Surgery For Dummies

I have always been inclined to take care of personal medical issues on my own.

I used to think that it was because I didn't have medical insurance. Now that I have medical insurance, I realize it must just be a personality thing.

I once had an ingrown toenail for 4 months, when I lived in Nashville. It had gotten so infected, it would bleed like crazy if anyone or anything got within 6 inches of it. I had halfheartedly tried to find the offending piece of nail, off and on over the 4 months, without any luck.

One night I decided, after bleeding all over a local club's dance floor, that it was time to get down to business and perform surgery. I drove to a drug store, and bought every tool I could find that looked useful. I got a good pair of tweezers, one of those nail scissors that have the long pointy tips, and some of those wooden cuticle pusher-backers with the slanty end. (I'm selling Do-It-Yourself Ingrown Toenail Kits for $29.99)

I went into my bathroom and laid out my tools. I started out by putting a washcloth into my mouth, because from my previous attempts, I knew I was in for some extreme pain. I sat on the toilet lid, and went to town. I knew I had no choice but to find the nail. It took me a good 20 minutes to find it. I came close to passing out at one point. I just kept pulling the skin back with the tweezers, and using the pointy tip scissors to dig around in there.

When I finally pulled out the piece of nail, the relief was IMMEDIATE. I almost cried with joy, and I felt such personal triumph.

When I lived in DC, I decided one night that it was time to do something about the growth on the inside of my lower lip. It had gotten bigger over the previous few years, and it was getting bothersome, as I'd bite it sometimes when I was eating, and it would bleed.

I knew that as long as I didn't cut into my actual lip, I'd be fine. And I also knew it would bleed a lot, being that it was in my mouth. I thought toenail clippers would be a good option, as they would be big enough to get around the growth, and I could just squeeze and cut it off in one fell swoop. So I sterilized my toenail clippers with a match.

I tried to numb my lip first, with ice cubes. Then I took a deep breath and used the clippers to squeeze off a big piece.

When I say that it bled for 2 hours, I'm not exaggerating. And that is with a dishtowel pressed hard against it non-stop. The pain of actually cutting it off was minute, but the throbbing pain over the next week was a bit annoying. Ibuprofen helped.

Now that I'm one of the insured, I do go to the doctor a little more frequently. But I still have the urge to just do things myself.

Not long after we were married, Eric came home to find me with duct tape wrapped around my foot. I had cut my foot, and we were out of bandaids. Paper towels and duct tape worked just fine.

I think he started having second thoughts that day.............