Yente The Matchmaker

When I was in my 24th month of pregnancy, Melissa called me one Saturday night and asked if I could meet her for dinner. She was single and not loving it, and wanted me to come out and commiserate with her.

Now, let me give you a little background information. My first pregnancy, I gained a little over 80 pounds and via c-section, had a baby that weighed over 10 pounds. The week after my 6 week post-birth checkup, I discovered I was pregnant again. In this second pregnancy, I had gained a good 60 pounds, and was carrying another 10 pound baby.

So by the end of my second pregnancy, I was pretty much a zombie. I was close to 250 pounds, with ankles the size of Redwood trunks. I had given up on even making an effort to look presentable around month 6 of pregnancy number 1, so by this time my usual attire was my husband's sweatpants and sweatshirts, and a pair of sneakers with no laces in them.

That night, even though I felt and looked like a Biggest Loser contestant after their first ever workout with Jillian Michaels, I decided to go see her. I met her at the restaurant, and we ordered dinner. During dinner, the hostess sat two people in the booth directly behind me. Melissa whispered to me that it was a young guy who was very cute, and an older man, who looked like his father. She had me casually turn around ('cause you know how casually a bloated whale can turn) and check him out. He was definitely cute.

Throughout our meal, we tried to eavesdrop on their conversation and realized we were right, it was a father and son. Melissa was trying to see if the young guy had a wedding ring on. When the waitress came back to check on us, I just asked her to check for us. She reported back that he didn't. At this point, Melissa's interest definitely skyrocketed.

The next objective was to see if he would notice her. He and I were seated back to back in our respective booths, so he would never have seen her. I suggested she get up and walk past their booth to go to the restroom, and I would watch to see if he gave her the eye. She did, and he did.

When she came back, I told her that eye had been given. I then encouraged her to go over to the table and say something to him. She was horrified. She can be incredibly brazen, but she also has her standards of propriety. Approaching a man is highly inappropriate. Now, she'll do many things to try to get HIM to approach HER, but to actually dispense with the dance and just approach him, that is ludicrous.

We spent the next hour coming up with various plans to get him to talk to her. My plans always included going up and talking to him. Her plans were full of convoluted maneuverings on her part that would create a situation in which he couldn't NOT talk to her.

At this point, it was getting close to midnight. My 250 pound body had very small timeframe that it could continue to exist in the upright position, and I knew the end was drawing near.

So I suggested we do the restroom/eye-giving game again, just to make sure he was still interested. She got up again and sashayed her way to the little girls' room.

As soon as she was out of sight, I turned around in my seat and tapped the young man on the shoulder.

He turned around, and I said "Excuse me, but my girlfriend here really thinks you're cute, and I've been sitting here for hours trying to talk her into approaching you, but it's not working. I'm 29 months pregnant, and I can't take this any longer, so would you mind coming over and sitting with us for a little bit?".

I could tell by his face that he was flattered and interested in her. The relief he felt when he realized it wasn't ME hitting on him was palpable, so I decided to spare him from my plan to freak him out with a menage a trois joke. He came over to join me and I started asking him some questions. By the time Melissa returned, I had sized him up as a very nice young man.

When Melissa returned from the bathroom to find him sitting next to me at our table, I could tell she was floored. I don't think she was expecting that at all. I introduced them and started the conversation rolling. Once I saw that they could handle things on their own, I excused myself and lumbered home.

Nothing came of the match, but they had a couple of nice dates. And Melissa learned a valuable lesson. Don't underestimate the 250 pound elephant in the room. It doesn't always remain silent in the corner.