Master Bakers

Extreme displays of emotion in public are the same as masturbating in public.

Both acts are self-indulgent, and both acts belong behind closed doors.

Here are some examples: speaking in tongues and falling to the ground in church. (Maybe you are having an extreme emotional moment, but even if so, it doesn't belong in public.) Lashing out at your significant other in a restaurant, calling him or her evil names and gnashing your teeth. Screaming bloody murder at your dumb kid in a public playground over some random mishap. Rambling on and on to the closest warm body, in a fit of anger over how the world has done you wrong.

All of these types of public emotional outbursts are extremely self-indulgent. They make you feel good. They are impulsive. They are you rolling around in a mud pit of your emotions. They are masturbation.

You wouldn't pull your pants down and physically masturbate at McDonalds. At least most of you wouldn't. (Who knows what sort of internet freaks read this blog...). So why would you emotionally masturbate in front of people?

Now I realize that my emotions are the equivalent of a frigid virgin spinster wearing a chastity belt. I know that I need to raise my emotional skirts a little bit, show a little bit more emotional ankle....I know that I have to give my emotions a stiff shot once in a while, and encourage them to get up on a table do a little flirtatious dance.

But if I have to do all that, you extroverts need to at least stop emotionally jerking off in public, for the love of Beyonce Knowles.

So next time you extroverts are about to plop a load of emotions on the floor in public, stop and think about the impression you're giving me. Then pull your pants back up, and put your hands on the table where I can see them. At that point your emotions can do something a little more appropriate, like hold my hand or give me a little kiss on the cheek.

Keep your emotions in your pants, folks, where they belong.