My Childhood Sexual Abuse Story, Part 13

My brother Eric, who has the unfortunate distinction of being the one who introduced my future abuser to my sister, was the first one in my family to really "get it". Once I started talking about the abuse and how the family handled the aftermath, he very quickly understood what I was saying. My assessment of the situation rang true for him. He was the first to realize the mistakes that everyone in my family made, as well as the mistakes that HE made. He was the first to take personal responsibility for his oversights, and took it upon himself to right the oversights of the entire family. 

He didn't have to do that, but he felt very strongly about the generational impact of my family's mistake. Eric also realized had my family handled my abuser properly, his own daughter, who was molested by a close family friend years later, would probably have been spared. This second abuser would have known my ex-brother-in-law was in jail or had gone to jail for molesting me, and that knowledge would most likely have led him to chose a victim from some other more forgiving Fundamentalist family.

Eric's strong convictions have led him down a slightly different path than I have chosen. Both paths equally authentic. Both paths equally personal. Both paths equally valid. Both paths equally legal. 

Both paths equally necessary.  

(originally posted February 7, 2012)

So what happens now?

The original goal was for my abuser, my ex-brother-in-law to be prosecuted and to spend some time in prison. If that had happened the way it was about to, his name would have been in the paper and he would have had to register as a sex offender after being released from jail. We all could have rested a little easier knowing that he would never have been able to coach another young girls' softball team, never again worked with kids in a church. We'd be comfortable knowing that parents who were so inclined could find out he had been a child molester and keep a close eye on him.

But now we don't have that peace.

While many child molesters walk among us unidentified, it's ridiculous not to tag the ones who we KNOW are. The Megan's Law concept is fantastic. It's a concept that I believe should be implemented in the way it seems my blog is doing right now. People who have been victims of sex offenders should tell everyone they know the name of the offender. Shared information.

One of my nieces goes to a church where a convicted child molester attends services. While it's uncomfortable for her to have to look at him and know what he is, she takes great comfort in KNOWING what he is. She can always turn her radar up to high when he's around. This man has served his time and now has a chance to turn his life around, but he has to do it in a controlled environment where those around him know what his crime was.

In biblical times, my sister's ex-husband might have been cast outside of the city walls, with no access to children. Or he might have been stoned. Or castrated. Unfortunately those specific options aren't available in these modern times.

So is this blog enough? Or should something more be done? What if my abuser is attending a church right now? What if he's working with a youth group? What if he's still coaching girls' softball? Do I/we have a responsibility to do more than just this? If so, what would that "more" entail?

You as readers can certainly do your part by forwarding this story to every parent you know, maybe not specifically to warn them about MY abuser, but to inspire them to think about what they would do if this situation affected their own family.  

Prior preparation prevents poor performance.

ORIGINAL COMMENTS

Sunshine, February 7 10:13am: Perhaps we could print t-shirts and give them out to people in his neighborhood: "[abuser's name] is a Confessed Child Molestor" or "Beware the Child Molestor living in your town - [abuser's name]" We could create it as facebook status. There has to be another way to get information out that we're not thinking of. What about fliers? We could post them around his neighborhood. They could have a picture of you as a kid and a picture of him now and they could read "This is how old I was when my abuser sexually molested me. It took me 25 years to come to terms with it, please don't let it happen to your children." I'll help!

Anonymous, February 7 4:24pm: I have been following your blogs and I am just curious... your friend above who goes to a church where there is a known child molester/sex offender, you mentioned a part where he served his time and now he has a chance to move on and turn his life around. Are you implying that without going to jail, your abuser can not in fact turn his life around? Because you are making it sound like because justice can not be served in the way you want it, he can not be changed or get help... And with sunshine's suggestion above.. that sounds spiteful to me. It doesnt sound like you are really concernced with him getting help which could lead to making it more safe for children around him. I feel as though you are more focused on the justice part and him being "raped in prison" (just harping on a comment you made in an earlier blog) part rather than being proactive about further instances.. Do you honestly believe that people cant/dont change after 25 years?

Anonymous, February 7 9:50pm: After years of being submissive or supressing defensive thoughts/actions, I think it is normal to finally feel the anger and the defensiveness and lash out. Suzanne is doing this in a fairly subdued fashion. Yes, people can change. But do the majority? I'd be interested to know. Protecting other children who could endure years of pain is better than worrying about her abuser's feelings about now. I think he's had his respite.