So, my niece Brooke was telling me about her pre-marital counseling the other day (I almost typed pre-martial counseling...you know, the therapy you need prior to joining a karate class).
I was thinking about what I would say to someone on the verge of marriage, that no one else seems to say, after my 7.5 years of marriage. So I am going to write a few posts under the heading "Things No One Tells You About Marriage".
The first is this:
In pre-marital counseling, they talk a lot about specifics. How do you feel about x, how do you feel about y. Which is fine, it's a fun exercise. But that's all it is. An exercise.
Pre-marital counseling is great, but you have to remember that things change. You can't assume that the things that you agree on now are going to be things that you agree on in 10 years. There are some things that you just can't plan for or anticipate. You will see the world so much differently 10 years from now, and so will your spouse.
Especially when it comes to children. You can NOT say, before you have a child, how you're going to feel after you have a child. You can speculate, but you cannot say for sure. So once you have a child, you can't hold the other person accountable for opinions they had before about raising children. All bets are off, and you have to start forging a new path.
What you can know before marriage is the temperament of the person you're choosing. There are a few things that will never change, like their natural tendencies. Those natural tendencies can be tempered over the years, but they will never change. So those are the things you have to be okay with.
Now, there may be certain changes that would shake a foundation more than others. For instance it's one thing if in 10 years you have to say to your spouse "Hey! I thought you said 10 years ago that you didn't believe in spanking children??". That would be something that you'd have to work through together, accepting that the opinion of the other had changed. No big deal, opinions morph, it happens. You can't lambast each other for maturing.
On the other hand, if in 10 years you have to say to your spouse "Hey! I thought you said 10 years ago that you weren't into pedophilia!!", that is quite another thing....Some changes may be tougher to deal with than others.
Life is going to turn you upside down and shake you both until, like loose change, all of your preconceived notions fall out of your pockets. If you're okay with the other person's natural tendencies, once you've been righted, you'll probably still like each other.
So get ready...A change gonna come....
I was thinking about what I would say to someone on the verge of marriage, that no one else seems to say, after my 7.5 years of marriage. So I am going to write a few posts under the heading "Things No One Tells You About Marriage".
The first is this:
In pre-marital counseling, they talk a lot about specifics. How do you feel about x, how do you feel about y. Which is fine, it's a fun exercise. But that's all it is. An exercise.
Pre-marital counseling is great, but you have to remember that things change. You can't assume that the things that you agree on now are going to be things that you agree on in 10 years. There are some things that you just can't plan for or anticipate. You will see the world so much differently 10 years from now, and so will your spouse.
Especially when it comes to children. You can NOT say, before you have a child, how you're going to feel after you have a child. You can speculate, but you cannot say for sure. So once you have a child, you can't hold the other person accountable for opinions they had before about raising children. All bets are off, and you have to start forging a new path.
What you can know before marriage is the temperament of the person you're choosing. There are a few things that will never change, like their natural tendencies. Those natural tendencies can be tempered over the years, but they will never change. So those are the things you have to be okay with.
Now, there may be certain changes that would shake a foundation more than others. For instance it's one thing if in 10 years you have to say to your spouse "Hey! I thought you said 10 years ago that you didn't believe in spanking children??". That would be something that you'd have to work through together, accepting that the opinion of the other had changed. No big deal, opinions morph, it happens. You can't lambast each other for maturing.
On the other hand, if in 10 years you have to say to your spouse "Hey! I thought you said 10 years ago that you weren't into pedophilia!!", that is quite another thing....Some changes may be tougher to deal with than others.
Life is going to turn you upside down and shake you both until, like loose change, all of your preconceived notions fall out of your pockets. If you're okay with the other person's natural tendencies, once you've been righted, you'll probably still like each other.
So get ready...A change gonna come....
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