You Deplete Me

I'd like to talk about a subsector of my Introvertedness: the need to recharge. You may not realize it, but every word that I speak to you, every smile that I bestow upon you, every nod of my head, depletes me of all energy. Human contact weakens me. You, by virtue of your existence on this planet, are my kryptonite.

Think of me as your average cell phone. I do not run forever. I am not the Energizer Bunny. I need frequent recharging. Your cell phone, when it is turned off, can hold it's charge for a good long time. If I am turned off, encountering no humans, I can last a good long time. Your cell phone, when it is turned on, but is neither making nor receiving calls, just existing in the world, can last a fairly long time. If I am turned on to the world, existing in it, but do not have to interact with people, I can last a fairly long time. If your cell phone is turned on, AND is making/receiving calls, your battery is going to be depleted very quickly. So it is with me, if I am turned on, and am having to interact with and BE interacted with, I will become depleted very quickly.

How do I recharge my battery? By being alone. By getting into my bubble. (Most people, when they hear about the Bubble Boy, think "oh, that poor child"...Not me. I think "Damn! Some people have all the luck!") At home, that bubble is usually my bathtub, with a book in hand. My home charger is the one that charges me to the fullest. When I recharge at home, I am rip roarin' 100% ready to go.

I also have travel chargers, but I can't achieve a full charge with them. I have a car charger, that works when I am alone in my car. When I am staying at other people's homes, I can sometimes use my bathtub charger, depending on the circumstances, or I can use my "I'll be on the toilet for awhile" charger. I have an "I'm going out to run an errand" charger. I also have my "My TV show is on now" charger.

When I am turned on, and interacting with certain people that I have spoken about before (Mom, Melissa, Dad, siblings: Eric, Amy, Andrew, my husband, my children) my charge doesn't deplete quite as quickly. It's as if the energy that these people provide to me, gives me so many bars, that my battery doesn't need to work nearly as hard, so it lasts longer. But when I am interacting with the majority of the world, they barely give me one bar, so the battery has to work to it's fullest capacity.

Certain circumstances can make my battery deplete faster...people talking nonsense, sitting through committee meetings (oh sorry, I was just redundant), incompetence, repetition...these things can even cause a power surge if I don't remove myself from the situations in a timely fashion.

Exactly like your cell phone, when preparing for events in my life, I have to consider my battery. I have to think about how much charge I currently have, and how much charge I'm going to need to last through an event. This is why as soon as the door closes on the last guest, I'm halfway up the stairs, throwing my clothes off, and running the hot water.

Every social activity that I contemplate partaking in, I have to consider my battery. This is not a choice I make, it's an instinctive function of my brain. I can't NOT do this.

Another thing to know, is that my battery goes from about 25% capacity to 0% capacity MUCH faster than it goes from 100% to 25%. This is why occasionally you'll see me running to my car from parties. I am almost blindsided by my social interaction wall. I can never see it coming. So I can go from gracious attendee to barely-holding-it-in-crabby-bitch in no time at all. (Funny thing to note, my own personal cell phone is the same way. It will say my battery is charged to 6, the highest it goes, forever...and then all of a sudden it's at 2 and about to die...strange)

So tonight, as you plug your cell phone into it's charger, think a little more kindly of me.

Of course, this analogy isn't helping to plead my case against those who think that I am a machine...

Welcome to Being Suzanne Mosley.