What's The Dewey Decimal Code For Children's Sex Books?

My niece Brooke sent me the following link to a hysterical children's book from the 70s called "How A Baby Is Made". The drawings are enough to send you into fits of church giggles. If you get to the drawing of the baby crowning and you don't wet your pants, you need to look at it again.

Make sure you click through them all, and don't forget to read the "Sexplanations" from the blogger, beneath each page of the children's book.

"HOW A BABY IS MADE"


I think that most of us who came of age in the 70s and 80s, especially those of us in religious households, learned about sex via a book our parents gave us. For my brother Andrew and I it was, "Susie's Babies", a book about an classroom of students who had a pregnant hamster. The teacher explains to the children how the hamster got pregnant, and the students watch the hamster give birth.

As my brother Andrew jokes, "It was great! After reading the book, I knew how hamsters got pregnant. I still knew nothing about sex, but I could sure as heck teach a class on the hamster birthing process!"

Did your parents give you a book to help you learn about sex? If so, what was it?

Laughing Babies

I babysat Charlotte for Brooke a few weeks back, and I spent the entire day making her laugh. It's way fun. She laughs when you talk about her poop, which makes her Brooke's daughter for sure. The giggles at around 2:30 are what I would do anything for. But the funniest thing is that I showed Charlotte this video at lunch with Brooke the other day, and Charlotte watched it and laughed at herself. I wish so much that I'd had a second video camera to capture that...

Did I Just See A White Elephant???

It's Mosley Cocktail Party 2011 time!

Will this happen again tonight???!?!

This pic is to remind Brooke that she was hot before, and will be hot again in no time at all... ;)

I Thank The Bank For The Money, Thank God For You

(The title? Come on y'all, vintage Sawyer Brown!)


While I'm most grateful for this cute bunch today, I'd like to take a minute to be grateful for my friends. Oh yes, I have a few of them, don't look so shocked...

First, the original and still the best, Melissa. She's the devil on my left AND the angel on my right. How else would she be able to stick around so long...


While changing their dirty diapers, I never thought that my 4 oldest nieces would grow up to be 4 of my best friends, but here we are.

the one I'd go on a field trip with any day of the week, Bonnie May

the one I love getting late night calls from, Brianne Elizabeth

the one who knows what I look like doing "Superman! BANANA!", Brooke Suzanne

and the one who feels my sweat pain, Bethany Gates.

My dance partner Richard, who became one of my best friends our first Christmas as partners when he looked at me and said, "So...I like you, you like me, we don't have to get gifts for each other, right?" And then solidified our friendship when he later said, "Um, my dead gramma in her casket can spin faster than you." And his partner Solomon, who is wickedly intelligent but still treats me like a goddess. Bizarre, I know.

Hold on, I'm going to go so far as to add two more, who over the past year have become peas to my carrots. Everyone's Sugar Daddy, John Burns, who makes this list not just because his grammar is as good as mine, but because he gets me even though he doesn't like to admit it. (I'd add his wife Karen to this list but she's prettier than I, so screw that idea...)

..and the beautiful Antoinette Santoro, who makes me laugh for real, not the fake laugh that I usually use around most of you. Her sense of humor is so much larger than her chest, thank goodness, which is basically just average....

There! See? I have friends!

(Now, to hope that none of these people comment on this post with, "What? Who are you? Do I know you??")

Ava's Fashions

Brown and pink, a combination that can't be beat. Especially cute in a family photo.

Bet Those Shoes Didn't Last Long...

This much cuteness in one picture should be illegal. There's just no chance of this baby being hard to look at, is there....

(my niece Brooke, her husband Jeff, and the unsalted peanut)

The Larger The Family, The Less Freaks

One of the greatest benefits of having a large family; relatability. The larger your family, the less chance you have of being a freak. You can't be a freak when there's someone else just like you in your family. And there's bound to be someone else with your same issue, skill, disability, whatever when you can barely count how many cousins you have.

For instance, Cole got his first migraine yesterday, and now has to deal with that. "You've got migraines? Papa and Brookey get those too, you can talk to them about how they deal with it!"

That phrase could go on and on for days. "You've got diabetes? Kyle's got diabetes, you can talk to him!" "You wet the bed? Your mom wet the bed 'til she was 13, you can talk to her!" "You want to be a wedding coordinator? Your Uncle Ed was a wedding coordinator, you can talk to him!" "You stole your mom's car and drove to Nashville? Talk to Nathan!"

And on.........and on........................and on.

It's to the point where you have to work hard to be the first anything around here. Although Zachary was the first with asthma, so he's got that going for him.

Priorities

Brooke: I had a dream that I called you in a panic because Jeff was stuck in a meeting and I needed to get to the hospital. You were bedazzling a pair of jeans for a comp and "just couldn't get away".

Cash Is Thicker Than Blood

The kids and I have been taking care of Brooke and Jeff's cats while they're on vacation this week. When we went over on Wednesday, Zachary had a question for me:

Zach: Why didn't Brooke leave you money?

Me: Money for what?

Zach: To pay you for taking care of her cats!

Me: You don't have to pay people that love you to do favors for you.

Zach: You love Brooke???

Me: Of course!

Zach: Oh. Well, I still think she should have paid you......

So I borrowed a couple of books from her bookshelf that I hadn't read yet. :)

Let There Be Football!

Whaddaya think, will the lockout end next week? Our annual Lewis Family Trailer Park Labor Day Fantasy Football Draft party will be a huge letdown if not.....

A Big Year

Happy birthday to Brookey with the unsalted peanut in her belly!! She'll never forget being 25...

They Call It A Playdate

My 11 year old great nephew Christopher was im-ing with my niece Brooke yesterday. He's got his first little crush, and this is what he said about it:

Christopher: guess whats in one day? im going to the girl from churches house. they call it a playdate. i call it the best day of my life.

To All The Moms I've Loved Before

Today the "Lewis Mothers 2011" yearbook comes out. I wonder who the class celebrities will be??!! I'm so excited!! Let's look....

MOST LOVED MOTHER

My own mother earns this title because, well, she's MY mother. Any woman who says, in regards to Angelina Jolie, "If God had wanted me to adopt African babies, He wouldn't have put that big ocean between me and them" is going to be the mother I love best. Even the most olive complected mothers pale in comparison.

MOST PATIENT MOTHER

Ah, the woman who used to understandably HATE Mother's Day, my sister-in-law Kathy. 20 years of marriage without a child and you'd probably avoid the day altogether too. And while I'm sure Kathy will no longer hate this holiday, I would guess she feels that every day since little Robert came into her life has been Mother's Day. After 20 years of waiting, the look she has in this photo is the look you see on her face all the time.

BEST NAVIGATING MOTHER

Talk about a life changing year. My sister Amy had to face every mother's fear when her daughter Ashley, who has some learning challenges, got pregnant. Amy navigated those rough waters with a grace and dignity that some might not expect from my sister. But I never expected anything less. Her love for her daughter, as well as for her childless brother, gave her the strength to choreograph the most beautiful of endings. And while most will never know the great toll it took on her, a few of us do, and we bow down in awe.

MOST HEALING MOTHER

My sister-in-law Sue has the unwanted distinction of being the mother with the sickest kids of the past year. But if anyone can handle that title, she can. No one can attend to and mend a sick child like Sue. From ear infections to lifelong diseases, she can manage them all with ease. She definitely missed her calling as a nurse. If my kids ever get very ill, I'm sending them to her house!

MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED MOTHER

Though this mother's baby looks oddly like an unsalted peanut at the moment, my niece Brooke will no doubt be putting the rest of us mothers to shame come December. She will be changing diapers and making bottles and folding onesies and powdering bottoms and tickling toes, all with both hands tied behind her back. I know I'm looking forward to meeting this perfect mothers' baby, who will surely have the fattest cheeks in all of Christendom!

MOST ATTENTIVE MOTHER

This toughest of nuts was forever cracked when her baby Landon was born. From the minute my niece Brianne laid eyes on that baby, she fell head over heels and turned into a big bowl of mush! That boy will never go a minute without knowing his mama thinks he's the smartest, most handsome, funniest, kindest, most talented, best dressed, fastest, most creative, best hairstyle, cleanest eater, best sleeper, ....you get the point. Landon's got his mama's full attention, and we all love seeing her soft and gushy side!

MOST PREPARED MOTHER

She may not now be or ever have been a Lewis, but my best friend Melissa has earned her place in this family's yearbook. While some mothers make decisions for their kids on a whim, Melissa analyzes to a gnat's eyebrow each and every decision regarding her children. Whether it be as simple as what outfit they should wear to a party or what the best course of treatment is for their learning disability, she will spend hours upon hours researching each and every possibility to find the perfect one. Her children can sleep deeper at night in the knowledge that what their mother has done for them has been exactly what they needed.

MOST EASY GOING MOTHER

Nothing ruffles this mother's feathers. My oldest niece Bonnie has 5 children under 13, and you never see her lose her cool. And why would she? She was born to be a mother. She's seen her kids safely through rough times with her relaxed, positive manner. There's not a week that goes by that either Melissa or I don't say to each other, "I really wish I could be more like Bonnie right now...why can't I just relax about this??!" No grey hairs in this mother's future, that's for sure!

MOST GRATEFUL MOTHER

I am so lucky to be part of a family full of strong maternal influences. The Lewis family as a whole would fall by the wayside if not for the perseverance and tough-mindedness of all of these women.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR

While the rest of us spent the last year ranting and raving like plucked chickens about our petty issues, my niece Ashley was quietly proving herself to be the most real mother of us all. She had the intelligence to realize that she wasn't ready for the challenges of motherhood and the courage to allow her child to be raised by people who were ready for those challenges. We should all hope that in the face of tough decisions, we would be as practical and as brave as Ashley has been. (Not to mention she gave her Aunt Kathy the chance to stop hating Mother's Day!)

*Wow, those moms are all so cool...I hope they sign my yearbook!

(p.s., keep your eyes on Being Suzanne Mosley around 8am, there may be a surprise in store!)

I Don't Wanna Be It!

Lewis babies all growed up....but while the rest of you see 6 drop dead gorgeous young adults with tons of amazing hair, jawbones to knock you dead, boobs enough to feed all the starving children in Africa, skin to put airbrushed pageant babies to shame, I see 6 chubby kids with cute dirty faces waiting to play Kick The Can with me and Melissa.

Inhaler Lessons

While this video is mainly for Brooke, Victoria, and our babysitters Sarah and Katherine, you can all enjoy Zachary's dramatic expressions as he teaches us how to use his inhaler.

Zach's Inhaler Lesson from Suzanne Mosley on Vimeo.

What Might Have Been

Here's a fun little post: I came across the pictures from the day Brooke first tried on wedding dresses. Of course, when you throw Me, Mom, Brooke, Bethany, Bonnie and Brianne together in a David's Bridal, you get nothing less than pure comedy (I recall Bonnie making me wet my pants at lunch that day, making fun of the soup). But we did get some work done that day, as you'll see in the following photos:

This one killed me dead. An amazing combination of vintage and red carpet. But probably more me than Brookeedee.

I mean really, with a figure like that, it's a miracle Brooke escaped the pregnancy bug before the big day...just sayin'...

I loved her in this one. A Grecian goddess, Athena with Snow White curls...

This one started a string of quinceanera dresses that had Bethany and I singing and dancing the Mexican Hat dance through the rows of rainbow colored bridesmaids dresses

The va-va-voom Marilyn Monroe dress

Ava was not a fan of monkeying around in David's Bridal

Of course, Brooke ended up with the perfect dress, and looked like heavenly perfection on her big day.