Art Therapy

Every night I walk into Ava's room every night to tuck her in and see this picture Eric drew for her taped over her bed, and it's hard to remember why I'm ever irritated at him.

I'll Show You...

Zachary got in trouble the other day, Colson told on him and then Eric punished him. Well, Zachary got so mad at them both that he ran up to his room and slammed his door. A few minutes later he came back out, stormed downstairs, grabbed some paper and a crayon, wrote something furiously, then took the paper back upstairs.

I guess he couldn't find any tape to attach the sign to his door in the usual way. 

Three exclamation points and a mad face. He wasn't kidding around...

Watch Eric's Head Explode

Ava made a Welcome Home From Work sign on the driveway for Eric the other day, in chalk. Apparently Eric is amazing, powerful and fresh looking. I'm not quite sure what to say about that. 

Hillbilly Momma In The Stands

Colson has been attending a drama camp this week, put on by Players Of The Stage in Allentown. They are primarily a homeschool theater group, well known in the area for their high quality, professional productions. Today is his last day, and tonight the campers put on a big performance. I asked Cole if he wanted me to show up with a huge sign that says, "Colson is the best actor!!!" and yell and scream for him from the audience. At first he nodded yes, but then he said very seriously:

"Actually no, don't do that. I think it would be very embarrassing for you."

I told him that I never get embarrassed. He wasn't buying it, couldn't fathom how that could be possibly be true.

Maybe I'll have to prove it to him.

:)

You Wanna Double Down?

Poor Zachary. The life lessons are just never ending for him during these winter doldrums. His too-advanced-for-his-physical-age brain is just Energizer Bunnying it around in his skull while his body is physically cooped up in this house. The end result being almost hourly reprimanding. It's gotten to the point where he's even disgusted with himself, but just can't seem to stop himself.

Yesterday's lesson was about how few choices a 5 year old really has. We had made Valentine's cards earlier in the day, with little candy bars inside each one. There were a few candy bars left, but the kids needed to make a few more cards, so I told them not to eat the rest of the candy bars until after we finished the entire project.

Later that afternoon, I was upstairs with Cole and Ava. Zach had been downstairs playing. He came up, and brought me his toothbrush and toothpaste, asking me to squeeze some paste onto his brush (this is one of his rules, since when he does it himself, he just can't help but to perform experiments of pressure, volume and torque on the tube).

Now, when Zach brings me his toothbrush spontaneously, at 1:30 in the afternoon, asking to brush his teeth, something has obviously gone down. He's trying to dispose of evidence. So instead of taking his brush and paste, I asked "Why do you want to brush your teeth?". He said, "Oh, I just do!" all casual, like it's completely normal for him to be concerned with his oral hygiene at 1:30 on a Thursday. "I didn't brush this morning" he said, with all the earnestness of Hermey..."I'd like to be a dentist!"



I said, "You have one minute to tell me the truth about why you want to brush your teeth. If you don't tell me the truth, you will get a spanking."*

He looked at me with a little glimmer of fear and asked, "So what will happen if I DO tell you the truth?"

"That, I cannot tell you. All I can tell you FOR SURE is that if you DON'T tell the truth, you'll get a spanking. If you do tell me the truth, then we'll have to see. You might get in trouble, you might not. But think about this: if you DON'T tell the truth, then you will get a spanking. And then when I find out what the truth was, your chances of ANOTHER spanking increase dramatically, because I'm so irritated that you didn't tell me the truth about it to begin with.

So if you lie to me right now, the chances of TWO spankings occurring go waaaay up. One for lying, one for the actual crime committed. The way I see it, your best bet is to tell the truth, and maybe face just one spanking. Weigh the odds carefully, and let me know what your choice is".

He paid very close attention to my speech, and then turned his head to the side to think. The wrinkles on his forehead while he pondered were so extreme I could barely hold in the laughter. Then he sighed and said, "Ok, I'll tell the truth," and admitted to eating a candy bar.

Good call, buddy! Because I appreciated the solemnity with which he considered the options, he was just banned from playing the Wii for the rest of the day, although that lesser punishment produced a reaction that gave the impression he'd have rather chosen the spanking.

There's always next time, Zachary.

*disclaimer: obviously this tactic is only justly carried out when a child is young, and you already know what the "truth" is, or at least a very good idea of what it is. The hope is they learn the value, at this young age, of telling the truth even when it's hard to do so and will continue on in that trend.

Good Fatherly Advice

Cole was messing around with me yesterday morning while Eric was getting ready for work, pretending he didn't know what I was asking him to do. I wasn't in the mood for his games, and I told him in no uncertain words that his days were numbered.

As Eric left the room to leave for work, I heard him whisper to Cole in the hallway:

Dude, fyi, when Mom says, "Cole, you're making me want to punch you in the face", you've gone too far and it's time to stop. Just lettin' you know...

Whoa, Whoa, You Almost Crossed It!

Wow, there's a fine line between creative and retarded....and my kids love to tiptoe as close to that line as they can.

Midget Commentator

I took the kids to Target the other night, to shop for trip supplies. Cole came up to me at one point and, thinking he was being funny, tugged on my dress. Well, being strapless, the dress slipped right down over my chest and down to my waist.

Fortunately it was a swimsuit cover up, and I had my bikini on underneath. I pulled the dress back up over my chest, and I looked dead into Cole's eyes. In my best cold and dead quiet voice I said to him, "You better be damn glad I had a bathing suit on underneath this dress. The next time you try to pull a stunt like that your life as you know it will be over."

Cole apologized profusely, he was incredibly shamefaced. I said it was fine, I reiterated that he needs to think before doing things. All of a sudden, from the cart, 4 year old Zachary yells out:

"Wow, THAT was awkward!!"

That boy can cut through tension like a hot knife through frozen butter.

Reasons To Believe

Driving home from church two weeks ago, Colson said this out of the blue:

"I want to live twice so I can die and see what it's like, and then come back and not die..."

So I said, "Well, if you go to heaven when you die, you won't want to come back because it will be so great." He replied, "How do you know it will be great?" I said, "Well, the Bible talks some about what heaven will be like. There will be no sadness and no pain, and you'll be happy all the time and you'll live forever."

Cole says, "Wow, so I'd have a good life there??" I said yes, you'd have a good life. But I told him that you can't get there unless you believe in God and ask him to come into your heart and obey him. I said that's how you become a Christian. Cole thought about that for a minute. "So if I become a Christian, I get to go to heaven and have a good life forever?". "Yes, Cole. But", I said, "you have to really mean it. You can't just be joking. God knows if you're serious or not."

"Well then I'm going to do that. Dear God, please come into my heart and let me be a Christian, because I want to have a good life in heaven with you."

Zachary pipes up, "I'm going to do it too! Dear God, please come into my heart so I can be a Christian and live forever. I love you for letting me be a Christian."

Cole says, "Ava, are you going to do it too?" Ava says, "Yes, but I'm going to do it in my room when I get home." "No, you have to do it now." "Fine....Dear God, please come into my heart and make me a Christian so I can come to heaven."

The funniest part of this story happened after all three kids made their professions of faith. Zachary just kept saying, to no one in particular, "Wow! I can't believe I'm a Christian! That's so cool. Can you believe I'm a Christian??!?" It was like his application had just been accepted at this cool super elite club that he never imagined he'd get into. I felt like he'd have said "I'll do it too!" to any interesting group I'd talked about. I could have asked if he wanted to be a Buddhist Monk, a Vegetarian Nudist, a Communist Guerrilla Soldier, and he'd have become one of those with the same enthusiasm as "Christian", just because it sounded so cool....it's a good thing this option came up before any of those others.

Ava kept quoting verses that proved the truth of what had just happened. She'd be quiet for a moment, and then say, "Oh yeah, it's like John 3:16 when it says "whoever believes in me will not perish but have eternal life!". Then she'd think for a while and say, "Right, like Romans 6:23, "the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus"...." She was connecting dots in her head all over the place, finding proof texts and making a Powerpoint presentation, ready to defend her position.

And Colson must have said 27 times, "Now I can have a good life when I'm alive, AND after I die!". He kept double checking with me to make sure that heaven was going to be really great, because God forbid he turn his life around only to end up somewhere so-so. If he's going to put out the effort to follow someone else's rules, the end result better be something fantastic. (Every time he talked about "the good life", he sounded like a beer commercial. )

We shall see if any of these professions are lasting ones, but they sure made for an entertaining car ride that day.

PillowHead Square Bob

The other day my kids walked into my room like this, making ghost noises.

I don't even know what to say about this.

Maverick And Goose

When Zachary was doing one of his breathing treatments on Thursday night, Eric decided to grab his sleep apnea mask in a show of solidarity. He was pretending to be a fighter pilot, and he and Zach were talking into their masks...."Coming in for a landing!!"...."Watch out for the MiG at twelve o'clock!"...."FLAPS!!!"

Book It!

I came downstairs the other day to a sight that will forever remain burned into my retinas. Possibly the proudest and most fulfilling moment of my parenting life thus far.


(The title? You homeschoolers know what it means! The Pizza Hut reading program! Where my homeschoolers at???)

Keep Him Guessing

After tucking all three kids into bed last night, Eric comes downstairs and says, "Man, your daughter's just like you! With the boys I say I love you and they say "I love you too sooo much!"

"With Ava, I tuck her in and say I love you, and she just smiles and says "hmmmm...." Then say I love you, I love you, I love you, and she says, "good night!"

"I don't know how to communicate with you people...."

Apparently this Keith Whitley song never meant anything to Eric.

Mommy's Short Memory

The other day (Saturday) in the car, Zachary was in a rare whining mood. I got fed up with it after a few minutes and hollered at him, "If you don't stop the whining right this minute, you will not be watching television for an entire week!!!" He whined about something a few minutes later, and I said, "Ok, you've sealed your fate. No watching tv for an entire week for you."

My rear view mirror was trained on him already, as I use that to make eye contact with my kids when I discipline them in the car. So as I said that, I looked in the mirror at him. His response was classic.

He simply shrugged, looked out the window and said in a calm and nonchalant tone, just as much to himself as to me, "Well, I know you'll forget about THAT by next Tuesday...."

Inconvincible

Eric took the kids rollerskating on Saturday, and then out for milkshakes. At some point during their outing, Cole informed Eric that he loved Eric more than he loved me. Eric, of course, took perverse pleasure in retelling this conversation to me privately after they came home.

And of course, when Colson came into the kitchen, I had to say to him, "So, I hear you love Daddy more than you love me..."

Cole looked at Eric with a grin and accused, "Did you tell her??!?!" Eric said to him, "Sorry, I had to."

I said to Cole, "Hey Cole, I love Zachary more than I love you."

Cole responded confidently, "Well, he can't even read, so that can't even be true."

"I love Ava more than I love you."

"She's not even an expert at Wii bowling, so I know that's not true either."

At which point I gave up. Cole is so confident of his greatness that nothing and no one can destroy it, not even an evil mother like me.

Which I guess is why we're made for each other.

My Explanation Of E.Coli Is Even Better

Part of my modus operandi as a parent is to make things that I know will set my children off sound really casual and non-threatening. This trait has served me well as I've had three abstract children, and abstract children can be VERY strange in their personal preferences.

When Colson and Ava were toddlers just starting to eat adult food, I knew that if I gave them true explanations for what they were eating, they would react in horror. For instance, if I overcooked one side of a grilled cheese, I knew they'd ask me what the "black part" was. Because I knew the word "burned" would not go over well, I had to come up with something very nonchalant to say about it.


So I'd say, very casually, "Oh, that's just cookin' stuff..." (and I'd always say it just like that, cookin'...without the "ing" sound. 'Cause it sounds much more threatening to say cookING stuff. Cookin' just comes out really fast, and your worries melt away.)

They'd say, "Ok" and just eat it.

If I made pork chops and they had burnt edges, "Oh, that's just some extra cookin' stuff..."

I used cookin' stuff to explain away specks of black pepper too, knowing that if I said "pepper" they'd wrinkle their foreheads.

It got to the point where they'd talk about the cookin' stuff to each other. "Colson, this one has lots of cookin' stuff on it!" "I know, Ava! The cookin' stuff is really good!" "I think I'm going to pick off some of this cookin' stuff".

Those days are gone, not just because I've learned to cook things better but because the kids don't buy that bullshit anymore, still Eric likes to tease me about it. He'll say, "You know, the kids are going to grow up and go out to eat and ask the waiter for a steak with extra cookin' stuff. Ava's going to be all, "Can I get the cookin' stuff on the side?"

"Colson's girlfriend will cook dinner for him and he'll say, "Wow, you put a lot more cookin' stuff on your chicken than my mom used to..."

Eric will say, "You need to write a cookbook called Cookin' With Cookin' Stuff!"


......I miss the days of cookin' stuff......

Save The Children

Melissa and I have decided that there would be much less child abuse in the world if it was legal to duct tape your children's mouths closed between the hours of 4:30 and 7:30pm.


If you are raising, or have ever raised, more than one young child at a time, you know what I'm talking about. Children lose their minds for those 3 hours every day. The devil's hours, they are....

Did You Ever Know That It's My Birthday??

Happy birthday to my third little accident. After Colson and Ava, I guess God knew I needed some levity and excitement. Thanks for 4 years of non-stop laughs.





(Ava's fashions will return next Sunday)

Water Torture

For the first 3-4 months of her life, Ava hated taking a bath. She was so scared that she'd scream like someone was stabbing her repeatedly in the gut. I remember my mother calling once in the middle of Ava's bath, and Mom saying "What are you DOING to that baby???". At times I was nervous that Ava would give herself a heart attack from her fear. She could never relax her body or her mind. I became an expert at giving a baby a 30 second bath.

It's Not Disobeying, It's Pretending!

Have I mentioned that Zachary is a master at mind control?

My parents were here this past Monday night, watching my kids while I went to rehearse. When my mother put Zachary to bed, he tried to convince her to let him sleep in Ava's room. Mom knew that wasn't something I normally let him do, so she said no. He asked her a few different times, but she didn't give in. Then he said "Mom lets me sleep in her bed all the time". Well, Mom knew that wasn't true, but she was so tired of him at that point that she let him sleep in my bed. After all, Grammas are allowed to do those sorts of things.

Last night, I had our new babysitter coming over to sit with Zach while Cole and Ava did evening VBS and I taught a dance lesson. She's a sweet introverted homeschooler, and I knew she'd be no match for Zach. So before she came I prepped Zach.

"Zachary, when Sarah tells you it's time for bed, you can NOT tell her that you're allowed to sleep in Mommy's room!". He said okay, with a grin.

I then mentioned to Sarah when she arrived that Zach might try to manipulate her about the sleeping arrangements.

When I got home I asked her how the evening had gone. She said it went fine, but Zach did try to mess with her mind. When she said it was time for bed Zach said, "Okay! Now Sarah, let's pretend that Ava's room is my room, and my room is Ava's room!"

She said he did it so quickly and casually that she almost fell for it.