Another event that I didn't mention involves my middle brother, who is 8 years older than I. Maybe 6 months or so before I started blogging about my story, I was at his house and he casually mentioned having had lunch with my abuser. I put on the face I've learned to use my whole life when people in my family talk about my abuser, my "Oh, how nice! That's interesting! Nothing about this conversation fazes me!" face.
My brother was sharing with me that during this lunch, my abuser was telling my brother he shouldn't trust a certain person, because that person lies. I couldn't believe the balls, or ignorance, or lack of caring it took for my brother to look ME in the face and say, " [insert abuser's name] said so-and-so LIES!!"
I came so close to physical violence in that moment. My heart was beating so fast, I was getting overheated, and my fists were clenching. I wanted to hit my brother in the face so badly. I'd never felt that way before in my life. I'd never had such a physical reaction to anything. It was like what I imagine a panic attack feels like. But I'd never even so much as expressed the slightest irritation to ANYONE in my family, for daring to speak about my abuser in casual ways in front of me. So how could I all of a sudden start doing so after 25 years?
But I had to say something or I was going to physically explode. So I looked at my brother and said through clenched teeth, "ABUSER'SNAME called someone ELSE a liar???!?!! He's not allowed to EVER call ANYONE a liar!"
My brother looked so taken aback and sheepish. For a moment I felt badly for him but then I remembered that HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. Even if I've never forced anyone in my family to consider my feelings, at least one of them should be able to do it on their own.
Does it take a lot of thought to realize you probably don't want to mention, to your sister, that you had lunch with the man who molested her? And that you probably don't want to tell her with great animation the interesting conversations you had with this man?
Is that really something I had to spell out? Is my family that dumb?
(originally published on February 1, 2012)
More on how I arrived to this place after 25 years of hiding:
While the incident with my daughter's pictures was one trigger moment for me, it wasn't the first. The first was a day maybe 6 or 7 years ago when my brother Eric came to my house to talk. He and I had been estranged for a good 5-6 years at that point, so this visit was a huge surprise.
We talked for a long time, and in the course of that conversation, the molestation issue came up. I was shocked when Eric started telling me how he felt after he found out what our ex-brother-in-law had done to me. It was the first time anyone in my family had shown a reaction at all to the situation, and we were 19 years past it. I could barely breathe as he used words like "disgusted", phrases like "it changed my feelings towards him"...He then disclosed to me other information that he knew about our ex-brother-in-law, relative to deviant behaviors.
If you know me at all, you know my greatest talent is my ability to not react. I was using it to the fullest that day, but in reality my insides were a raging mess. I couldn't believe the effect that just hearing him speak those words was having on me. I felt like someone had lifted one of the hundreds of cinder blocks off my chest.
After he left, I couldn't shake my crazy emotions. I felt on one hand so relieved to hear just one person in my family verbalize what I'd always thought deep down inside, but on the other hand so stupid that a few spoken sentences could make me feel so good.
I spent the next year ruminating on that experience, trying to figure out why my brother's words that day had such a monumental effect on me. Looking back now, it all makes sense. He was the first one in my family to vocalize to me the truth of what had happened. He cracked open a door that had been locked, spackled over, sanded and painted to look as if it wasn't there anymore.
What started pouring out of that door might not have been pretty, but it couldn't have stayed in there much longer without starting to rot me from the inside out...
Original comments from 2012 below, feel free to add your own thoughts!
It's strange the events that lead us to recognize the past and begin the healing process. For me, it was blessing in disguise because I didn't want to face it, but now I am glad that I am doing so. I am thankful that your brother Eric felt compelled to share his feelings with you regarding your abuser's actions.
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