wait a damn minute. YOU'RE crying!??! You?!! YOU DON'T GET TO CRY!" and all the while wishing one of the men in the room would GIVE HIM SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT.

So of course, who got all the attention? The squeaky wheel gets the oil, as the saying goes. Poor, poor child molester with his sad, sad tears. Wook at his wittle puppy dog eyes wif da big tears dwipping down. How could anybody punch a face like that??! As I look back, I wonder if I'd cried like a baby and kicked and screamed and threatened to kill myself, if somebody in that room might have really looked at me. Might have wondered why he was crying so hard and I wasn't registering even one emotion. But showing emotion wasn't  part of my personality. It never has been and it never will be. My family knew that about me, and I feel took advantage of that fact. They knew I'd never put up a fuss about it all. Quiet Suzanne will follow along and keep the peace. 

I was glad to do that for the family I loved so fiercely, for 25 years. Until I started realizing the sacrifice I'd made for them was killing me. 

- Interesting tidbit: the professor I mention in this story, who was a Music Theory teacher at West Chester University (for the life of me I can't recall his name) ended up being let go because of inappropriate relationships with students. My mother mentioned seeing the story in the paper a few years later. During the time frame he was harassing me, a girl came up to me and told me he'd done the same to her the semester before, and that there was a female professor in the music department who was keeping a list of names of girls he'd abused. I was mortified this girl was talking about the situation, and blew her off as quickly as possible and never went to see that female professor. Mainly because I felt this man's advances were my fault and I was ashamed. Not surprising I felt that way, looking back now..

(originally posted January 25, 2012)


(While the views expressed by the folks who commented on yesterday's posts are not all necessarily my own, I appreciate all of them, from those of you I know and from those who are strangers to me. Even Lindsay's. She got slammed because she chose to leave a comment, but she's just one representative of a group of people who think the way she does. Those people exist, the ones who think that when a woman or child is raped or molested, the parents should stop before they call 911 and think about the criminal's children, or his wife, or his status in life, or what football team he coached. Most criminals have children, wives, and families. It's gotta be incredibly hard to accept and deal with knowing your father is a criminal. Maybe almost as hard as it is to recover from being a child who was victimized by that criminal. It's a big pile of shit we're all in together. We all have to heal.)

After Melissa told her parents, they told my parents, and my ex-brother-in-law confessed, my father called a family* meeting. My father was the pastor of a mid-sized traditional Baptist church at the time. Not all members of my family were there, but at that meeting my ex-brother-in-law was told to repent. I was 14 at the time, and mortified to be sitting there listening to this meeting. My ex-brother-in-law confessed that the molestation had happened ONE TIME. I was so embarrassed about the whole situation that I didn't contradict him. I just continued sitting on the edge of the couch staring at my hands, wanting to die. I knew he was lying, he knew he was lying, but I just wanted out of that room. My parents asked me to tell my ex-brother-in-law I forgave him. Being an extremely obedient child, I did what they wanted me to do.

From that moment on, for the next three years, the issue was never spoken of again to my knowledge. I believe but am not sure that my ex-brother-in-law  was asked to step down from his position on the Board of Trustees at the church, but no reason was given. My ex-brother-in-law was never made to go to counseling, neither was I. No one asked me any questions about the molestation after that, no one ever asked me how I was doing. We just continued on as one big happy family. We all went to the same church and lived on the same street, so I saw my ex-brother-in-law  all the time.

I loved my parents and always wanted to do what they wanted me to do, so when I realized the order of the day was to be kind to my abuser, I fell in line. I thought my darkest days were over because the actual abuse had ended, but in truth more darkness was just around the corner.

I finished high school and started college a year early, at 17. My year and a half in college was awful. I felt so out of place, couldn't make any friends, felt like I had nothing in common with anyone. I was carrying a heavy secret around and it made me feel like an alien. Everyone else around me was shiny and happy.

I was stalked by one of my professors for part of that time. He was in his mid-40s, older, married, and obviously picked me out of the herd as the weak one. He made me come for extra tutoring, and while I was in his office he befriended me and asked me all kinds of questions about myself. I was in such a dark place emotionally and was so happy that anyone was noticing my poor emotional health, that I vomited my story to him. For the next couple months he followed me around campus, left notes on my car, called my parents' home, wrote notes on my homework, etc. I left college because of him, I didn't have to strength then to get myself out of that mess.

During this time, a couple from my church noticed that I seemed distant. They invited me over for dinner and started plying me with questions about my ex-brother-in-law. They were being nosy, but I was just so happy again that someone was asking me about it that I opened up. I started thinking about it all again, and decided to tell my parents that my abuser was lying back when he first confessed.

After I told them this new information, my dad called another family meeting. All of my siblings and their spouses were at that one, and my ex-brother-in-law confessed that yes, he had lied 4 years earlier. That yes, the abuse had happened much more than ONE TIME.

That news still didn't change anything in my family. It was back to business as usual after the meeting was over. Let's all forgive our brother-in-law and treat him the same as everyone else, even though he lied and would never have confessed to the truth if Suzanne hadn't forced the issue again. I went along yet again, even to the point of accepting a job at my ex-brother-in-law's company as his secretary for a few months, in lieu of going back to school. I was determined to show myself and everyone else that I was a strong Christian, that I was past it all, that I was sooo super forgiving. One of the worst decisions I ever made. Forcing myself to be in that situation made my emotional health so much worse than it already was. But no one questioned my choice, everyone seemed to think it was a great idea.

I met and married my first boyfriend very quickly after quitting that job....I was about to sink deeper into the depths of my personal internal hell.

I knew that what my ex-brother-in-law had done was intensely sick and wrong, but no one else save Melissa seemed to see it. I loved my family and trusted them, and I lived every day of my life struggling with what my common sense was telling me and what the adults I trusted most were leading me to believe. And apologies to Melissa, the fact that she was 10 years old led me to lean away from her opinions towards the adults'. (Looking back now, how interesting it is to me that a 10 year old girl was the only one who had the right instincts.)

I didn't understand why my parents forced me to be around him. I understood that they had forgiven him, but I didn't understand why forgiveness and close proximity had to go hand in hand. You can forgive someone from afar. You can forgive someone and choose to never see or speak to them again.

I also didn't understand why forgiveness negated consequence. When I did something wrong as a child, my parents made me pay a consequence, even though they still loved me and forgave me. And the consequence they made me pay was always proportionate to the grievance committed. Forget to clean your room, slap on the hand. Steal the car, get everything you own taken away and stay in your room alone for a week. We'll still love you, but you pay the consequences.

So as a 14 year old, seeing my abuser escape TWICE with zero to microscopic consequence and seeing my parents forgive him and continue on having me live side by side with him was enough to screw my brain up for 25 years to come.

I'm not sure why Christians can't separate things.



*To clarify, when I use the term "family" in these posts, I'm referring to my immediate family; my parents, siblings, and their spouses. Not to the 2nd generation, they have no culpability in this story at all and weren't old enough to participate, some not even born yet during the time frame this story refers to. They are part of the effects of this story now of course, and were the main reason I didn't tell what my ex-brother-in-law was doing to me for 2 years, but when I question the handling of the situation, I'm not referring to them.

ORIGINAL COMMENTS

Lindsay, Jan 25 9:57am: I want to apologize if my words were harsh in my last comment.. I spoke out of anger. I want to clarify that I am speaking for myself and no one else, these are my opinions and not anyone elses. With that said I would like to (calmly) clarify to those who have crucified me in their responses. I was not adressing the issue at hand, I was not adressing whether it was truth or not. I am speaking on the way the situation was handled. As someone who was allegedly abused as a teenager, can you imagine how your teenage neices feels right now? Imagine reading in gross detail sexual explicit things with their fathers name attached to it? Imagine their peers and friends reading it? Suzanne, you and I both know that your ex-brother-in-law has been an exceptional father to those kids, regardless of what happened between you or between him and his wife. If he goes to jail, you will be taking someones (5 someones) father away from them. If they were in some "danger" I could understand your concern but you know just as well as I do that they are not. Because you want justice from something that happened to you 25 years ago, you are willingly ruining your nieces and nephews lives. As an adult, I would think you would see this and see how selfish it trully is. This is the last I am going to say because I have been asked to back off, I just want you to think about your sisters kids....like they were your own....have you even spoken to them personally?

• Anonymous, Jan 25 1:41pm: I am appalled by you calling it "alleged abuse" after he confessed not only once but twice to it! Shame on you!!! and that's all I'm going to say !!! Who only knows if he has done this to his own children or other children!!!

• INTJ, Jan 25 11:11pm: Lindsay, your concern for his children/young adults is admirable and, I pray, shared by all here. Please understand, however, that they have a choice to read these graphic details or not, and to draw comfort from you and from each other at this time. Suzanne had to –not read– LIVE these graphic details, with no choice, as a child, alone. You see these young adults being wounded before your eyes (not, as you believe, by Suzanne) and it moves you, as it should. Because you did not see Suzanne being wounded, her pain doesn’t seem as real or important. It is. Jerry Sandusky did wonderful things for many, many young boys through his foundation. That does not earn him a pass for the egregious acts he perpetrated on only a few boys. No matter how many good things Suzanne’s molester did as a father, it does not earn him a “get out of jail free” card for the egregious acts he perpetrated on his children’s aunt when she was a child – and if I understand her words correctly, sometimes in the very presence of his own sleeping children. Suzanne has been the shock absorber for the family pain in this issue for over two decades, and her shocks are worn out. As sad as it is, everyone now needs to share the burden of pain, which was placed on them, not by Suzanne, but by the man who perpetrated these deeds. 

Rebecca Jones, Jan 25 10:18am: Lindsay, this was all in Suzanne's ex-brother-in-law's hands. The truth always comes out & he should of thought of the shame he brought on himself and family. He was the only one in control and he made the wrong choice. Please let him know. Again, Suzanne, you are so brave to tell your story publically. Kudos to you for sharing and breaking your silence. Its funny how some of it has some common threads with another story I read, Christian family, very much at ease with sweeping it under the rug. Sad but I don't think its necessarily a "Christian" characteristic as much as it is a cowardly one.

Sunshine, Jan 25 10:34am: I would argue that top on the list of making someone a bad father is that he sexually abuses young girls. I don't care what kind of face he puts on for his kids, he clearly has a skewed value system and that can't help but be inherited in some manner. Maybe it's small, like the girls have low self esteem, or maybe it's bigger, like the boys mistreat women, but even if it's nothing like that, even if Hitler were able to raise Mother Teresa, he should still be punished for his crimes. He should be ostracized and outcast because part of the social contract is that we do nothing that harms other members of our society. By breaking that contract, he has lost his place in our society and all the rights that come along with it.

Also, Suzanne's ex-brother-in-law no longer has kids, even if they still act that way. Part of being an adult is learning that your parents are flawed, and it is a long time since most of his children should have started acting like adults. In fact, one might argue that this is the perfect time for Suzanne to out his atrocities, because his children are past the point of needing a father figure. She has been thoughtful to the extreme, and careful about the feelings of everyone involved except herself. She gave Amy the opportunity to tell them before she published this. She talked with her entire family before making any of these decisions. If anything, Suzanne has been too careful. As a victim of a crime, she had the right to tell her story in any way that might help her heal, and she chose to be the better person, retard her own healing process in favor of the other people involved.

I'm sure none of us intended to villainize Lindsay, and we are all just very angry at Suzanne's ex-brother-in-law, But, Lindsay, if you choose to be a member of any society, remember that there is a reason that child molestation is wrong, child molesters are evil and criminals are put in jail. It is because when someone treats another human being as a thing, as something less than, it paves the way for all other atrocities, and the only thing we can do to stop it, is to remove that person from positions where they can do harm.

• Anonymous, Jan 25 3:04pm: I couldn't agree more, very well said. We as adults all know the difference between right and wrong and it has no time frame. I wonder if Lindsay has married one of Suzanne's abuser's sons and her posts are made more out of fear for her own safety, or safety of her children, or future children?

• Lindsay, Jan 25 3:47pm: this is a perfect example of what kind of ignorance comes from assuming something you know nothing about. I am neither dating nor married to either son, I have known the family for many years and my relationship with any and all of them is no ones business.

• Anonymous, Jan 26 1:13pm: Small minded Lindsay, this is a blog and it is being plastered all over Facebook. I for one don't know the family don't care to know the family or you for that matter. All I know is what I’m reading, I’m not saying I believe it to be true or not to be true but you have to presume because of your aggressive attacks towards the victim that you are emotionally attached to one or more of the family members directly involved. It could be one of the sons or both, it could be Suzanne's ex-brother-in-law himself for all I care, but only someone profoundly connected to the situation who happens to also be female, (I can assume you are female since your name is “Lindsay” correct?) can completely ignore the life damaging acts this adult has caused to a child. Preying on the young and stealing their innocence has to be one the most despicable acts of all time. I know there is a god and he is a forgiving god but I also know there is a hell for a reason.

Stan, Jan 25 11:08am: Lindsay, with respects to Suzanne's abuser being an "exceptional father", that is your opinion, but, is it based on living every minute of your life with both him and his kids? Do you know for a fact that he hasn't played "snatch the towel" with other nieces or nephews and/or his own kids. Do you know if there aren't others that have been similarly victimized by her abuser? As far as his kids, shouldn't they have the right to know of his past actions, THAT HE CONFESSED to before they leave their kids with grandpa and make an informed decision? How much more of a tragedy this would be if he were to do similar actions on his grand kids and nobody ever told them because they feared it would traumatize them?

Anonymous, Jan 25 11:11: Sunshine - I would like to respond to something you said in your post: Suzanne did not inform her "family" before posting her story. She made the decision to blindside her "family" and take her story public.

Also Hiding Behind "Anonymous", Jan 25 11:52am: Anonymous above, if Suzanne had informed her family of posting the story, wouldn't she have been subject to ridicule and encouraged not to do so, as had happened all the times before? She had a family meeting recently, discussed this and people were still not wanting this exposed. Why would that change?

Anonymous, Jan 25 12:33pm: Anyone who is now directly affected in this, needs to stay out. You are all sitting here, reading a blog, and you cannot say what Suzanne did or did not do. So please stay out. And to the comment that her ex-brother-in-law may have "victimized" his own children, he has not. You have no idea what kind of father Suzanne's ex-brother-in-law has been. No one but his children know.

Anonymous, Jan 25 2:08pm: Aaaaahhhhh! All of you who stand in judgement .... threatening each other, and criticizing the opinions and feelings of others, assuming and acting as judge and jury on all accounts .... because you are all perfect, you are the ones with all the answers, you are the ones with all of the experience, all of the knowledge, and just because you say it makes it so. Wow! Must be nice .... I pray that you and your families never experience or have to maneuver and manage through such terrible challenges.

Melissa T, Jan 25 2:18pm: Sadly, but in truth, Suzanne's ex-brother-in-law absolutely victimized each of his own children by commiting these egregious acts against Suzanne. I cannot think of a more terrible act to commit against your own children (outside of personally abusing them). He put them in a situation to have to face having a father who is guilty of sexually molesting a child. That burden falls on her abuser, not on Suzanne for merely saying it out loud. I cannot begin to imagine the pain of that task, but it is one initiated by him, the abuser, not by Suzanne, the abused. It is an example of how commiting this kind of evil against another human being has lasting, permanent, inescapable consequences. The hope comes from seeing and knowing the truth and starting there when rebuilding and moving on. A house built upon lies and half- truths cannot stand for long.

Sunshine, Jan 25 2:20pm: In the interest of full disclosure, my name is Solomon Singer. I believe that the last "Anonymous" person meant "Anyone who is not directly affected by this." I was directly affected by Suzanne's story, and I'm glad she shared it.

Sara, Jan 25 2:42pm: If Suzanne's ex-brother-in-law had battered or tried to kill Suzanne would anyone deign to suggest she should "remain silent"?!? Sexual abuse is no different than any other type of intentional physical violence done against another person except that it comes with an extra stigma (and potentially greater psychological consequences) for the survivor. Shame on anyone who suggests that Suzanne has any obligation to anyone to remain silent! Kudos to Suzanne for being brave enough to take this on.

Also Hiding Behind "Anonymous", Jan 25 5:08pm: Anonymous at 9:33AM and Anonymous at 11:08AM: First of all, why do you feel you have to stand behind Anonymous? Call out who you are and speak your mind. Sure, it is easy to throw grenedes when you don't have to account for yourself.

As far as "judging". I am not judging. Studies have shown that normally a pedophile does not have just one victim. I am not acting as judge, but as someone who is standing up for a dear woman, with amazing courage to open herself up for such attacks (most likely coming from her own family - you know, the people that know her and alledgely love her the most.)

Everyone who reads this is directly affected by this. Just as everyone involved in the Sandusky mess is affected. Did either of you ever give thought to the way people are reacting to that? Do you think that we should just not condemn Sandusky? Heck, he didn't even admit to it. He is more innocent than Suzanne's ex-brother-in-law by that reasoning. Did you not think about how that mess and seeing the reaction could be affecting Suzanne?

I have not and do not condemn you. I am startled by the reaction that other things are more important. I am trying to understand it in any terms, but cannot.

I have been abused and molested by a family member and did not speak out. Now there is no reason to speak out to anyone but trusted friends, as nearly all of the people who should know have gone on to their final resting place.

So yea, I am far from perfect, which is why I don't judge others. And yes, this type of situation does affect my family in the past, as well as now. At least the victims of the crime in my family are encouraged to bring out their truths as they feel they need to, and are not made to feel as if they need to hide and keep it all inside.

I lie, there is one judgement I do make, and that is the fact hat you won't post who you are. At least Lindsay has the courage to identify herself.

• Lindsay, Jan 25 5:21pm: they probably are protecting OTHERS identity because of their relation to them, by not identifying who they are. Something that I can not seem to get across in any of my statements.. there are always others to think of, in any situation.

• Also Hiding Behind Anonymous, Jan 25 5:43pm: Just as Penn State's president and AD were protecting OTHERS (ie. alumni, donors, ticket holders, future players, etc.) when they decided to sweep the Sandusky violations under the rug 10 years ago and not worry about the OTHERS that were to fall prey to Sandusky...now I see your point!

Anonymous, Jan 25 5:43pm: I find it funny that molestation is frowned upon but everyone commenting in this blog is applauding for Christina Snells threatening physical assault against Lindsay, a bunch of cowards.

Stan, Jan 25 5:54pm: I, for one, do not applaud nor approve of Christina's comments. They are just as wrong. Jesus said, "Love one another, as I have loved you." I do not approve of any comments that run in anthesis to that.

Melissa T, Jan 25 6:15pm: I, for another, applaud her outrage. It is warranted. (also actual molestation vs angry rhetoric)

Mandy, Jan 25 10:09pm: Fuck you Stan! Get off your high horse! I would love for Christina to run into Lindsey. The fact that Lindsey is defending herself instead of apologizing for her stupid, thoughtless,vile comments make me sick.

• Stan, Jan 26 1:10am: Pardon me Mandy for not believing that threatened violence on a public blog or actual physical violence is going to solve anything. I believe that Lindsay's comments are outrageous (as such, I do not defend her), but that doesn't mean I believe she deserves to have her head knocked in. FYI, I come from an Italian family where all we ever did was endlessly scream at the top of our lungs. Guess what, it never got our point across. So feel free to keep on cursing and screaming, all you'll get is more defending and more hurt.

Nate Rupple (Floyd's Eldest Son), Jan 25 10:20pm: This is getting out of control.

Pamela H, Jan 25 11:23pm: "If he goes to jail, you will be taking someones (5 someones) father away from them.""...you are willingly ruining your niece and nephews lives." Suzanne's abuser is responsible not Suzanne. The police put criminals in jail, not the victim. Lindsay, your view on the situation, is not correct. Suzanne is speaking up for the child that was not protected 25 years ago. Personally, I hope her ex-brother-in-law spends some serious time in jail. Arrest him. Convict him. Lock him up. Deal with it.

Worth-Waiting-For, March 5 5:24pm: Suzanne, I commend you for coming forward with your story. I know your decision to do so wasn't something you took lightly. People who commit these types of crimes are rarely ever one-time offenders so you are likely saving other children from experiencing the same trauma. Best of luck to you as you continue to work hard to heal from a past you did not deserve.