My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 15

There hasn't been one moment since I started blogging about my abuse that I've regretted the decision. While I've lost many family members, the emotional calmness and mental clarity I've found has been more than worth that high price tag. 

I'd been suffocating for 25 years. Writing my story publicly was like finally getting oxygen to my lungs.

Do you please your family and suffocate? Or lose them and finally inhale? 



(originally posted February 10, 2012)

Over the past 10 years, it started becoming clear to me that I only had a handful of choices for how the rest of my life was going to go.

1. Kill myself

2. Continue holding it all in for as long as I could, maintaining unreal relationships with my family and others and feeling stifled

3. Get it out somehow, deal with the aftermath, and move on with clarity

10 years ago God brought a person into my life who loved me so obviously, so extravagantly and so completely that option number 1 seemed the most selfish choice I could ever make. Then God sent 3 smaller people into my life who were going to be so affected by who I was as a person that option number 2 wasn't going to be good for THEM.

So it became apparent that door number 3 was the way to go. As I said before, I started small, talking to isolated groups in my family. My husband, then my closest nieces, then my parents, then my siblings, and finally the police. While talking to my nuclear family was a good start, it was not enough. Some didn't really want to hear, and others had a hard time hearing it, which made it hard for me to say all I needed to say. Don't get me wrong, those discussions were all helpful and had to happen regardless of how they made me feel. The reactions of my family were all understandable and not surprising to me. 

But I couldn't wait until everyone else felt comfortable with the subject before I started making myself feel better. My children had waited long enough for me to figure this shit out. I knew I wasn't going to start breathing easier until I was able to say everything I needed to say, in my own way.  I've been writing this blog almost every day for 3 years, so it was a natural venue for my story. 

I'm a writer and an artist. I've been creating and performing and emoting through public expression since I was 6 years old. I spend way too much time in my own head, public expression has always been my outlet. 

I know there are some who don't agree, but personally I'm glad I went with door number 3.